Can't stop thinking I'm horrible (TW pedophilia)

I went and got an appointment with my GP and wrote down everything that had been upsetting me so that I could articulate the hell I have been through for the past year in full detail. She was very sympathetic and said she would like a note to refer to for a psychiatrist. I only gave her my note of reference a couple of weeks ago but it feels like an eternity waiting for a reply. My GP agreed that it wasn't a therapist I was needing and more a psychologist/psychiatrist who would be more understanding of my situation, which is a relief but the time could not come sooner.

I also can't stop recalling my chat on KIK. I keep speculating that the woman I was talking to was actually a minor, even though there's very little evidence to support this theory. She said she was 27, working in a call centre and had a drivers licence. Even when I started chatting to her I was paranoid - I have always been paranoid about these situations and usually I would turn out to be in the wrong - but because I never found her on any other website, it has bloomed into a full blown obsession. I keep thinking "she seemed a bit immature and insecure so OF COURSE she had to be young" and "people your age and older have more defined features and she didn't have more distinctive nasolabial folds/cheekbones so she was obviously a kid". I obsess over the remaining photos I have trying to find "proof" whether she is a child or not and it's so upsetting. I constantly go on Facebook trying to find her and check who she really is but I can't find her and spend most of my days on social media checking the features of young adult women and comparing them so I KNOW I wasn't unknowingly complicit in perpetuating some form of child abuse. I keep replaying our discussions in my head and trying to make sense of it all.

I really want to be happy and enjoy life and I want that woman to be okay but I don't even know if she's a woman and I am scared that I have seriously hurt her and agonise over this everyday. When I tell my parents they're somewhat scornful because it's just "internet fluff" to them even though this is so serious to me. I don't want to abuse children, I don't want to sexually assault teenagers and I constantly fear that I have even if there's nothing that proves I have and it's a living hell. I would never hurt someone who was a child and this fear that I unknowingly have is destroying me.

If they're not who they said they were, and you had absolutely no proof otherwise, it's on them, not you, mijo. From a moral standpoint, how can you be culpable when you know nothing?

Snaga:

Because I feel like I should have figured out who they are. Because I repeatedly fear that I could be abusive or a pedophile, even when the evidence is pointing otherwise. Because I know nothing about them and can't find anything, I keep referring to their photos and getting insanely paranoid, reassessing my conversations with them. I'm not sure why any teenager would lie about being 27 and working in a call centre in Britain anyway where both the AoC laws and drinking age are much lower than in America but there's this constant fear. And because I only have photos I overanalyse what I have left and because it was on KIK I have no trace of the conversation left because when the woman went quiet in me I deleted the conversation as she obviously wasn't going to contact me back. My friends and family have seen the photos and think she looks from early 20s to early 30s but because I never heard back from her I keep fearing the worst. I just would never want to hurt a child under 16 like that ever. The thought just sends dread through me and I would hate to hurt a child so much.

Well you're going to have to trust the evidence and their statement in good faith, and let it go, son. You'll never have what your anxiety wants, and you're going to have to just Let. It. Go. It's hard but it gets easier, trust me

Snaga:

I'm a woman but you know, you're probably right. It's like my anxiety is fuelled by uncertainty and a lot of the times it's based on reevaluating every sexual experience/interaction/comments that I have made in the past and it's like "hey let's find a way that nmg91 can see herself as a sexual predator, even in hypothetical instances!" Like it feels like my anxiety seeks out reasons to make me question my own behaviour and certainty in incidents but nothing can reassure it. Like even when I am talking to someone I am certain is an adult I panic because I wonder "what if they're secretly lying?" Like there's a 25/26 year old man I was speaking to last year and up to recently who I have been flirting with/cybering with online and they seem legit for the most part but my brain keeps telling me to doubt them. Idk.

my bad, sorry sweetie!

Ultimately, you have to trust the other person. As a moderator, I have to trust ppl are truthful as to if they're the minimum age to post here; that they are not using their real name as a user name; etc. I mean I understand-I've done online stuff that would be unconscionable if I was knowingly doing it with/at a minor- I had to trust the person in the other end was not. You can only be responsible for yourself; it is impossible to be responsible for others.

