Scared this isn't OCD :(

I'm not sure if this is reassurance seeking. My intent is to relieve anxiety, so sorry, as it probably is and I can't help myself.

My POCD has got a lot better, but my obsession with personality disorders is worse than ever. I have accepted that I have one, although my psychiatrist and psychologist say I don't, but I think they are just saying that as PDs are so stigmatised. My psychiatrist said that I might have borderline and OCPD traits, but they aren't causing any serious issues and so not actual disorders. My two diagnoses are bipolar and OCD. I ask him questions about PDs every time I see him.

My psychologist said I should read more about OCD and less about personality disorders, but I fear that I don't have OCD. I'm worried that I have BPD and NPD and ASPD traits and that I could be a form of sociopath who is out to harm people. I've recently been making an effort to do good things for people, I make sure the house is spotless, cook dinners from scratch and buy little gifts for people (I'm a tidy person and buy gifts anyway, but I'm doing it more than usual and don't usually make dinner from scratch every day), but it doesn't feel genuine. I'm just doing it to prove to myself that I'm not a sociopath.

I feel as though I don't have any warmth for people and when I hear about upsetting things happening to people I get some awful thoughts about how they probably deserved it.

I've been frantic cooking, cleaning and trying to be a 'good' person, or at least better than usual. Yesterday I was so upset about this I was in tears and went to bed at 6pm and watched TV to try and take my mind off it. and I have hardly slept or eaten for 2 days.

I start exposure therapy properly next week, but the problem is that I don't even think this is OCD. How will this even work if it isn't OCD.

Sorry to ramble on. I spoke to my husband about it and he said I'm definitely not lacking empathy or a sociopath, but I just keep thinking that I've been in denial about it all these years and that I've fooled him and even myself. I'm just acting 'normal' to fool everyone.

I know I should do mindfulness, but my head is just buzzing and I can't stop the thoughts going round and round.

I sometimes have obsessive thoughts about me being a narcissist or lacking empathy. I too have worried to the point of exhaustion that I must be evil or a bad person for not caring enough about things that other people seemingly care so deeply about. However, I realized that just the fact that I was so distraught over not being empathetic and not a good enough person meant that I indeed WAS a good person BECAUSE I actually cared if i was. Hopefully that makes sense. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you do care and are a good person because you care if your'e a good person! It's human nature to be self absorbed and withdrawn into our own wants and needs and to unconsciously avoid other peoples problems because at the end of the day, we are stuck with our own minds, lives and problems that we have to deal with. It sounds dark but I don't believe there is really such a thing as a selfless act.. no matter how hard it is to find the cause of good someone does for another, or the ulterior motives behind said acts, there IS always a "whats in in for me" catch.. even if its just making yourself feel good because you did good.

Thanks w0otiez. That's reassured me temporarily! Seriously, thanks for taking the time to reply. I can see the logic in it, but OCD is making everything point to sociopath right now.

The anxiety over this is making intrusive thoughts worse and making me ruminate over anything mean spirited that I notice myself thinking and some of the things are shocking. The last few days everything has been proof that I'm a sociopath. I just keep thinking that this isn't OCD and that it's a far more serious problem.

Then again, I suppose if I was it would be OK as long as I didn't harm anyone. I just keep thinking I have to continuously monitor my thoughts and urges and find ways of proving to myself that I'm a good person. The trouble is that it feels so forced.

I know what you mean as far as something being reassuring only temporarily. . ocd and the anxiety that tags along with it is concerned normally prevents me from fully trusting anyone's advice even your own. I'm dealing with my own battles.. it seems once our brains get locked onto some specific target, we obsess and analyze then become anxiety stricken which in turn leaves us exhausted and sometimes after severe panic attacks and exhaustion sets in , I notice a numb and apathetic feeling set in because I'm so drained. Perhaps you are forcefully doing nice things... so what? From what I can recollect about narcissists,sociopaths and psychopaths is that they don't have much worry about what they do nor do they really have any idea that anything is wrong with them. Just the fact that you're so worried you are a sociopath kind of signals that you arent one.

I'm pretty sure you're not a sociopath. You seem lovely. It sounds like OCD to me. And I believe you have OCD worse than me, but I've had days of obsessing over being selfish too- once I wanted to give all my money to charity to prove I wasn't selfish, but luckily I didn't! I worry that I don't care when I hear about people on the news dying and things, and I feel that means I am selfish. Occasionally my best friend will accuse me of doing something selfish and that's what usually sets off the spiral for me.

Thanks kah80. Are you back from your honeymoon now?

Ive got a graphics job on for someone and I keep thinking that I'm not making an effort and doing it in a splap-dash way because I'm irresponsible and I intend to hoodwink them in some way. However, if I spend too long trying to get it perfect and charge them by the hour that would also be bad practice and I'd feel guilty about that too

Some friends are coming over at the weekend so I've got the ingredients to cook a chicken and mushroom pie from scratch and to bake a carrot and walnut cake. I feel that a good and 'normal' person would do that sort of thing, but the fact that I'm having to think about what a normal person would do means that there is something deeply wrong about all of this.

It's a good thing that my exposure therapy starts properly next week! I still don't think that this is OCD, although I do have OCD and have had definite OCD about other things.

-- Fri Apr 08, 2016 10:28 am --

@w0otiez, Thanks again. My psychologist said that reassurance is like a drug. That is pretty accurate. Yes, my brain seems very much locked on this subject, but it all kind of makes sense.

I know that sociopaths and narcissists don't worry much, but then what if I'm just trying not to appear like one and convince myself that I'm normal just to protect my ego from the awful truth because I'm in denial? Essentially, I could be overcompensating for it.

Well I don't know how you think it's not ocd when you have it. For me it's difficult to say I even do now as it feels more like I'm just denial and ego-dysdonic orientation.

jdd wrote:Well I don't know how you think it's not ocd when you have it. For me it's difficult to say I even do now as it feels more like I'm just denial and ego-dysdonic orientation.

I guess it's the same as when people with HOCD start to convince themselves that they are gay or they are in denial.

I spoke to my CPN yesterday and he reassured me that I was fine, this OCD and don't have one of these disorders. Then I felt much better and just crashed from the anxiety of the last few days and was asleep by 8pm! However, I woke up this morning ruminating over it!

Hello,

doubt is the core of OCD. The fact that you're doubting that you have OCD only shows that you truly have it. I know hearing this doesn't really help but it's the truth.

You said you feel like you're acting normal to fool others. That reminds me of my POCD issue. Sometimes I think that I'm only faking my attraction to men/people my age to hide that I'm a 'P'. My therapist also said that people with POCD never act on their thoughts and harm a child, instead they are the most trustworthy with children. I still doubt that, I think maybe that applies for all other people with POCD instead of me.

Hi tanja,

You really are a lovely person!

I read so many threads on here about people with POCD and HOCD convinced that they don't have OCD and even when other people tell them that it is just their OCD making them believe this, they still doubt it.

They will even say stuff like "You have OCD, but this is different, I really am gay, a 'P' or whatever their OCD is about."

I can read what they write and I know that their OCD is no different to anyone elses's OCD. It's a different matter when it's happening to me.

I had hardly eaten or slept last week and I had a lovely dinner last night and ate really well - that pie and cake I mentioned previously, had a pint of cider and slept like a baby. I feel so much better today.

The ruminations are still there, but I've got more perspective and insight into it.

Thanks for everyone's support. This last week has been so tough. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply!