Paedophile OCD or plain old paedophile? *TW*

Right, let me start with this. I first found these forums about 4 years ago when I was 21 (now 25) at university and my OCD took a dark turn. I had developed paedophile OCD. Intrusive thoughts aplenty, numerous "tests" with mental images checking for a "groinal response". Back then I thought OCD was something quite benign, even light hearted maybe, I certainly didn't think it was causing this.

I believe I type into Google "paranoid about being a paedophile" and threads from this forum popped up. Boy am I glad for the internet and these forums in particular, I can't imagine the depression I would have had if I hadn't found out what I was suffering from.

Once I realised it was OCD I also realised that I had suffered from OCD ever since I was a child, although as a child I didn't know it was OCD. For instance when I was 14 I got really depressed about aids and thought I had caught it from a toilet seat. That lasted months, I even remember talking to my dad about how bad aids was and thinking "If only he knew that I might have it".

And then when my little brother was born I would have visions of him crawling onto the train tracks that run near our house unless I did a specific twitching routine or looked at a certain part of the room several times. And then the thing with checking light switches and plug sockets multiple times to check if they were "safe". So pretty typical OCD compulsions.

Once I added that up it all made sense, I still had good days and bad days with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety over "groinal response" which involves scrutinizing the smallest twitches "down there". That was all fine, I was coping with it.



However, two weeks ago a weird turn of events took place that make me feel like I was an actual paedophile.

It all started when I was watching a movie, (Dead Girl, to be precise http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896534/?ref_=nv_sr_1).

Anyway there is a scene where there is a woman strapped naked to a table. I am aroused by the female form and started masturbating to that. And then looking at her nice spread out breasts I wondered "If you had to do CPR on a woman would you press on her breasts or between them?".

So I Google'd for "CPR on a woman". This weird video in Russian came up called CPR girls (I assumed it meant girls as in young women) showing CPR being practiced on what I now believe (after watching the video back several times) to be an underaged girl, however at the time I just masturbated to it without really paying attention.

It was not until I realised how young she looked that I watched it several times afterwards to "test" myself and I have to say I was genuinely turned on by the girl laid out having CPR practiced on her.

So to break the OCD cycle I decided to not watch the video for two whole weeks and come back to it today to see if I was really aroused by it and it turns out that I am and I masturbated to it again.

As you can imagine, I wish the whole cursed turn of events never ever took place. I estimate the girl to be about 11 (she is flat chested) which is a big problem for me. How could I be turned on by the body of an 11 year old? I am attracted to women, not children! If she was 15 or even 13 I wouldn't have been too concerned because at least it makes biological sense. I will never be able to find out how old she was. And why o why does it have to be some obscure Russian video?

Here is the video:

*mod edit*

She definitely looks under 18 but I want to know if she could be 15,14 or even 13. You can see the comment I posted underneath the video in a desperate attempt to find her age out, too bad no one will probably ever answer.

I am aroused visually, when she is laid out for the CPR, her long legs, hips, her smooth stomach, her ribs, the outline of the vagina through her swimwear (very noticeable at several points in the video). These are all things that a woman has and that would arouse me on a woman. They are the attributes that would catch my eye. Somebody (potentially) that underaged shouldn't have those attributes and if they didn't I wouldn't be aroused.

When I first watched it I thought they were a couple of skinny women and I thought the video was some sort of sexualised Russian parody, I really had no idea. I mean, for crying out loud, why did I have to find this video!? I could have done without this in life.

I am shy to start with, with intrusive thoughts I always used to think "what if the people I am talking to right now knew about the thoughts I have" and now I have to think "What if the people right now knew that I masturbated to a girl having CPR practiced on her who could have been as young as 11".

During the last two weeks my anxiety and intrusive thoughts dropped considerably, this whole episode has the effect of intrusive thoughts "on steroids" so to speak. But the problem is that I am still aroused by that video and I don't know how old that girl is and probably never will.

This problem that I now have constantly bothering me in the back of my mind is really hard to explain, let alone get treatment for. Not that I think I am ready for that step anyway. Even posting on this forum was a big step. I know reassurance isn't the way to defeat OCD.

The best thing that could happen in this situation is to find out how old that girl is/was when the video was taken and for her to be, say, 15 just flat chested or even as young as 13, then I wouldn't be too bothered. But the thought of her being not even a teenager is just too much to bear.

I have read quite a lot of threads on here and they are interesting, I am very glad somewhere like this exists and I appreciate it. However, I have signed up with a one use email account which I just want to let people know if they want to contact me for help or anything to PM me on this forum because the email account will not be checked. Indeed, my forum account will go dormant after this thread and replying to it a few times, I really appreciate what you guys do here but I just want to get on with my life, I feel like the OCD is winning the more time I worry about this kind of thing, I am sure you guys can understand.

I hope somebody has the patience to read this long and crazy thread.

I moved this to the OCD forum, where it is better suited - and added a Trigger Warning.

Well it's been a week since I posted her and it looks like being muddled up with all the other POCD threads that it has been overlooked And that probably most people browse these boards as guests, understandably not wanting to associate with these kinds of health issues. Not to mention the huge wall of text necessary to explain the whole background of my issues before even beginning on the main issue itself.

I feel like my paedophilia is like Schrödinger's cat. If I don't look for it, it is both there and not there at the same time. Children do not interest me in the slightest. However, I know I am aroused by the girl in the video. I don't know how old she is but my OCD makes me think the worst possible scenario, that she could be 11. I have no desire to watch the video though. I only watched it last week because I forced myself to watch it. But if I do watch it I am aroused by the girl. What the hell does this all even mean!? This has to be the craziest and most obscure thread on these boards by a large margin.

The fact that the video is in Russian really doesn't help. I wish I could turn back time and have never ever seen that stupid video. If just one thing, one thing in the course of events I had described in my original post had been different I would probably have never seen the god darned video in the first place.

Interestingly, in the three weeks since "the incident" as I call these things, my intrusive thoughts have decreased rapidly now I have a "real" problem to worry about. Children don't occupy my thoughts at all, so how could I be a paedophile!? That is an insane and paranoid thought that I am. Yet I am aroused by a video of what is clearly a girl having CPR performed on her I was searching for videos with women having CPR performed on them because I wanted to see if you are supposed to press down on their breast or not.

I want to get on with my life but how can I be okay with getting aroused to an 11 year old's body!? If I don't think about it I feel normal, but it happened and is in the past so without a time machine I can't undo it. Well that's it for my crazed ramblings and I will check back to see if anyone has any thoughts on this. Maybe I will make a post in the paraphilia's forum as well to see if they have any thoughts on the incident.

If you post in Paraphilias they are likely to be very supportive in terms of being a paedophile. That's the intent of that part of the forum. Healthy acceptance of a totally different issue. I'd recommend staying here since I agree with Otter. This is a much more appropriate place for your post.

People with paedophilia would have noticed the age of the girl in the video first. And fapped second. You did it the other way round. I know reassurance doesn't make any difference. But anyway. Not a paedophile.

Please, please don't ever watch that video again. By "testing" yourself, I think you might be building an association between fear and arousal. There's scientific studies about people without OCD confusing the two. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattribution_of_arousal For people WITH OCD it's much worse. Groinal arousal isn't just a partial detail. It becomes an all encompassing obsession. And the more anxiety, the more potential to misread it as arousal.


I'm confused, though. You've dealt with various kinds of OCD in the past. That's not easy to get through. But you've done it. How come this fear has got past your defences? I don't mean to trigger a wave of "perhaps it's not OCD." That would be highly crap! Is it to do with the possibility of finding out her age for a fact? And then that somehow "gives evidence" to the POCD? Or maybe seasonal stress? Or something else? I only ask because if there's a pattern. Picking it out might help bullet proof you against other OCD side swipes.

Hi Ada, thank you for taking the time to respond to my crazy thread I spent too long on the last post and the forum logged me out, so I have just lost a big long reply

I understand from what you are saying that the paraphilia's forum would not have been ideal for this thread, thanks for explaining.

I know about the dangers of falling into the "testing" trap and rest assured I know it is not worth it. The motivation for my testing would be that watching the video and managing not to get aroused would "undo" the previous incidents and somehow clear me of my "sins". But I know that doesn't make sense, I was aroused by the girl the video.

After watching that video I felt like I had crossed a point of no return, the proof was there that I was a paedophile after all.

I have had the "groinal response" fear with intrusive thoughts, although I have never felt fully aroused, like I did when I watched that video. Of course watching one video depicting a young girl and feeling aroused to it doesn't make me a paedophile, but it feels like it somehow does.

In regards to you're question about me dealing with various kinds of OCD in the past, yes, I have. The thought of being a monster myself is probably my worst fear, rather than anything happening to me or even people I care about. I just can't be okay with the thought of being a sort of monster, of having some dark secret, that isolates me from other people. I just want to feel like a normal guy.

Since the beginning of the POCD when I was 21 four years ago, I have had a fear of getting absolute indisputable proof that I am a paedophile and to me that is what this video is. That girl could have been 11 or 12, not even a teenager which wouldn't bother me too much.

This video has overwhelmed my usual defence because it Is the definite proof as far as I can tell. I feel like before watching it I was a man struggling with OCD, now afterwards finding I was aroused by the video I am a paedophile.

I dealt with intrusive thoughts in the past by searching for threads on this forum and others about people suffering from intrusive thoughts and I was fine with that, I could cope by reading off the list of symptoms and tell myself "Yep, that is exactly what I am suffering from at this very moment".

But a month ago today (two weeks since I made the thread though) I watched a video on Youtube, in Russian, depicting a girl of 11 or 12 receiving CPR in a bikini and got aroused by it, no matter how many times I watched it. Something about her lying down, I am aroused by women lying down, yet when this girl was lying down for the CPR it seemed to arouse me, even though she was probably 11 or 12. Her body, I don't know, it was as though she had the same proportions as a woman just on a smaller scale, apart from the lack of breasts.

If I found out she was 14 or even 13 that would help although she would have had more breast tissue at those ages. She would be pretty underdeveloped even if she was a teenager.

I know I need to get over this, I have a life to live, but I am looking for some sort of resolution or closure, but to be honest I don't think that is possible.

There is nothing, short of finding out she was in her early teens (still not ideal but better than 11 or 12) that could make me feel better. And if she was 11 or 12 then I guess I would feel the same way as I do now, but unless we have any Russian speakers I doubt I will ever know.

The problem is this effects me, if I am going for a job interview, what if the interviewer knew I was aroused by an 11 or 12 year old girl? What would he think of me, would he want to kill me right on the spot? These are the kind of questions that this type of incident throws up, which is one of many reasons why I wish I could undo it. One incident, lots of questions, no answers.

If it never happened I would have not posted this thread and would have just been dealing with "good old" intrusive thoughts right now, which I had been coping with just fine.

Thanks for reading and helping some crazy guy out. I know some people might suggest I seek professional help but I don't want people to know about my OCD, it is so complicated to explain and I don't want to mental health stigma. Sometimes it feels fine, I feel normal, OCD is just not there, other times I get such a sense of dread that I feel like I might suffer from a mental breakdown. It is the times I feel fine that make me not want to seek help and get through the tough times as best I can.

It feels as though just as I was getting a handle on the OCD and intrusive thoughts, life throws a curve ball into the mix, in the form of an obscure Russian Youtube video featuring an 11 or 12 year old in a bikini, having CPR performed on her! How crazy, you couldn't make it up!

The problem is this effects me, if I am going for a job interview, what if the interviewer knew I was aroused by an 11 or 12 year old girl?

Mercifully, mind reading doesn't happen. And they won't ask about your attractions. Not least because you can't know if THEY are aroused by children. It's possible. Or instead. They might be turned on by soft toys, pool inflatables or revving engines. To list a few at random from the Fetishes forum. There's no reason for anyone to ask anyone else about their sex life during an interview. Or come even close to it. [Unless you're interviewing as a porn actor. In which case it'd be a fair thing to raise.]

You're right that you aren't going to get closure here. OCD doesn't pick subjects that are provable. I've never seen it trying to convince people that gravity doesn't exist. Or that they can breathe underwater. It homes in on the uncertain. And if "proof" is somehow found anyway. Then the OCD just shifts to a new target. Usually picking holes in that proof. Or onto something else entirely. Like the hypothetical job interview

I would rather that the "dirt" on me didn't exist in the first place, that I never saw that video. I feel as though this taints everything I do, if I do well at something or get a gift that should make me happy this sucks the enjoyment out of the occasion, leaving me feeling empty. It is sometimes in the back of my mind teasing me, making me feel guilty about when I watched that video and got turned on by the girl. Due to the nature of this problem I will probably post here until I feel I can finally "let in go" maybe in a couple of months time One thing I do know with intrusive thoughts is that the passage of time does help me to get over them, but this incident is like an intrusive thought on steroids really. I could really have done without this in life. I don't know what those Russians were thinking making such a video

Well I got a Russian gaming friend to translate the video and in the video it does not state her age. So I will never know

Although he did estimate her being around 14, but that is just an estimate, not proof. If she was 14 then it wouldn't be too bad although I would have been more comfortable if she had breasts rather than being flat chested.

I still feel that I can only move on by watching the video all the way through without getting aroused by it. I don't see how I could be aroused by somebody so skinny without breasts. Although maybe she was still getting that smooth feminine shape to her even if she didn't have breasts yet. But she was still really skinny. I don't know.

Sorry about the wall of text in my OP where I got carried away with going into the background, but you had to know that to know that this was the worst possible thing that could have happened given the scenario. I still don't know how I can let a video force me to sign up to a forum and then put so much effort into writing all of this utter crap! It's a video FFS, get a grip! I didn't want to feel aroused by it but I was so there was nothing I could do. And it didn't say how old the girl was in the end anyway. So now I need to move on from this incident. I don't want to waste any more time on that stupid video, but I still have feelings of guilt and regret. I can't let this pop into my head at critical times. That is the worst thing. Feeling like I have a dark secret now that I can't get rid of. It has happened and I can't change that. That is the reason I fear such incidents, the aftermath is very hard to deal with.

ParanoidMan wrote:I still feel that I can only move on by watching the video all the way through without getting aroused by it.

Don't. That's your OCD lying to you. It wouldn't stop at watching it all the way through. There'd be escalation of the tests. Until you fail. And then that's "proof" according to the OCD. Fool's game, seriously. Try not to get sucked in.

Hi,

Your pocd sounds like mine. With me it started after watching a video. Its been almost a year and half since it happened. I too wondered if I was a pedophile when I watched this video. I was looking for answers by watching it over and over again. I sought professional help and was prescribed sertraline 150mg (its an antidepressant.) This med helped my anxiety by a lot. My Pocd was so bad that I lost my job and almost didnt graduate. Now I don't care two $#%^ about attraction or anything. I just couldn't care less now. Please stop watching that video because it means nothing. I'm telling you this because I went through the same exact thing. Let it go. Its just ocd. Go get treated and stop worrying about it.