HOCD and romantic relationships?

P.S. I found some research "Sertraline versus Paroxetine":
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15096081
What do you think?

I think that each medication works differently for everybody but i was told by my doctor that Sertraline is better tolerated by most people and has lesser side effects. It does work pretty quickly as well.

Wait. What? But you said: "you should give it time."
So should I quit my medication if it doesn't work within the first few days?

No, you should not quit. What I meant that while it takes time for medication to show its affect fully, but for me, within few days I noticed some small positive changes and I knew it would work. It took 3 months to show its full affect though. If you aren't seeing any positive changes or if it doesn't ease up your intrusive thoughts, maybe you should talk to your doctor again to see what he/she has to say.

Why can't I have some distinct feelings, neither to men or women? Why I don't feel certainty?
I haven't felt certainty in this "love and sexuality" aspect of my life for a LONG TIME...
I didn't fall in love for about 5 years. Something is wrong with me.
Can I be so deeply in denial, and suppressing my feelings, that I can't recognize my homosexuality?
I really can't understand, I tried. The only way to get feelings towards men, is to start thinking and fantasizing myself as gay. (checking)
Maybe I didn't explore homosexuality enough? Maybe if I'd watch more gay-porn and fantasize more about men, I will get rid of anxiety, and perceive it as normal. I don't know... Why should I do it?

I really feel improvement sometimes. And mediTation really helps me. But it doesn't help me find out who I really am. Meditation just helps me to relax and be happy. But anyway, I will encounter situations in my life, where this "question" will raise again, and I will have to make decisions, sooner or later. I can not just shut up my mind all the time.

I feel your pain man. I had the exact thoughts, the exact doubts and checking etc. At one point, when I was on a bus, I found this person really attractive and then I had full blown panic attacks on the bus but then I realised the person was a girl so then i laughed it off. It can get horrible, it can get freaky but stay strong. Your mind will not shut up until the chemicals are balanced as you know it but if it makes you feel any better, if you were gay, you'd know it... You wouldnt doubt or check it. What you, me and many people on this forum with HOCD... We are/were sick, but its only temporary. Stay strong.

Angloas wrote:I feel your pain man. I had the exact thoughts, the exact doubts and checking etc. At one point, when I was on a bus, I found this person really attractive and then I had full blown panic attacks on the bus but then I realised the person was a girl so then i laughed it off. It can get horrible, it can get freaky but stay strong. Your mind will not shut up until the chemicals are balanced as you know it but if it makes you feel any better, if you were gay, you'd know it... You wouldnt doubt or check it. What you, me and many people on this forum with HOCD... We are/were sick, but its only temporary. Stay strong.

Thank you for your empathy, I appreciate it very much.

Also today I had a "wet-dream" (sorry for details) involving a naked woman in my bathroom,
and I pre-cummed... I was really horny today in the morning. I barely handled myself to keep my hands away. And while I was SO horny, I tried to imagine a naked man in my bahroom, instead of a naked woman. I could imagine the scene, with no problem. But I had no feelings towards this man and it worked like a "boner-killer". I REALLY TRIED, I gave freedom to my feelings, because I was so tired of that uncertainty, but I had no feelings towards a naked man while I was SUPER-horny. But I pre-cummed when I was fantasizing about a naked woman. So it gives me some confidence and power to continue the fight.

What you are doing reassuring yourself you like women and testing still by trying to prove you don't like the other. Precum or not doesn't necessarily mean this or that as anxiety can cause just about anything between the legs. If you know the horny feeling is genuine then I'd say yes you probably are straight but you should stop testing for it. How were you dreaming in the bathroom?

jdd wrote:How were you dreaming in the bathroom?

I was dreaming that I am in my bathroom

jdd wrote:What you are doing reassuring yourself you like women and testing still by trying to prove you don't like the other.

Yes, it means I still have problems.

jdd wrote:Precum or not doesn't necessarily mean this or that as anxiety can cause just about anything between the legs.

I didn't feel anxious. I felt just very aroused. No anxiety or fear. I don't even doubt or question myself "am I straight?" I just hope that I am, it feels so right for me. I just hope I'm straight.

jdd wrote:If you know the horny feeling is genuine then I'd say yes you probably are straight but you should stop testing for it.

In my dream, I was spying a woman in the shower. (in my own shower)
I was very aroused. Maybe my arousal was caused by morning erection and maybe I was rubbing myself against my bed, and my dream was just a consequence of this. Who knows?
Maybe my "boner-killer" feeling towards men and decrease of arousal was caused by my anxiety.
But (in my dream) when I stepped in my bath tube, aiming to have sex with that woman. I just couldn't hold it anymore! I ejaculated all over her face and body without even having sex with her. And then I woke up with wet pants and the URGE to FAP, but I managed to control myself.
Imagining this scene excites me even now.
I was so EXTREMELY horny. And I RISKED. I tried to imagine this exactly the same scene, but instead a woman, there was a naked man. To check. YES IT IS A COMPULSION. But I HAVE TO KNOW!
So even if I was EXTREMELY horny, I had no feelings towards this man, and my erection "deflated".

(also read my post above please)

I would like to describe my feelings towards men. Here is the deal:

This feelings appear when I start doubting, they appear with anxiety. I feel admiration, and I feel being dominated.
"Domination" aspect plays a VERY important role here. I feel anxiety and weird, arousal-like feelings when I imagine that another man is dominating over me. I don't have this feelings when I am confident. If I imagine a scene where I am dominating over another man, I feel NOTHING, no SYMPATHY, no ATTRACTION, and I get easily bored. So I am 100% not active-gay.
(Do you know what Active, Passive mean?)

Here is a quote from my original post:

I had some homosexual games with my cousin, he's 4 years older than me, I was 9-13 y.o. and he was 12-16 y.o. (i'm not sure about our ages). I didn't like those games, he initiated them, and he always asked me if I want to stop, and I said that "YES", but I didn't cry or smth., I thought it was some kind of a WEIRD GAME, I was smiling like an idiot, but I didn't liked it...

When this happened, my cousin was dominating over me.
I have a personal "theory", that my anxiety is caused by this situation in my life.

Also I have an "obsessive theory". I think that my cousin "helped" me to look at men in another way. I'm afraid that he "opened a new perspective" in my mind and made me gay somehow, unconsciously. Is it possible?

Is it possible to be a coincidence, that something like that happened in my life, and I have sexual obsessions?

or

Is it possible to be a coincidence, that this situation happened with me, but I was already born gay?

Also, my cousin was my best friend when I was a kid, we played together computer games, we had family trips to nature. He was a VERY authoritative person in my life. I always admired him, and I always wanted to be like him. He even was EMO for some time, and I started to be EMO to...
I hope it helps you understand my relationships with my cousin. I still love him, he is my brother.
But I hate that this situation happened to me.

-- Fri Jan 29, 2016 6:52 pm --

wiltedspinach, I'm sorry for the off-topic.