***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Hey folks -

I am making this a regular thread, but I will sticky it a little later.

As the title says, this is a thread for how you are feeling today. It's good for what it says, if you don't feel like making a whole new thread, or you have gotten feedback and just want to vent.

Since we are venting, we are talking about our symptoms. So I have put a Trigger Warning for those who may want to avoid everything but their own thread.

Otter.

I'll break the ice.

I'm feeling like crap, I've had some physical sensations I don't like and I have extreme medical anxiety and avoidance. I'm not sure where the line is between other forms of anxiety, OCD, etc., but from a very young age I would glom onto a random description of disease and obsessively think about getting it, no matter how outlandish. And whenever I have symptoms, I suspect the absolute worst. I have been good about not checking online, I guess that's good.... otoh if it could be really minor, I'm missing out on relaxing a tiny bit, otoh I'd find the worst thing and make it so in my head. So.... I'm dying (in my mind, at the least). Meh. I have to go get it seen to eventually, I know. I keep procrastinating out of, well, terror comes close to how I feel about it. I'm so miserable, both physically and emotionally, that I'm actually thinking of therapy, something I never would have, before, but I'm getting too old to ignore stuff and hide from Drs.

Note I talk a good game. What I do remains to be seen.

Other forms of OCD, well, not too bad.

I've not been overchecking everything lately, not even at work. Okay, rechecking just a little. But it's been a while since I've had to turn around and go back upstairs like, a bunch of times just to check that faucet. So that's good.

I've been throwing stuff away today of my mom's. She saved EVERYTHING. A lot of personal stuff I schlepped to my house when she passed, and now I'm trying to let some of it go. Old photos of her third husband from when he was with his first wife, old Xmas decorations I got in grade school, a lock of my first cat's fur (I let that out outside, not putting her in a garbage can!), stuff like that. I tried to throw away my mom and mine's hospital bracelets (yes, I have my baby ankle bracelet. she threw away noth. ing.) and couldn't, but still I'm making progress in getting a de-hoardish attitude. The Mancave may actually be welcoming someday! Even the s/o was surprised, she was supportive and did not pressure me to throw anything away and even questioned my choices, but what do I ever do with anything? I can't make love to the stuff. Needs to go.

My intrusive thought OCD, well harm OCD, to be specific, hasn't bothered me too much lately. Most of the time that stays beat down by logic, but every now and then it manages to break thru the haze and make me at least uneasy. But not usually panicked, I've lived with that for a very long time now, and can usually manage to keep it firmly in its place. Just steer into the wind and let them blow past.....

I think that's the full initial how I'm feeling.... I suppose that's a little in the way of introduction, too, since I've not posted much here.

Today I am doing really well. Instead of trying to fight and defeat the monster of obsessions with which I am faced, I am simply walking away - which is the easiest and best possible solution to overcome any OCD symptom.

I've realized today after wandering around my garden and audibly talking to myself like a crazy person (my neighbors probably think I'm really disturbed, but it's my method of thinking. I organize what I think by uttering my thoughts audibly) that the biggest battle an OCD sufferer faces is not having to prove that they are NOT something, but to prove their identity. For example, I have dealt with homosexual OCD and pedophile OCD multiple times in my life. At the time of my disturbance, I was mistaking these doubts as "you ARE a pedo / homo." By framing the doubt in the form of a statement of affirmation, then that is either the trick of extreme OCD or it could be the result of one's true identity.

However, in most cases of OCD the statement of doubt is rather a negation, such as "You are NOT heterosexual / attracted to adults."

In the first affirming statement, one could easily say "No I am not" and that would be the end of that; or they could say "maybe I am" and they would follow into a process of self discovery that would present it's own series of challenges that are much different than OCD.
In the second negation statement, one has to battle tirelessly to prove "Yes I am." And that's where the obsessive-compulsive battle begins. This statement of doubt is one that directly challenges the established structure of identity that has been conditioned and sculpted over the span of one's entire life, which causes the ruminating thoughts because one is forced to review their entire life's span.

But instead of even trying to engage in this battle of wit and will between my own consciousness and identity, and the mischievous devil of OCD, I'm just growing sick of it and walking away. There's no point in arguing with an irrational monster that only exists in your head - just as there's no point in arguing with fools in real life.

Other than that, there's a woman... I swear her body is the manifest of my dreams. Curves for days, rose-red lips and brown eyes, thick brunette hair and skin so creamy that you can pour it into a glass and drink. She's coming over tomorrow, and I can't wait to have my wicked way with her.

On top of that, my new care team that is helping me recover from OCD and other disabilities is very comprehensive and persistent. Today alone, I received 3 phone calls from my clinic that were all discussing with me referrals to sleep studies and neurologists, as well as trying to push my new medication through so that my insurance will cover it.

Tomorrow, I see this ethereal woman... then I get to see another equally extraordinary woman later that night.

What can I say? I'm not in a relationship, and I make my intentions known and clear. I never lie about what I want nor hide it, but somehow that just keeps them coming back for more. Maybe I've really become the devil I thought I was?

Either way, where there is fire, I carry gasoline.

lol honesty is the best policy.... have a good evening!

Re: sounding like a crazy person- I stopped stressing talking to myself a long time ago. Someone asks me who I'm talking to, I just tell them, 'myself' and look at them like it's perfectly normal. Supposed to be a sign of intelligence anyway. Not that I am, but they don't have to know that.

It's lunch time now and I'm feeling ok I guess. I've had a lot of reassurance today though so it's not like I'm making progress. Sometimes the obsessive thoughts come and I compulsion before I even have a chance to catch it.

Sometimes o get obsessive thoughts that are so broad I can't even think of a compulsion that will calm myself. Does that happen to others?

Also, thank you for the encouragement my thread otter. It helps a little. The doubt is still crushing and terrifying but I have to hope I will get back to being recoveredish.

Broad obsessions happen to me all the time. Sometimes when I'm acting compulsively, the original obsession is just gone entirely but compulsion still has it's shackles on me.

It's almost like an alcoholic who starts drinking because of a broken marriage. After a certain time passes, the broken marriage no longer becomes relevant to how much he drinks, but he drinks himself stupid anyway. That's actually pretty common with OCD.

Since this Is also about things that spike people. I need to say this. I'm terrified of going in for treatment with a new therapist because this ocd isnt one of the ones that is under the sexual themes or any themes on just about every website, yet there are quite a few of us on this forum. What gives?

I'm not sure exactly what you are saying Ashes? Are you saying that you have some sort of OCD going on which doesn't seem to be addressed in other place, or the kind other people have had?

Let me clarify my worry.
TOCD is not ever mentioned in articles describing the various types of OCD on the many websites discussing ocd.

This increases the amount of anxiety generated by the " this ocd doesnt even exist, you are having very real gender worries. you had ocd but this isnt it. It was the hocd, the health fears, the existential fears, but its not this."

Do I make any more sense? I apologize for my writing. it is very painful even typing some of this.

I'd be skeptical if a therapist ran straight to GID in your case, Ash. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck....