I'm starting to doubt my HOCD. Help. Please.

It's like you said..I fear that one of my worst fears..is becoming true..which is being attracted to the same sex..I don't even know if they are all "attractions"..the smallest attention I give to the same sex I tend to freak out. Female characters (like in movies..or tv shows) that never caught my attention (before all this started)..now seem to catch my attention even more than the guys. And everytime I get these "attractions" I panic a second later..then get really frustrated.

Does it seem like you notice them first now? That's how I feel which makes me seem like it's just denial.

Spike warning

I even started to test my pupil dilation in real life too...

Yea..it does..for me at times it feels like I'm in denial..other times it feels as if I'm slowly becoming a lesbian or bi..and gah..whenever I get that feeling I want to break something. It's not even characters in real life as well!! Today this girl I know gave me a pat on the back as she said goodbye..and I panicked..my mind told me that I liked her and that's why I panicked..and that's why I'm keep thinking about it..and it's angering me..and yeah..if I think about it..if I wasn't dealing with this nightmare I probably would have not thought anything about it..I don't know if anyone else feels as their mind is trying to convince them that they like the same sex..but for me..gah..it's scary..frustrating..and annoying.

This doesn't make any sense ._. Why does it feel like attraction when I've never felt this way before 25 that I can recall.

And like, I'll see the dudes in magazines on the racks at work and not really notice the chicks anymore without specifically looking. I try to picture people iin my mind and all I usually get is blackness or dicks. Feels like I'm going to have to come out now and just be gay but I know I don't want that.

And now that I look at my previous rant when I'm not in panic mode it seems more like I am when in that state rather than OCD.

I have dealt with homosexual OCD twice or three times in my life as well as pedophile OCD about twice in my life. What I learned is this:

Either homosexual and pedophile OCD are same in their origin, nature, and evolution (even though one is more shameful than the other and therefore harder to get over); or I am a gay pedophile who has only ever been driven to have relationships or sex with 40+ adult women.

The first circumstance is much more likely than the second circumstance. And the second circumstance is almost comically illogical. The point I am trying to outline is that your attraction and arousal toward the actual subject of your desires can and will decrease or be completely gone as the result of your obsessions and compulsions. That is the nefarious evolution of OCD, but it does not mean that you just became homosexual. There is no such thing as a "secret," "repressed," "latent" identity that just pops up out of nowhere in someone's life. That is a Freudian psychoanalytic theory that has long since been proven incorrect. If you are a homosexual then you will know that you are attracted to the same sex early on in your life. You may not understand it at first, but that same-sex attraction will still be present. As you age and mature, you begin to understand your attraction and preference and eventually apply that to your self-definition or true identity. The romantic and sexual fantasies you experience as a result of your attraction and preference validate your identity and satisfy the needs and desires associated with your identity.

If you say you were boy crazy or girl crazy throughout your entire life, but now suddenly you are not, that is not evidence that you are homosexual. That is evidence that your condition is tearing your sex life apart, but that is only temporary. OCD affects sexuality temporarily and in really strange ways, whereas true sexual orientation is a life long thing.

I don't know if I ever described myself as girl crazy since I've never dated or been close with any. At this point its likely plausible to be either but I was pretty confident that I didn't get hard or have true feelings for any guys throughout high school up until now so its strange. But it seems like I can over porn (but only a little blood flow over gay and like limb but usually eventually erect for lesbian porn though so that scares me) and groinals may be more than groinals since I don't get even that much for girls. (Did I ever? I can't remember now but it has been a while prior to ocd due to other life $#%^ but I seemed okay other than that). Frankly it feels like denial that I just started noticing groinals/"feels" for guys in real life or something.

I did go back to testing with porn more again recently and not helping since it was mostly straight porn with dudes in it that got me going ._.

Perhaps a total reboot is in order but I don't know how that is going to be possible with my orientation being in question by my mind all the time. How have others succeeded in doing this

Now it feels like I get a watery feeling in my mouth too around guys or seeing some. Quite possibly real now

Feels like a never ending nightmare at this point in which it probably isn't and I could just be in denial. I had shown some signs of life for women last attempt but it didn't last or really affect the so called OCD feelings and thoughts much.

I don't know if I can be of any help jdd..since I'm also struggling with all this..there are moments when I believe that I'm in denial as well..and it's "natural" for me to end up with the same sex..but I'm not happy with that thought..not one bit..but it just seemed "natural" and since I thought it would happen..now my mind is trying to convince it would..
All these "attractions" and the things your mind is telling you feels all real..right?? I believe that they are not. Our mind is capable of fooling us and making us believe things that are not true..trust me. Before all this HOCD thing started I've dealt with other anxieties before..this is actually my fourth year dealing with these pesky things. I used to be a hypochondriac (someone who believes to have all the disease in the world)..I was so convince that I had cancer..or an infection in my stomach..or a virus etc.etc. My heart burned like hell..it felt like someone was punching my stomach continuously..my arms and legs ached..I had difficulty breathing..a sharp pain went through my ribs even with the smallest touch..worst of all it felt like someone was choking me and I could feel this huge lump in my throat..everytime I swallowed something I can feel the food bump into it or the water flow over it... But guess what..all that..all those pain..the burns..even the lump were never there in the first place. How do I know?? Back then..even when I was convinced I had tumors..infections..viruses..in the very back of my head I knew I was healthy girl..so one day I decided to ignore it all. Ignore all my pain..ignore what my mind was telling me..ignore everything..and soon enough everything went away. My heart doesn't burn anymore..there's no lump in my throat..my ribs don't hurt..and I learned that because I was so wrapped up in all these symptoms I was reading online..and also because of the stress anxiety my mind made me believe that I was actually hurting everywhere when in reality I was completely fine. Another example of mine is..(and this is by far the weirdest anxiety I ever had) when I thought I was pregnant. I never done "it"..not even close..and yet I was so convinced that I was pregnant that I could see my stomach getting bigger and I could actually feel a baby inside me..a baby!! And this anxiety only lasted for couple weeks!! Again..and obviously..I was not pregnant..I had no baby..my stomach was not getting bigger at all. If a human mind is able to convince someone that she is pregnant..then it is more than capable of making someone believe that he or she is in denial. You have to stay strong..just because you like how a guy looks does not make you gay..just because you are keep being "drawn" to the same sex does not make you gay..guys are probably catching your attention because you're already expecting it..being turned on by the same sex does not make you gay either..if so..then everyone is. You are probably getting t"urned on" because..again..you are thinking about it. Ignore it all. It's not easy I know. Don't react just let it slip by..I know it's hard..trust me..but instead of feeding your HOCD by reacting to it..starve it..just let all these thoughts go. It'll take a while..but it'll go away eventually. For some it took months..others..days..it's depends on the individual..
Oh and remember you are not the only facing this nightmare. ^^