I'm starting to doubt my HOCD. Help. Please.

So I decide to share my experiences with this horrific phase of mine (which I do not know if I should label it HOCD or not) when I am oddly calm..I still have that tinge of panic but strangely right now I'm calm and since I am I believe I would be able explain myself better than when I am in first degree panic mode.

So I have been questioning sexuality for some time now (several months around 2 - 3) and it has not been pleasant..in fact it has been a nightmare. Throughout my seventeen years I have believed myself to be straight. Ever since I was little my mind would be filled with the thoughts of guys..(Fun Fact..when I was in elementary school I found out Ash Ketchum from pokemon was voice actored by a female..yea let's just say I was devastated..and my fantasy of ever marrying the fictional pokemon master was demolished)..And as I grew older the idea of dating and marrying a guy excited me!! I couldn't wait for those days to come!! When I entered my teenage years My tastes for guys started to form and I started falling head over heels over Kpop/Jpop boy bands/singers and anime guys..my room is just filled with guys left and right..guys..guys..everywhere!! So as you can see I was boy crazy. But unfortunately my loving..fun..boy drooling days was interupted and my nightmare started.

I had questioned my sexuality before but it lasted around a minute or two because I knew I was straight and so I just shrugged it off. Then one day I got turned on by two girls doing some naughty things and that's where it went downhill. I was terrified..never been so scared..for several days possibly weeks I couldn't eat..I barely ate a spoon of rice (Yes..yes I am asian) without having the urge to puke it back out..I couldn't sleep without having to constantly remind myself that I was straight..I had considered killin myself..it was literally a "Straight or Death" situation..it started affecting my daily life..I couldn't look at the girls the same way..yet I still acted fine around my friends..I had all these unwanted thoughts pop in my head like kissing a girl..going out with another one etc. I was terrified I didn't know what was going on..what terrified me more was that it felt like I was losing interest in guys..because the guys that once made me go nuts didn't anymore..I just felt this tight knot in my stomach..I was depressed I so wanted to go back to my old life (still do more than anything)..felt like I was paying more attention to girls and honestly I hated it..it scared me so much..(still does..at least it bothers me). Then I starte getting these images of me with another girl and it seeme like I would actually enjoy being with another female..like I got those excitements I used to get when I imagined myself with a guy..I freaked out of course..I didn't like the idea but my mind was telling me that it was ok..and that I was accepting it..which scare me more..then as days/weeks went by my fear slowly went away an I just felt nothing..I felt numb towards it..I still got that uneasy feeling but I didn't seem too bothered by it..and so my mind was telling me that I was accepting it..which kinda caused a spike..Some days I know I'm straight but I'm afraid of becoming a lesbian or bi in the future..the fear and the anxiety is overwhelming..then I freak out more..other times it feels like I want to be one..and that just drives me nuts or again I feel nothing..just the uneasiness.

Then I start remembering things from my past..I was quiet boyish for a girl..I wante to be those cool tomboy greaser girls (yes when I was in elementary school that was my wish)..I liked power rangers and pokemon..but at the same time I enjoyed Barbies, littliest pet shop, Hamataro, Fur Real Friends etc. I wore boy clothes..and I always wanted to be the dad or brother when we played family..I have once lied about a girl having a crush on me to get attention..or how I pretended to be this friend's boyfriend again for attention..how I ha this girl crush on this girl (but I could never imagine myself in a relationship with her)..but then I had always liked guys even when I was a tomboy..I probably acted all tomboy to be closer to guys..I stopped being a tomboy and I started acting more girly because I was afraid people might think of me as a lesbian..

Then my innocent nonsexual thoughts became very sexual..not sure how or why..but they did..I started getting turned on by the thoughts and again I got that excited feeling ad the feeling of I would actually enjoy it and my fears and anxiety came rushing back.. Why did I think that? What is happening? Oh no am I actually turning into one? They were horrifying the fears I felt..was just overwhelming..again other times I was just again..numb..nothing just uneasy..and I start anticipating these unrealistic lesbian scenes in videos I watch..which again bothered me..and at one point I was hoping there would be a flash of underwear shown..which oh..that really bothered me..i didn't even know I would think such things!!

