Scared this isn't OCD :(

I was still on honeymoon but I'm back now! Hope you're feeling better.

I sympathise with not believing things are OCD. We doubt we have OCD. But even when we believe it- how do we know what is OCD? Just because we have it doesn't mean everything we do is down to OCD. That's where the problem lies, I guess. People with HOCD might know they have OCD but think perhaps they have OCD and are also gay. Etc etc.

I definitely struggle with trying to work out which of my symptoms are OCD and which are other things.

Thanks kah80.

How was the honeymoon?

I'm so embarrassed right now and still convinced I have a PD. It all stems from a locum psychiatrist who I saw during a bipolar episode who said it could be BPD. I've been diagnosed with bipolar for years and the mood shifts last for months, not hours or days as with BPD. I know pdocs can misdiagnose BPD as bipolar and vice versa, but rationally I know that my symptoms fit bipolar and my dad even has bipolar. So, all logic points to bipolar rather than BPD. Why do I still doubt this?

However, I'm almost certain I have a PD now, maybe NPD, but to be honest I think I could have a few. I just feel as though everything I do is indicative of a PD and deeply pathological in some way. My psychiatrist, nurse and psychologist keep telling me that I don't have a PD and that this is OCD and anxiety, but for some reason I still doubt them and think that maybe I do. I check the BPD forum constantly to see if I am having the same experiences, then the NPD forum and so on.

My pdoc, nurse and psychologist keep asking me why I'm obsessing about it and so concerned over it and I honestly don't know, other than the fact that I don't want to do PD things that could upset and offend people. It's like having my leg in a plaster cast and there is an itch that I can't get at and it drives me mad.

The Googling compulsion is such a massive problem. I was doing OK as a freelance designer until last year. Now I'm trying to work at home on my PC with an internet/reassurance compulsion that has got completely out of hand and well, you can imagine how that's working out for me! I feel so embarrassed, I don't choose to do it and I try to resist, but I honestly can't. Then I worry that this is all because of a PD and that I don't have OCD.

Then there is the fact that I set myself tasks to complete with the right mental attitude (whatever that is). If I do this successfully it means I'm not a narc.

I've also got an obsession about whether my friend wears white or purple lingerie for sex, which is ridiculous. As if white and purple are the only choices! This is persistent, intrusive and drives me mad.

Sorry. I guess I feel really ashamed of how bad the Googling is and the whole PD obsession. The rational approach is to just stay away from Google. It's not that easy.

No need to apologise! I know how hard it is to stop Googling. I went through a terrible period of it when I first found out I had OCD, as I kept doubting it and wanting to check I had it. I also did the same as you and kept googling to try and convince myself I had a PD. I can't say if you have one or not and its possible that the doctors etc are wrong but maybe it's best to assume they're right and try and let it go? I know that's not easy. I've got to that stage myself and assume I don't have one, having said I still think I have traits. Maybe it's the same with you? I first thought I had OCD when I realised my need to work out what caused everything I do wasn't 'normal'. For example, I have a real need for attention. I came to think it was BPD and kept googling 'needing attention and BPD'. Then I'd come across HPD and start googling that with needing attention too. It seems both PDs have that as a sign so I'd drive myself mad trying to work out which one was causing it or if something else was causing it. I still worry about this and now I keep trying to work out whether the OCD is causing it.

I've felt better since getting married and now I worry maybe I never had OCD in the first place! Despite this I am soon to start a new thread... So I guess I'm not suddenly cured although sometimes it feels like I am.

I'm glad you're feeling better after the wedding. Stress makes my OCD worse and the build up to the wedding was stressful for you. Try not to worry about whether you really have OCD, because that's OCD and you deserve to have moments of not doubting!

I think I do have traits, but I've kind of accepted that I at least have BPD just to be on the safe side (even though I've now been told that I don't). I'm worried in case I have it and it makes me lose control and do something dangerous or harm someone verbally or physically. My nurse said he works with people with all kinds of mental health issues, including people with PDs and he says that I really don't seem like someone with a PD. However, we both agreed that him reassuring me wasn't going to do any good!

Sorry, but I had to laugh about you thinking about your need for attention being because of BPD and then coming across HPD and worrying about that! That's pretty much how it is for me right now. I'm in a right pickle with trying to work out what's 'normal' at the moment.

Mr Shark found me very difficult to deal with when I started going into that manic episode last year. He told me to get to the doctor and that he couldn't handle me being like that. I was upset. My psychiatrist suggested that it could be a fear of abandonment (BPD) trait. However, I fear that it's worse, because at the time I was actually most upset about the possibility of us having to sell the house if we split up. I feel that's pretty shallow and materialistic and I'm guilty about that.

PS, I'm pretty sure I've got Avoidant PD, but that could just be social anxiety.

I wonder if this is where we differ. It sounds like you're convinced you have a PD as you don't want to have one? Whereas I actually want one. It's the need for attention. It's the same thing with OCD actually. Sometimes I'm glad I have it as I use it to get attention. I try not to, but I can't help it. I now wonder if it's actually OCD causing this need for attention as it's definitely compulsive and I worry no one will pay me attention without me having this thing wrong with me. That's part of the reason why I often doubt I have OCD. I was happy to get the diagnosis, then thought 'this is what I wanted, what if I lied and I don't have it?' Sometimes I just feel like a fraud.

I don't think you're attention grabbing. Also, people like some attention. Maybe OCD has taken with this innocent aspect of being human and ran with it? OCD can turn everyday normal stuff into doubts about who you are as a person and the integrity of your motives. It sounds like there's some of that going on for you.

I worry about PDs so much as I already have bipolar and at least I get breaks of 2-3 years between episodes, but a PD is constantly happening and a problem for life. It's a sinking feeling in my stomach that there could be a deeper more serious problem than OCD and bipolar and that I'll potentially never get any respite from a PD. This is just making the OCD worse. I also read lots about how people with PDs can harm others around them without realising. That's not good stuff to ruminate on when you are prone to harm themed stuff.

Oh I'm a definite attention seeker. Although mostly it's wanting attention rather than trying to get it. Like I feel jealous if someone is ill as I want that attention for myself. I actually dream about having cancer or something so i can get attention, which is pretty messed up.

Yeah I can imagine that would be hard for you. I think you need to assume the doctors etc are right and you don't have a PD?

kah80 wrote:Oh I'm a definite attention seeker. Although mostly it's wanting attention rather than trying to get it. Like I feel jealous if someone is ill as I want that attention for myself. I actually dream about having cancer or something so i can get attention, which is pretty messed up.

I think that's probably more common than you'd think. I guess in PD territory you would be actively seeking it and annoying and offending people in the process and this would be outrageous and extreme attention seeking.

I think most people have felt a bit jealous when someone can't give them attention (I have) and they want it. Only, I think that people with OCD are more likely to admit it as they would feel more guilty and anxious about it and would worry whether it was a sign of something worse = confession.

kah80 wrote:Yeah I can imagine that would be hard for you. I think you need to assume the doctors etc are right and you don't have a PD?

Yes, this is true and hopefully some kind of exposure and ritual prevention will help. I don't know why this is so bothersome. I just get a burning need to know for sure and it's driving me crazy. I fear that if I don't find the answer I'll just continue to feel like this.

Good points. To be honest I'd probably invent something wrong with me if I didn't have OCD that makes me feel guilty about everything. This means I could never lie and pretend to be ill when I'm not.

I do sympathise. Sorry if I've said this before but I keep feeling I have to know the answer to whether a problem I have with friends is OCD or not and I feel I can't rest until I know. So I know how you feel.