Can't stop thinking I'm horrible (TW pedophilia)

What would any of you do if you were in my position?

Dear nmg91:

I re-read your original post and some of the ones following. I noticed you answered every person who replied to you. This is unusual. Often original posters post and then do not come back to their post, or if they do, they don't bothering answering those who replied. But you were very attentive to everyone. This means to me that you are motivated in healing what needs to heal and in reaching out for help and following through with it.

I don't know if you shared about psychotherapy. Often psychotherapist are not competent or hard working enough and/or dedicated or caring, and this is unfortunate. But if you came across a good, hard working, caring and competent psychotherapist, considering your motivation, you will do very well in such and achieve the healing that you need.

It worked for me although it has been hard work requiting lots of patience on my part.

Best to you and please keep posting.

atina

atina:

Thanks for your suggestion. I noticed that there is a local psychotherapist within where I live, so I will need to check out the suitability of the location/times and requirements for registering for it. Thanks again!

I think I respond to everyone because when you are deeply unhappy about certain circumstances in your life, when someone is offering their hand and providing you with good, sound advice it needs to be addressed. Because the fact that they went out of their way to offer thoughtful advice to you when you were in need is a kindness in itself, you know?

I think I am becoming a little more used to dealing with these obsessive thoughts and using my work as a distraction, which can be handy. Of course I can't solely rely on work to brush my concerns under the rug but it's good to take your mind off your misery even for a little while.

Dear nmg91:

Distracting yourself while working is a good thing. "Distraction" was one of the tools my psychotherapist introduced to me, as a tool to manage distress, overwhelming emotions.

Like you, i do answer anyone who is trying to help me, or I would. And this is somehow tied to me being the hard working client/ patient that I was in my psychotherapy, CBT+Mindfulness therapy it was. The therapist gave me homework every session (or via email following a session) and I did the homework before the next session. I invested time and energy and persisted (not without exceptions)- and this is why I think you too will be a good candidate in psychotherapy.

But again, it needs to be a competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist to match your work ethics, which you already expressed in answering everyone as thoroughly and kindly as you did!

I appreciate your kindness and responding to everyone. As I wrote, this is not common!

Please do post anytime...I would be interested to find out about the therapy available to you and would like it if you told me about a therapist you saw, if you need help figuring out if he or she is competent, caring and hard working...(again, not so common!)

atina

atina wrote:Dear nmg91:

Distracting yourself while working is a good thing. "Distraction" was one of the tools my psychotherapist introduced to me, as a tool to manage distress, overwhelming emotions.

Like you, i do answer anyone who is trying to help me, or I would. And this is somehow tied to me being the hard working client/ patient that I was in my psychotherapy, CBT+Mindfulness therapy it was. The therapist gave me homework every session (or via email following a session) and I did the homework before the next session. I invested time and energy and persisted (not without exceptions)- and this is why I think you too will be a good candidate in psychotherapy.

But again, it needs to be a competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist to match your work ethics, which you already expressed in answering everyone as thoroughly and kindly as you did!

I appreciate your kindness and responding to everyone. As I wrote, this is not common!

Please do post anytime...I would be interested to find out about the therapy available to you and would like it if you told me about a therapist you saw, if you need help figuring out if he or she is competent, caring and hard working...(again, not so common!)

atina

I recently contacted a helpline called Breathing Space and they referred me to a psychosexual clinic to provide a one-off counselling session that, if they suspect there is something more to my troubles, will suggest a different form of therapy or refer me to a psychiatrist. I am very slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might not be a paedophile.

But I can't stop thinking that I sexual abused because I didn't check where the Indonesian boy was from. I know 16 is the age of consent in Britain but it's no excuse to send erotic stories to people who are considered children in other countries. My mind keeps repeating the incident in my head like a broken record and I get terrified that I actually did get some gratification from it (because of how graphic the content was) even though the primary intention was to spread a rumour about an American musician.

The guilt is so intense that I constantly feels like I am dragging a dead body around wherever I go, when I'm getting on with my work on a daily basis. I feel that I deserve to be mistreated or can't move on from the incident. More so I am scared for the boy because I am worried that he has been traumatised or psychologically damaged from the incident. It sets a horrible example like "if adults are going to talk to you like that then it's okay to talk to kids like that" and it's so upsetting and frustrating and Christ I don't know what to do anymore.

Dear nmg91:

Just this morning, before reading your latest post, I remembered something hurtful I did to another person. I don't even want to specify what it is because it makes me feel bad. Well, I will specify a bit: a comment I made to my sister that was hurtful and uncalled for. I felt bad as I recalled.And then I thought: oh,my god, I must have said lots of other things to her, no doubt, hurtful things and I was starting to go on that path of beating myself up and panicking over being a bad person.

I stopped the panic by thinking: yes, I did hurt her. I hurt her and I hurt other people. I already went through this (I said to myself) and I already figured that I have to endure this guilt, this knowing because there is nothing I can do to change what already took place. All I can do is heal, continue to heal and provide a good atmosphere for myself (in between my ears) so that I can continue to heal. A forgiving of myself.

If there is nothing you can do about the message you sent that person from Indonesia, if... then can you possibly aim at accepting that you did something that was indeed wrong to do, that you are indeed guilty of having done it, that you learned and are capable of not doing it again. And accept that you have no healthy choice but to endure this pain.

Once you accept it, it will weaken, that pain, over time. It will get better, worse, and over time, it will be possible to endure without the additional distress.

atina

atina:

I do acknowledge that it was a wrong thing to do and I have apologised recently to the boy by email. It's just I don't want to be a child sexual abuser/someone who sexually assaults children!! It's my worst fear!! I contacted the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) about what happened and asked if it was child abuse and they said that it wasn't advisable behaviour, but that I had obviously learned from it and changed my behaviour. When I asked if it was CSA they said "well, we would be talking to you differently if we thought it was." I was relieved but it feels like it I still did something terrible. I know that I did something bad, I'm just so scared of being a child abuser.

I am accepting the pain, it has been going on for 4 years at this point. I know what I did wasn't right. It goes on and off and looms at the back of my head reminding me why I am not a good person. I want to find a way to acknowledge it healthily without my brain constantly screaming at me. I get that people do stupid, thoughtless things from time to time and have to accept them as what they are but I am so scared of molesting/abusing children that it is seriously distressing me at the moment. Like there's saying something cruel in the heat of the moment in a row and then there's sexually assaulting a child and the latter is just absolutely horrifying to me.

..

atina wrote:..

I have sent you a PM.

Dear nmg91: all my replies to you got rejected with "your request has timed out" message except that one time with my testing of "..." and I hope this one. Driving me nuts!
atina