Possible HOCD?

I have to admit. When you said about the class and watching gay porn. My jaw did drop. How any teacher thought that could be appropriate. Is totally beyond me.

But I think if it hadn't been that. There'd've been some other trigger. Or you'd have ended up with POCD. Or ROCD. Or whatever. This isn't something you "caused" by going to that class. As far as we know, no one else in the class got triggered in the same way. So there wasn't anything specific in the class to cause this. Just the universe showering down some crap.

Yeah, I think that professor was a creep. What I mean about the class is how in the beginning, gay porn didn't affect me in any way. Then they started saying how we are all bisexual, we are taught to be straight and like women, etc. And those things stuck with me. Then after THAT I had seen the image of a naked man's butt and felt my first anxiety or worry of being bisexual.

I wonder if I had been affected by those words students were saying. I had not forgotten them all this time and, shortly before my HOCD developed in full, they were still sitting there on my mind. I would be on the category section of pornhub and worry about whether or not I would like gay porn if I watched, but never clicked on it until two months ago.

If I never heard, "we are all bisexual," "we are taught to be straight," etc... I probably wouldn't have HOCD and I probably wouldn't have freaked when I saw the naked man in class. If I was into men, wouldn't I have liked that first hardcore gay porn I watched at the beginning of the class? Heck, there was a guy who always stared and smiled at me that whole semester... never made me feel good like when a girl does that.

So instead of HOCD, it would be POCD. Or obsessing over something else. I feel like I would take anything else over this. This HOCD is horrible.

I don't know if there's a scale of awfulness for pure O.

post1450771.html#p1450771 Describes the effect of variety. It also has a really nice quote that a couple of people highlight. Might help a tiny bit. [And only mentions HOCD by name. The rest of the thread is POCD and Harm OCD. So hopefully it won't cause a spike.]

HopeLite wrote:Also, thank you for being so patient with me. Other people have called me annoying.

I think that's the wrong way round. You're being very patient with me. Given that I haven't had the same experience. And so am asking lots of questions.

Wow, that poor guy. I remember going through some harm ocd (though it never went too far) where I had thoughts of doing horrific things to my girlfriend: burning her, breaking her neck, etc. These things were just terrible to think of, and I started to believe that I really wanted to hurt her. When holding a pot of boiling water, I had to feel like I had to struggle not to throw it on her. I really began to believe I was a psychopath killer in denial. It just didn't go as far as my HOCD.

That guy says he is starting to believe he has an urge to strangle his son, even though he loves him. I feel like I can relate with my hocd. I'm really starting to believe that I want to have sex with men and masturbate to them. When I see men on the street and notice their butts, I'm starting to feel no different from when I look at women. It's like I've gotten used to the thoughts and accepted that I'm bi. And I feel numb. But I don't like it.. I still don't want to be bisexual inside. I'm so confused and my mind is in a fog... I almost prefer freaking out every time I see a man's butt and slapping my head.

I read somewhere that in order to have HOCD, you have to fear being 100% gay. Can't I have HOCD and fear being bisexual?!

My goodness... I'm feeling so numb. I am not feeling anxiety and I hate it! I kept seeing men wearing tight pants on the street and saying, "why is that any different from when you look at a woman's butt? You know you enjoy looking at them equally." This is horrible... I am actually starting to believe I am bisexual and that I like men.

I did come across this article and I think this explains a lot:

http://www.academia.edu/4075725/Problem ... sis_of_OCD

HopeLite wrote:I read somewhere that in order to have HOCD, you have to fear being 100% gay. Can't I have HOCD and fear being bisexual?!

My goodness... I'm feeling so numb. I am not feeling anxiety and I hate it! I kept seeing men wearing tight pants on the street and saying, "why is that any different from when you look at a woman's butt? You know you enjoy looking at them equally." This is horrible... I am actually starting to believe I am bisexual and that I like men.

I did come across this article and I think this explains a lot:

http://www.academia.edu/4075725/Problem ... sis_of_OCD

OMG: Thank you so much for that article. The numbness part of it was so revealing... I had never found any link between that in my countless years of google searching! I think that explains why I've never actually developed any crushes/feelings for anyone, since at the time I started masturbating (around 11) my harm OCD was starting to become insanely high and I could start noticing numbness already.
As for you. Some people above have probably already mentioned it, but if you really were bisexual you wouldn't be scared of it. You seem to feel like there's a problem in being bisexual, which I'm pretty sure a real bisexual would have no issue with. I feel like you're at a point you are already certain you have OCD, yet you're starting to believe you have developed a sexual attraction for males. Let me tell you, that's not possible. You either are or are not bisexual, you don't become one.

OMG: Thank you so much for that article. The numbness part of it was so revealing... I had never found any link between that in my countless years of google searching! I think that explains why I've never actually developed any crushes/feelings for anyone, since at the time I started masturbating (around 11) my harm OCD was starting to become insanely high and I could start noticing numbness already.

No problem, friend. Glad it helped. When I started feeling numb to my thoughts, I seriously started to freak out. But apparently numbness is a HUGE part of all types of OCD.

As for you. Some people above have probably already mentioned it, but if you really were bisexual you wouldn't be scared of it. You seem to feel like there's a problem in being bisexual, which I'm pretty sure a real bisexual would have no issue with. I feel like you're at a point you are already certain you have OCD, yet you're starting to believe you have developed a sexual attraction for males. Let me tell you, that's not possible. You either are or are not bisexual, you don't become one.

There are moments where I stop being scared and start to believe I'm bisexual, but I think that goes back to the whole numbness thing. I imagine when people find out they are bisexual, this usually happens at a younger age and it's more "freeing" for them. For me, believing I'm bisexual makes me feel more imprisoned. Bisexuals usually discover something new about their sexuality and they can explore themselves further, and most of the fear revolves around how society will judge them. Why would I suddenly find out I'm bisexual at age 22 (or 20 if you count my first isolated fear of being bisexual in my LGBT class)?

I was diagnosed with OCD and it's very clear that I've had it for a long time. Part of my fear comes from things people would say at my college, one of them being how "sexualities can change and are fluid," and that stuck with me for a couple of years. But in reality, with our understanding of sexuality, it is NOT fluid and does NOT change.

You are who you are and psychologists agree that sexuality is fixed. If it was as fluid as some people claim then those "pray the gay away" camps would work on people. Homosexuals would leave these camps as heterosexuals and that would be that, but we know that's not true. As you said, "You cannot turn bisexual." The problem is when I say that, my OCD comes in and tries to look for things in my past to make me prove that I've always been bisexual. It's a nightmare.

This doesn't end. I keep seeing men and looking at their butts to see if I like it, whether it's on TV or on the street. I am at the point where I literally see no difference from women's butts. And then I say, what if I really am bisexual? Maybe I like men and women both equally. But I feel... numb to it. I'm not panicking or full of anxiety. I know inside I don't want to be bisexual and I feel down. I Start to believe my fear is actually real and I feel like I'm accepting it. But then another voice comes in and says, "no, that's the OCD tricking you! You are feeling exhausted from panicking all the damn time! Your feelings haven't actually changed, you are just getting used to the thoughts."

Is that normal? Everything feels so distorted. I pointed out a man's butt on TV that was bothering me, and my girlfriend said, "so what? That's a usual man's butt and doesn't look anything like a woman's... you are starting to see things that aren't really there." And I think this may be true...

Let me explain the butt thing a little more:

It's not that I literally think men's and women's butts look the same. But I'm at the point where if I see a man's butt, my mind is telling me that I should like it. And that there isn't enough of a difference between a guy's butt and a woman's butt for me to only like one or the other. So when I see a guy and he's wearing tight pants or something, I start to say, "wait, if that was on a woman I would probably like it... AGHHH!" Or then I start thinking that men's butts are more "perfect" and probably better than women's butts. I don't know what to say and my mind does feel very foggy and distorted.

I remember someone online saying that men and women's butts are too similar and that any guy who considers himself to be a "butt man" is at least bisexual.

I just keep remembering this gay guy walking down the block wearing tight pants and his butt was ginormous... I'm terrified and I can't figure out if I like it. I've seen similar things in the past but always said, "eww... I don't want to picture a guy with a big butt." Now I see it as, "if you only saw the bottom half of that person, you'd like it. You only force yourself to dislike it because it's a guy."

-- Mon Jan 19, 2015 10:12 am --

I remember waking up one morning and I saw my roommate standing up naked. He is a really fit African-American guy and he, for some reason, likes to do naked squats in the room while his roommates are asleep. I just saw his bare butt and went, "eww!" and quickly turned around and dug my face in the pillow. I wasn't excited or aroused in any way, just kind of grossed out that I saw my roommate's butt. This happened 3 years ago btw when I was about 19 years old.

I'm pretty sure I had no desire to see him naked, and I never fantasized or thought about it afterwards. Sometimes the image of him naked popped into my head and I found it to be undesirable. This guy was in perfect shape, so I imagine that if I was bisexual, this would have sparked some kind of interest, wouldn't it? But then my OCD comes in and says, "Nah you liked it. You don't always like girls the first time you see them naked on TV." Now I keep picturing myself having sex with him and it bothers me... and in certain cases I felt something between my legs.

even i used to have those thoughts and let them be. its like if you have a dream of having a machine gun or shooting people. or when you are playing video game, you are enjoying the thrill of killing mutant plants/zombies.

our thoughts are outputs of what our senses feed them. if you spend your life in sea, you will have thougts of water. if you spend all your life playing video game, you will have those thoughts.

accept the thoughts. dont act on them. its like if you are studying and the neighbor plays large music then you get the thought of fighting with him. it doesnt mean you'll go and fight. or you're watching football and your team does own goal. you will hurl abuses as him. it doesnt mean you'll actually kill him. it doesnt make you a killer.

when you see a nobel prize being awarded, or when you think of being super rich n buying a mercedez, it doesnt make you super rich.

let the thought be there. dont control it. dont label it as ugly, maybe unhealthy but not ugly.

when the leg is broken, we dont hate the leg. so if the brain is having thoughts we arent comfortable with, then we mustnt blame the head/thoughts.

accept them as they are and do other things. like visuazlie the thought as ugly furniture of the house. speak with the thought that 'its ok that you're here but i have other things to do. or let's listen to some calm music together.'