Paedophile OCD or plain old paedophile? *TW*

Hello bud, thanks for the help. I have often told myself that I worry too much. I too have felt like I should stop worrying, when I just think "###$ it, I'm a paedophile" I realise that I am actually not and the whole idea is crazy. Because my everyday habits don't correspond to it. And when I actually have that "acceptance" my intrusive thoughts practically disappear as well.

What you say about losing you're job is worrying, the thought that OCD can cause an effect on real life to me is as though the OCD is "winning" and I don't like the thought of that. Sometimes it has made me feel very depressed but I have forced myself to go into work, albeit I only work part time. It must have been really rough for you losing you're job due to stupid OCD

As for getting treatment, it would have to get really bad for me to do that. So far I have had days where I feel in a depressed state the whole day yet still get on with what I need to do. I just don't want medication at all, I don't want to be reliant up on that.

What worried me about this video was getting an erection whilst watching it, I have never had that conclusive proof before. Perhaps this video itself was one of life's tests, the circumstances leading to me finding it are very obscure. Maybe this will make me care less about my paranoia. The thing this video has taught me is not to "attach significance" to feelings of arousal, the whole situation is artificial, the whole scenario has been fabricated by my paranoia.

It still makes me feel bad when talking to people remembering that I watched this video and got aroused by it. Like what would they think if they knew? If she was a teenager like my Russian friend estimated I wouldn't mind too much, but I will never know for certain. She could have been 12 How bad would that be to get aroused to a 12 year old!? That is the only thing that bothers me about this now, the aftermath of dealing with the consequences and what it means. Well yeah it is meaningless for the reasons that you have stated and that I have stated but it still feels as though there might be even the slightest significance to events.

Thanks very much for you're help

I have been thinking about this "incident" more recently. I don't really know what to make of it. There are so many different things I could have done that would have led to me not coming across that video, yet it caused me so much pain and anxiety. It seemed some of her features looked more mature than others, it might have confused my brain, I don't know. I was physically aroused whilst watching the video, even though I didn't want to have that result. The trouble is I don't know how to really get closure from this, apart from wishing I never saw it which is impossible. With intrusive thoughts I can categorize them as intrusive thoughts, this incident seems more difficult to deal with. Part of my OCD is posting here I guess. Don't feel compelled to reply, I am just getting this off my chest

I must admit I have been getting the compulsion to revisit this stupid video, I wish it could just be removed from Youtube, but then my OCD would fixate on something else.

Instead of revisiting this video at the moment my compulsion is to come here and post, which is not good at all, just replacing one compulsion with another.

I do not want to waste my time dealing with OCD, I want to live my life independent from it. I was just thinking about viewing the video maybe once and seeing if the anxiety has gone away and that I won't be afraid of being aroused by it.

But I know that "once" will become "twice" and then "three times" and so on. At the moment I have Googled up "fighting compulsions" which is getting my mind off it but the mind set I am in right now is telling me to go back and watch the video through, even in bits, to get final closure.

A very dangerous concept I know.

I can safely say you aren't a pedophile. For one pedophiles do not deny, fear, or doubt that they are pedophiles. They know. You're questiong and fear means that you are not one.

As someone who has dealt with POCD and is still dealing with it, I can confirm I am going through the same things you are. I even worry about porn I have viewed in the past. However, no matter how much you think you are aroused by the video, it is safe to say you are not. For one, you need to enjoy arousal for it to be actual arousal. You are disgusted that it might be a child, the only thing that makes you even think you are aroused is because you are having groinal responses towards the video. Thse are common and are triggered by two things.

A) Groinal Response triggered by anxiety.
B) Groinal Response triggered by seeing something in a sexual nature, which is not arousal, but only due to the fact that the brain is comprehending a sexual situation.

Sometimes the two combined can play into it. I also want to state that because you have POCD, it may be likley the only reason you think she is 11 is because of your OCD. There are many small women who are 18, some who look much younger than they are. Petite girls are not uncommon you know. Now I didn't watch the video due to my own POCD, but I'm sure she wasn't underage. That kind of content gets taken down by youtube very quickly.

Hi can someone please read my post its under pocd and groinal repose it's realg long and won't let me copy and paste! Please someone help me xx

I can safely say you aren't a pedophile. For one pedophiles do not deny, fear, or doubt that they are pedophiles. They know. You're questioning and fear means that you are not one.

As someone who has dealt with POCD and is still dealing with it, I can confirm I am going through the same things you are. I even worry about porn I have viewed in the past. However, no matter how much you think you are aroused by the video, it is safe to say you are not. For one, you need to enjoy arousal for it to be actual arousal. You are disgusted that it might be a child, the only thing that makes you even think you are aroused is because you are having groinal responses towards the video. Thse are common and are triggered by two things.

A) Groinal Response triggered by anxiety.
B) Groinal Response triggered by seeing something in a sexual nature, which is not arousal, but only due to the fact that the brain is comprehending a sexual situation.

Sometimes the two combined can play into it. I also want to state that because you have POCD, it may be likely the only reason you think she is 11 is because of your OCD. There are many small women who are 18, some who look much younger than they are. Petite girls are not uncommon you know. Now I didn't watch the video due to my own POCD, but I'm sure she wasn't underage. That kind of content gets taken down by youtube very quickly.

kingblaze, thanks for your reassurance. The video itself is quite a strange CPR video, but shot with a couple of girls in bikinis and is narrated by an adult. As it is a CPR video not of a sexual nature there would be no reason for Youtube to take it down if the girls were under 18. Unfortunately the content that triggers my OCD seems to be of an ambiguous nature. At least one of them is definitely underage but what would bother me mostly is if she was under teenage, not just under 18.

I went to the lengths of getting a Russian gaming friend to translate it for me and he said her age is not specified but he said she looked about 14 which whilst not ideal does put my mind at rest a bit because that is at least teenage.

I actually logged in because I haven't had intrusive thoughts for quite a few days and that was actually causing me some anxiety ironically. I am not quite sure what causes my OCD to flair up and that worries me, I don't like not knowing, it makes me vulnerable. Like when I go for a few days without feeling anxious I get the feeling it is "the calm before the storm" and that in itself makes me anxious, ridiculous I know

Also it really don't think no matter how many reassurances I get that I can be cured of this. It is the anxiety that starts giving me the nagging feeling of there being this darkness inside me that needs finding and exposing, hence my quest for "evidence" when my OCD gets really out of control.

Before I found that video I was coping with intrusive thoughts just fine, that video came along and really made me have to seek help.

The danger I see here is building up that video to be a major thing, instead of that I need to change my mind set and see it as a waste of time, like "why the hell would I want to waste nearly four minutes of my life watching that video" sort of thing. Rather than "If I watch that video and get an erection I am a paedophile and my life is over". The importance of the video, the significance of it needs to be reduced. Not just for this video though, for all things. I need to stop attaching significance to everything.

Thanks a lot for your post bud. Also as a side note, one thing I find that really helps with my OCD is human interaction. For people who spend a lot of time alone like me it is as though talking and interacting with other people is like looking in a mirror, but mentally. When you are alone for long periods of time you don't get that "reflection" of your true self so it starts making you paranoid about stuff.

Lastly, Sunny_10 I replied to your post in someone else's thread. I assume the forum software isn't letting you post your own threads due to your post count, although I only recently registered to seek help and had no such issues so I don't know why that would be. Hope it helps you out.

Can someone change the thread title to something like "Aroused by video with under aged girl in it" rather than the current not very descriptive title?

I have been experiencing some anxiety related to this little incident again. I really seemed to get aroused when I watched this video, I had an erection. If an erection isn't a sign of arousal then what is!?

I don't understand how one incident could define my sexuality. I didn't want to find that video at all. I don't look for stuff like that, surely a paedophile would be constantly seeking out such things? But I am just worrying about this one particular video.

Additionally it is of little help that the video is so obscure and in a foreign language. So typical of my luck. I try to stop myself from watching it by telling myself that it is a waste of my time but I think if I could watch it just once without getting the undesired erection I would be free to continue with my life. But then surely not watching it at all would be a better idea in the first place?

I have been thinking about this little secret and how in a social situation I think "Remember that time you got an erection whilst watching that CPR girls video? What if who you were talking to right now knew that? They would want to kill you on the spot".

Well these last five days have been very strange.

I have been having major depression over the video. I have still been able to function normally, however this incident is always in the background. Nothing has happened to retrigger the feelings.

I have been having flashbacks of the video and trying to determine the girl's age from those flashbacks, even though I haven't watched the video, but I feel like I must do for "closure". I think the girl could have been as young as 11, she is very skinny.

So yeah, for no reason at all I seem to be back where I started when I made this thread. I feel like the only way I can move on is to watch the video and not get aroused to it, but that is putting the emphasis on the wrong thing.

The only positive about this incident is that it seems to have stopped intrusive thoughts, I haven't had any for the last week it seems. Everything is just focused around this video and I don't know why.

Well after a week of relapsing over this and feeling very depressed I seem to have got over it. I felt as bad last week as if I had watched the videos again, although I didn't. It would have made no difference; I was still severely depressed. When I was depressed over this my intrusive thoughts had practically disappeared since my OCD was focusing solely on this. Now that I seem to be over this my intrusive thoughts have cranked back up. And what worries me is that all I have to do is watch that video again and then I will be right back where I started. I want to watch it to prove to myself that I am not aroused by it. But I know that is a bad idea.

This has been playing on my mind again