Then lately it seemed as if my mind is trying to convince me into becoming a lesbian or bi..like it's been trying to reason with me by giving all the "good" reasons why..like for example "girls understand girls better than guys" I have of course countered them all then my mind jut tells me that I'm in denial and I am just using all this HOCD as an excuse to not accept it.. That I was worried about how others might see me.. Then My doubt start to heighten ten folds and now I'm at a stage where I don't know where I stand anymore..Whenever I ask a friend to hang out I always get this anxiety and my mind is telling me "oh you going on a date with her?" and that just freaks me out!! But i can't stop the thoughts..it's driving me nuts!!

I want to be straight more than anything..I want to go back liking guys and only guys..but this doubt..Is so overwhelming..the fact that it seems like I have lost interest in guys terrifies me..but everytime I try to imagine myself with a guy now..it doesn't excite me as much..when I look at my room..it doesn't provide the same happiness just..numbness and sadness. I get so frustrated and depressed!! My mind is keep telling me to let go and that is what I truly want..but I don't think I do..

I know people say HOCD can make people believe in things..but is this really HOCD in act..or am I in some deep denial??

Ah I forgot up there that..what triggers my anxiety the most are tomboys..I was a tomboy once like I stated..and the girl I had a girl crush on was also a tomboy (again the crush was not in a romantic way). But recently I fear that I may be attracted to tomboys and that truly does terrify me..every time my mind show me an image of me with a tomboy at first I feel like..hey I'm ok with it..I mean she looks like a guy..and all then I start freakin out more than ever.."Oh man what did I just think just now!!" i don't mind being friends or best friends in matter of fact with them..But being in a romantic relation and the thought of enjoying it scares me..my mind tells me the reason that i am "losing" interest in guys is becuase I have gained them in tomboys and whenever I see a cute guy my mind keeps telling me "you wish that it was a girl huh?"
Again..is this my HOCD or am I actually attracted to tomboys?? It really is freakin me out..the whole tomboy thin is freaking me out the most..

Don't doubt... you are an OCD sufferer.
I dealt with HOCD for three years with the exact same symptoms are yourself... only I'm a man.
Believe in me when I say this.... it will only get more worse before it gets better.
You have to radically accept the worse case scenerio and that is .. that you could be gay, and that it's okay if you are, by doing this you are getting rid of all necessary need for checking and need for reassurance, as the need for such would be reassurance enough.

djslanty wrote:Don't doubt... you are an OCD sufferer.
I dealt with HOCD for three years with the exact same symptoms are yourself... only I'm a man.
Believe in me when I say this.... it will only get more worse before it gets better.
You have to radically accept the worse case scenerio and that is .. that you could be gay, and that it's okay if you are, by doing this you are getting rid of all necessary need for checking and need for reassurance, as the need for such would be reassurance enough.

Oh wow for three years? I can barely stand three seconds of this nightmare.
In all honesty..as strange as it may sound..I am relieved to hear that this is an OCD..but I was wondering..during your three years..have you ever felt like you're being more attracted to the same sex..more than the opposite sex? And I don't mean sexually but like attractions like "Oh she's (or in your case he's) cute." Because lately..I've been getting these thoughts and "attractions" about girls..which I usually don't get about them..and I get this feeling of..well you know that feeling when you see someone you like?? Yea..I get those and it's worrying me..and I get this feeling of "Oh I want to be gay" and I don't feel scared all the time..but sometimes I get these sharp pains in my stomach (not stomache)..

I saw these lesbian couple..and it felt as if I wanted that as well..and when I try to imagine myself with a guy..I get this.. "I prefer a girl" feeling..which again is worrying me..I am so confused now..I don't feel the same attraction (again not sexually) towards the opposite sex as I used to. And if I think "I'm lesbian" sometimes it feels right..then I get all worried again..

And how did it get worse for you?? If that makes sense..so I have to accept it..? In order to overcome this..oh no..

Ah..and another thing (I don't know why I'm keep forgetting bits and pieces of what I want to say..) did you ever fear about things happening the way you feared it would? I'm sorry that didn't make much sense..what I meant was..let's say that I thought of a scenario about me being lesbian..and now since I thought that..it's going to happen..or someone posted that he or she thought he or she was straight..then he or she found out he or she weren't..and now since I read that..now I have the of that's going to happen to me.

And the future..did you ever fear about being gay in the future?? Or falling in love with the same sex? Recently my mind's been telling me "If it's love you'll probably look past the fact she's a girl. See you're getting excited (not sexually) just thinking about being with a girl." And the feeling of actually wanting to the same sex is so realistic..and the fear of becoming attracted to the same sex or ending up with one is undescribable..

Did you, perhaps, go through this as well??

You and I are exactly the same. Except I am a teen but I have always been quite mature for my age. I am starting to doubt it too. I am even starting to question if the guys I was once attracted to, I was actually attracted to. Mine has been going on for seven months now and it is torture. I told my parents about two months ago that I was struggling and they helped me. The fact is though if you were really homosexual you would feel comfort in that. You would be afraid of coming out not this. And being turned on by girls doesn't make you a lesbian. Every girl has testosterone and that is what that is. Your mind is playing tricks on you when it says you want to kiss and date a girl. When you are having anxiety just do what I do and say out loud, "I am worried that I am a lesbian." It will sound so stupid in your head you will laugh trust me. Also, if you were a lesbian you would have never been attracted to boys period. You would have known. I hope this helped you a little bit. And stay strong!

I think I've been suffering from this for roughly 4 months as well but doubting that too (Diagnosed but haven't been doing treatment very well yet, and my therapist does not do sexual obsessions plus her suggestion was to also see sexual health program rather than someone for sexual obsessions OCD). I just can't get the thought out of my head and I keep checking and testing and looking online. Generally speaking I cannot recall any real true physical attraction to guys from my past. I remember having my first crush on a girl in the 1st grade and even had a crush on a bride at one of a distant family weddings sometime in elementary school too, I forget the age I was though. I have started to doubt basically everything or even wonder if it was real attraction or if it was nothing. I was really shy around girls pretty much my whole life and still mostly am other than small talk. The only girls that I really hung out with were my sister, cousin, and 1 family friend but I didn't feel anything for them because well related and didn't really like-like the other girl. In middle and high school I did fancy plenty of girls though its hard to say now because my mind doubts it whether I really really liked them but I remember feeling something more than just wanting to be friends with but again, I found it difficult to get anywhere with them because of shyness and felt unattractive. My biggest crush was on a girl at work when I was 17-18 (am about to turn 26). I loved everything about her kept thinking of her all the time even after she turned me down. Generally speaking I have hung out with my guy friends more often because of it but I never sought out guys specifically or found them attractive or cute or had feelings for them. If you look at Jack's post that does sound similar but I'm pretty sure that I never felt anything for guys ever. I did have a couple of curiosities when I was young like you show me yours type thing in elementary school but I don't believe I was aroused. Also, I did have 1 stray thought with 1 friend during middle school because I felt I had a really small member and there was talk between my friends about everyone having big dicks etc so I did wonder just how big and considered checking at a sleepover once but I never did and never considered it again. I also do remember vaguely MBing at his house once but I wasn't aroused by him or the thought of being there or even had him on my mind. Every other time it has always been girls but lately it is difficult to even fantasize at all. I have been a pretty avid porn user for quite some time and its difficult to pinpoint the exact age but I did start with only girls and moved to straight + some lesbian. Lesbian porn does still make me feel good but not as much as it used to. Got into weirder stuff as time went on, but never gay stuff until this HOCD that I have attempted to see reactions. Never gets even remotely erect in length but yet when I watch straight porn sometimes I see the dudes and it does? I seem to be noticing all guys now and wondering if I find them attractive and most of the time feeling groinal responses even guys I know aren't even good looking or have known them for a long time and never felt anything. There's more stuff to my story but that's really all I would like to share for now.

I've been starting to feel like what if I don't have ocd and I'm the only person who tried to use this as a cover for remaining in denial. I still force myself to go to work and out and about but I would rather be just sitting at home but that's no better either because then I just ruminate and search. I never really feared what most people would say or do if I was except one person but I told them about it anyway.

Kjoy, yes my mind does that sometimes as well. Plus I ruminate over conversations and how they might play out or if people have always thought I was or still do since that is what triggered it in the first place I believe.

Kjoy954 wrote:

djslanty wrote:Don't doubt... you are an OCD sufferer.
I dealt with HOCD for three years with the exact same symptoms are yourself... only I'm a man.
Believe in me when I say this.... it will only get more worse before it gets better.
You have to radically accept the worse case scenerio and that is .. that you could be gay, and that it's okay if you are, by doing this you are getting rid of all necessary need for checking and need for reassurance, as the need for such would be reassurance enough.

Oh wow for three years? I can barely stand three seconds of this nightmare.
In all honesty..as strange as it may sound..I am relieved to hear that this is an OCD..but I was wondering..during your three years..have you ever felt like you're being more attracted to the same sex..more than the opposite sex? And I don't mean sexually but like attractions like "Oh she's (or in your case he's) cute." Because lately..I've been getting these thoughts and "attractions" about girls..which I usually don't get about them..and I get this feeling of..well you know that feeling when you see someone you like?? Yea..I get those and it's worrying me..and I get this feeling of "Oh I want to be gay" and I don't feel scared all the time..but sometimes I get these sharp pains in my stomach (not stomache)..

I saw these lesbian couple..and it felt as if I wanted that as well..and when I try to imagine myself with a guy..I get this.. "I prefer a girl" feeling..which again is worrying me..I am so confused now..I don't feel the same attraction (again not sexually) towards the opposite sex as I used to. And if I think "I'm lesbian" sometimes it feels right..then I get all worried again..

And how did it get worse for you?? If that makes sense..so I have to accept it..? In order to overcome this..oh no..

Yes.. I completely lost my attraction to women due to the anxiety, and the constant hit of intrusive thoughts and images. I would get what is often called "false attractions" which is the fear of being attracted to someone like a friend or having false memories of possible attraction.. often confusing admiration or someone you look up to as a sign of "attraction" when in logical reality.. that's not the case.

What the goal here is .. is to change the relationship you have with the thoughts as being something that is OKAY to have.. and that if it turns out you are what you are .. then fine.. there's nothing wrong with it.... sooner or later you will come to a conclusion that once you change the fear into "acceptance" you now have control of your true biology and your attractions will come back as anxiety subsides.

UM HELLO!? YOU ARE A SPINNING IMAGE OF ME OMG I CANT BELIEVE I FOUND YOU. Let me just say that I too had a HUGE crush on ash ketchum, and once I found out Veronica Taylor voiced him I was very, very sad. I too have HOCD, and I also have lost my attraction to guys. I want to be straight more than anything, and I feel like if I really am lesbian my life is over. I used to be boy crazy, and I even have diary entries to prove it, but I just cant convince myself! I've had mine for a bout a month and it's driving me nuts. I was also a tom boy when I was little, I loved video games, wore boy clothes, etc. etc. but I liked guys. My HOCD is also making me think I like my sexual thoughts, even though I get an extreme amount of anxiety from them. Dont' worry! YOURE NOT GAY! I would like you to PM me if you can, I really need someone to talk to right now that is going through the same thing as me. Also check out my posts too please, they might help you