Made Mistake OCD Clinging to it! Hit and Run OCD*TW*!!!

A little longish

So Basically I have not been dealign with OCD very well yet... I started Meds two weeks ago and am waiting for the SSRI's to kick in (takes around a month). My OCD is memory based and my compulsions are mental checking/reviewing (fantasizing what ifs etc) and reassurance. But my OCD has quickly moved on since a mistake I made this weekend.

I have cut out alcohol completely as I have started to use it as a release for the OCD.I don't drink everyday but it seems that when I do I do it to excess to give me relief from the constant swirling thoughts and anxiety that comes with it.

I got a little too drunk and for some reason (being drunk) I drove my van home 4 blocks. I feel awful. I was not blackout drunk as I remember generally the whole night. I drove home at 20km/h carefully. On the way home I hit a pothole (quite large) I knew it was a pothole but my OCD kicked in (and paranoia and alcohol) and I circled back each time (abotu 4 or 5 times) hitting the pothole to make sure it wasn't a person. I have no damage to my car, I don't remember any incident in which I hit somebody and I would know if i hit somebody I am sure. I would be devastated! I checked all police twitter and traffic twitter in my area and there's nothing.

I obviously feel guilt for drinking and driving it's so stupid...i am not myself right now really. But my OCD has taken this and the fact that I was drunk to a very intense level!!!! I woke up this morning with extremely tense muscles/rage at myself and the OCD, I had a big panic attack. On the floor heavy breathing. My mind goes over fantasies of maybe it was a small person, or a homeless person who then crawled to the park and died? Maybe it was somebody who didn't wanna get caught by the police so they hid after I hit them and died. Maybe it was someone who was here illegally and they couldn't be found by authorities and they crawled away and died. I don't know what to do....I have even been tempted to call the police and ask them if there were any hit and runs in that evening..tell them I was drunk and tell them I have OCD. I would rather have a DUI than think that I hit somebody!

This feeling is so intense...my OCD spiked up 4 months ago and if I had done this say last year I would say to myself "That was stupid and very dumb, don't ever do that again" but I wouldn't be affected like this. I am once again having anxiety associated with it thinking my life is ruined, i don't deserve to live my life, etc....

I am not going to committ suicide I know that for sure because I still have to wait for these meds to kick in and would visit/put myself in a psych facility before I would do such a thing.I don't want to die, I want to get better and get back to my life..but right now it seems impossible. I feel so evil and my mind is popping up with the idea to kill myself again just as a suggestion for a break from my mind. But i won't. I know that much....it's just overwhelming.

Will I be able to get out of this one?! Will I come to realization that I KNOW I didn't hit somebody? I know part of OCD is being comfortable with uncertainty and this is my own undoing as I chose foolishly to drive drunk....but this is too much. Or perhaps this is just the consequence of doing so?
The OCD is also on its way to destroying my relationship...I don't know what to do. Any help or suggestions would be great. If not no worries it feels good just to get it out.

hi..

there's nothing to worry about actually, because if you really did so, you would have known that. but unfortunately, ocd and anxiety keep sending the wrong signals that makes you believe you hit somebody, therefore, it makes you feel anxious and panic.

so what i am trying to say is, you have issue which ocd/anxiety makes you think you hit somebody. the issue isn't about whether or not you really hit somebody. if you get what i mean.

but trying to remember what really happened at the time won't help

hang in there. things certainly can get better. although it doesn't seem like that at the moment. but i'm glad you're getting treatment for your ocd. it takes time. and need a little extra willpower besides meds and therapy. and never give up

Does anybody else with this real event type OCD suffer from constantly going over all the possibilities that could have occurred in the given situation (imagining them) over and over again? For example with this Drunk Driving one...I imagine all the possibilities all the what ifs but I ALSO imagine all the consequences and ruminate or picture myself in a Jail Cell, i think about what my mother would think and every aspect of my life that would be affected.

So if the OCD moves on a bit from thinking I actually hit someone with my Van it feels as though it's moving on to obsessively thinking about how I have ruined my life because I drank and drove...even though nobody was hurt.

Do other people also become obsessed with/constantly thinking about what their life would be like if they hadn't made these mistakes, and about their life before the OCD spiked up, and how their "life is ruined"? Also getting intense anxiety fear and anger from these thoughts.

Do people find they get some mental clarity back after treatments? Right now the thing that is frustrating and giving me much sadness is imagining the mental clarity I had before all of this...

I am really struggling here...my mind is constantly telling me i should die for drinking and driving....I don't know if perhaps the Sertraline I am on is doing this or OCD telling me these thoughts....

I am on the road right now far far away from home for work and am just gutted..i have to be on the road for another week and a half or so...

I am not going to harm myself but am just totally freaked out.

What do people do when they are at their worst and can't access a therapist or psych ward? Anybody have any temporary calming methods?

I used to get hit-and-run OCD attacks all the time when I first got my license in high school. They also returned a few times when I moved into a big city.

Recently I thought I messed up really badly at work and I shut myself in my apartment and obsessed over what I did wrong and what consequences I would face. I even thought about how to harm myself to get out of work and not face any 'punishment' I might get. This lasted for a week and it turned out that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I noticed, though, that ever since then, my OCD has spiked. I think that's what happens. Those of us with OCD are ok for a while, but then one incident may cause a complete breakdown.

My therapist gave me a list of ideas to go through during an extreme anxiety attack/OCD breakdown. Since you're traveling on your own at the moment, these questions and thoughts might ease your anxiety (at least a bit):

-What's the evidence for your thought/fear?
-What would you tell a friend with this same situation? (If you heard a friend saying the same things as you, what would be your response?)
-What's the worst that could realistically happen?
-Are you over generalizing from past occurrences?
-Is this situation really in your control? (If not, then don't try to control the problem. That's what your OCD is trying to do. Giving up control can sometimes help.)
-What difference will this situation make next week, month, or year?
-How have I tolerated these situations in the past?
-What advice would a therapist give me regarding this situation?

Hey Scaredy_Cat I'm sorry your OCD has spiked I hope it got better since you posted. And thanks for your reply! I think this is also true. I felt my OCD fading a bit and the obsessive thoughts getting quieter but then this event occurred and it brought all of them back up to the surface. I am now back at home and though this one has subsided an obsession with an event from my past which became obsessive about a month ago has returned and is overtaking my life once again..

I will try and use these bullet points to ease the anxiety that I feel coming back!

ACR88 wrote:Does anybody else with this real event type OCD suffer from constantly going over all the possibilities that could have occurred in the given situation (imagining them) over and over again? For example with this Drunk Driving one...I imagine all the possibilities all the what ifs but I ALSO imagine all the consequences and ruminate or picture myself in a Jail Cell, i think about what my mother would think and every aspect of my life that would be affected.

So if the OCD moves on a bit from thinking I actually hit someone with my Van it feels as though it's moving on to obsessively thinking about how I have ruined my life because I drank and drove...even though nobody was hurt.

Do other people also become obsessed with/constantly thinking about what their life would be like if they hadn't made these mistakes, and about their life before the OCD spiked up, and how their "life is ruined"? Also getting intense anxiety fear and anger from these thoughts.

Do people find they get some mental clarity back after treatments? Right now the thing that is frustrating and giving me much sadness is imagining the mental clarity I had before all of this...

I totally get this. It starts as a small little nagging thought and builds up into something huge. I experienced the same thing with many small nagging thoughts getting blown out of proportion.

It is really hard to stop the process once it starts. Even if I rip myself away from the source of the anxiety it will come up again. I will wish I could go back to that moment, that time and do something different to stop a certain course of events from happening.

You need to remember you still have a life to live and not to let the OCD win by affecting your life too much No matter what happens the thoughts will be gone in days or weeks from when they are at their worst, they are only thoughts after all. Try to think about the future to put things into more perspective.

I have no real advice to give you. Just wanted to say I have the same ocd driving problems too! It sucks!