checking and masturbation

I've resorted to checking via masturbation and I'm confused

It's all detached, there's no real passion or excitement

But like, i can see how the person is attractive, and i cant tell if im doing it because im checking or because im attracted

Sometimes it like im doing it for the latter reason, sometimes i get anxious

I know im not attracted to minors, but i dont know what to do

Sometimes it like "you know youre not atteacted/that this means nothing, so go ahead" Like, I want to, and I let myself

Also, it's not me interacting with them, just them in general

Okay, I was checking, and I thibk it was because I liked it, but the thing is, it wasn't really the thought, just what I liked about it.

Like, I couldn't see the face of the person, or anything really.

I don't think it was, like, meant to be them. Just a replication of what I found attractive about the thought.

Does that make sense?

When I tried to see/focus on the person's face, I was like "eww... no"

I also worry that maybe it was to the thought, since sometimes it felt like it, but I doubt it. I feel like it's just OCD doubt.

Checking isn't a good idea- especially by masturbating, IMO. I mean, masturbating produces pleasurable sensations. AFAIC a person is setting themselves up for 'failing' whatever they're testing against. I think it's a mistaken belief that somehow, looking at something or someone you wouldn't realistically do, is going to turn off the ability to get off. Checking is bad. Bad.

Yeah, I haven't done it since. I don't feel anxious over the thought anymore, since I know it doesn't do anything for me.

I'm kinda worried/unsure that maybe I masturbated to the thought deliberately, but I feel like that's the OCD talking, since I feel like I'd have guilt, instead. (I've had similar circumstances)

Illegal actions or content aside, fantasies that someone would never ever want do in real life, are just thoughts, imo. I've masturbated to things and/or people I'd never dream of being sexual to or with.

I haven''t done anything that's illegal, but I don't feel right about this thought. Thinking about it directly doesn't do anything for me. Which makes me think that it wasn't deliberately to the thought. Just a generic/adult recreation.

-- Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:56 pm --

Especially since I can't say for sure that it was. It feels like OCD doubt.

Okay, here's what happened. I was doing what I did, and I was like "okay, what i was checking seems too good", so i thought it but once it started to feel good it switched to a generic person.

I'm relieved that I didn't pleasure myself to the thought, but bad that I considered it in the first place, even if I didn't end up liking it.

With OCD, I think we frequently fall into the trap of equating our thoughts with our true real world, 3D desires.

And everyone gets stray, weird, or downright wicked thoughts sometimes. Most people just say Meh, and go on with their life. Us pwOCD however, have a habit of hitting the e-stop and freaking out because we had a bad thought.

So my advice, when it comes to feeling bad over something you did while checking.... is first- stop checking. And then, let it go- thinking about something a handful of times, isn't the same as having a yen for it.

I feel... odd. Like, my whole perspective has shifted, or something. I don't worry about any attraction, because I know it's not me. But, it's not like in a black/white situation.

Before today, I was like so concerned with purity/being a good person. But now, I've realized that people are grey. Like Elsa said, the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all.

Earlier today, I was masturbating to adult fantasies (normal stuff), and I felt like I could of done it to a less savory thought, but I knew that just because physically I maybe could of enjoyed it, I wouldn't of enjoyed it mentally. And that's the difference, I feel.

Tbh, I'm tempted to clear up what happened, but I can't go around asking everybody for reassurance. It's a compulsion, and a self-fuffiling prophecy. I know what happened, and having people misled doesn't change that.

I'm starting to think that a lot of my OCD stemmed from a fear of being bad/wrong/gross, especially since I do struggle with contamination fears, as well. Having faith in myself is seeming to assuage my fears, and minimize the OCD.

Someone I talk to on another forum is telling me to go see a therapist, but I don't know what I would go to them with. It's like my brain has been rewired, and I see clearly, again. Or clearer, at least.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I feel better getting it all out.

I can masturbate to ANYTHING... I could masturbate to pictures of giraffes, if I wanted to. I don't. I know what I'd do and not do, in a real world situation- I'm not going to fret over a stray thought here and there.