Snaga:

I know I have to be trustful most of the time. I have spend a good chunk of the week looking at the faces of teenagers to "check" that I wasn't talking to one and for the most part they don't really look like the woman I was chatting to. There was one teenager who looked like she was 30 but I feel like you always get one like that - plus it was really obvious she was because of how she typed and that she was really immature and silly. I feel so creepy doing this because essentially I am looking up young people for checking purposes.

I don't think the woman I was looked or acted a lot like a teenager either, because she was a bit daft/clingy and didn't have very deep nasolabial folds I keep wondering. And I keep panicking whether or not she asked me about sex acts because a few months ago I watched To Catch a Predator and the decoys (pretending to be teenagers usually under 16) would ask questions about sex to show that a) this is a horrible idea to pursue an underage child and b) children are not expected to have a thorough understanding of sex. They are a vulnerable class. I keep thinking it is false memories but because I do not have the chat logs and think that the woman likely deleted her KIK application/doesn't use it anymore, my mind is going mental.

Some good news I have is that I will be checking in for a psychiatric appointment next week so I can finally realise what is going on. Whether my worries are based in reality or whether they are greatly distorted by anxiety, I hope it really helps. I struggle on a regular basis with the volleying of anxieties from the past and Tumblr and fandom based communities don't help. There was a person recently who got called out for grooming/raping underage girls and while I did not have a relationship with the boy from Indonesia, there was a similar age gap between me and him when I send him that stupid disgusting story. And because of how horrible that person was and how appalled everyone was/is with them, I worry that I am exactly like them, even though even at 20 I had no desire to be with anyone under 18. Especially not a gay teenager from across the other side of the world who thought I was a 37 year old singer.

I think I just got somewhat diagnosed with OCD. I know this seems strange because I have been posting here regularly because I have suffered with issues with anxiety - a lot of my fears seemed to mirror the patterns of OCD so while I didn't necessarily want to go about screaming "yes this is what I have", I was using forums like a patient would for a medical illness they have and how to treat it. But I am glad there is an official name to my suffering and that I don't need to jump to my own conclusions anymore.

My GP referred me to a psychologist and I spoke about all the subjects I have been thinking about here. She is going to put me on a prescription of Zoloft. At first she thought it was GAD and I wondered if she was right but thought "don't people with GAD tend to worry about rational subjects that their brains blow out of proportion and cause them to suffer mentally and physiologically because of it", which felt weird because everyone was telling me that my fears were irrational and out of touch with reality.

But between the weeks of seeing my psych I was sent a leaflet on how to deal with OCD and was confused because I thought I was supposed to have GAD? But I went back to her and asked her if compulsions was common with GAD and before I even listed all the ways I have checked in the past she said "Yeah, I have been thinking it over and it seems like the thoughts are obsessional thinking without the compulsions." I will start medication this weekend and will see her again in August. I don't know if the diagnosis is "official" because I know people who are treated for MI by psychs but don't actually have a record of diagnosis for it, despite the fact that it's very real. But I am happy to be getting treatment for it. I don't know if it changes everything or whether I will still see myself as morally corrupt/abusive but it's better to try and help myself than let myself suffer.

But I am happy to be getting treatment for it. I don't know if it changes everything or whether I will still see myself as morally corrupt/abusive but it's better to try and help myself than let myself suffer.

I think once the meds kick in, you'll probably start to see yourself in a more realistic light, mijo, although they may have to find just the right med/dosage. Just be sure to keep your Dr on the same page as how you feel so they can keep you fine-tuned. This is really good news and I'm super happy for you!

Snaga:

Thank you so much. They will start me on a low dosage then go up. Apparently there aren't as many side affects as I imagine. It is good news and I am happy that some of my suspicions about my mental health have been confirmed. If not I would have been guessing rubbish in the dark! I hope you are okay too.