To give you a short background I have had ocd for basically my whole life. i only really remember it starting in grade 4. I was raised and am religious with strong morals. I am just graduated now. It was only this year that I got in to see a therapist and was diagnosed properly. It was mostly things other than intrusive thoughts, like touching or counting and the list could go on for ages, but I still got thoughts too. Anyway those are a different story, my main concern is what I am dealing with right now. I have suddenly had a huge explosion of relationship/cheating ocd, this has been the worst episode of ocd I have ever had.
I have been in my first serious relationship for 7 months. Everything was perfect until i started obsessing over events and thoughts. Here's a list one by one:
The first thing that triggered everything else was one night my boyfriend had asked me about if i check out other guys. I replied no of course not! he said he didn't check out other girls. As I was falling asleep that night I started obsessing over if I had looked at any guy, thought they were attractive and why I had done that and what it meant. I felt excessive guilt! I had to tell my boyfriend about this in the morning. He understood and said everyone looks at people and thinks if they're attractive or not. but my brain kept racing wondering if I would notice guys in the street even when I was with my bf or wanted guys to think I was attractive! I then NEEDED to tell my boyfriend about a past party. I told him about it over a course of weeks because I kept getting more and more ocd thoughts. This party was almost 4 months into dating my boyfriend. This was my first time being drunk at a party without my boyfriend and I trusted myself completely. At the party I remember not having a lot of close friends there. I was in a hot tub with all guys and they were complimenting me a lot. I remember saying how I had a boyfriend and I think I said other things along that line. My ex boyfriend, who really was just a guy I barely knew yet "dated" for 3 days. I thought he was serious, decided he seemed like a dbag (which i still think he is) and was told lies about him that supported this or something, I don't even remember,I I wanted to end it and he didn't and then I didn't but he did and we kind of ended it on a weird note. I got over this eventually and realized he wasn't right for me anyway. ANYWAY. At this party he wanted to talk and have closure as he said. I said okay we can have closure. we talked and he tried to put his hand on my leg a few times in the hot tub and I moved away each time he did! All I remember is that we talked about what happened between us and things we were confused about, and I remember saying I have a boyfriend who treats me better than any other guy could, that loves me or I love him (i think i said that) or something like you've had your chance or something. I also remember him telling the guy who lied to me WHYD U LIE MAN and I wa slike YEA WHYD U LIE which gave me ocd thoughts in the present (months later) saying why did you say that does that mean you wanted to be with this ex?! I remember him saying stuff bout how he wishes he could not be so focused on sex and stuff and we talked about this other girl he was interested in and i was joking around about how she had a girlfriend and he was a douche for going agfter a girl with a girlfriend and for some reason this is all making me feel guilty! Anyways I hung out with him quite a bit at this party.(not the whole time) I don't know if it was cause I liked the attention I felt from it or what. I remember he pushed me in the pool so I slapped him. also we hugged later for like 10 seconds cause he asked if we could "hug it out" as friends. Later we were in the bathroom together i was just brushing my hair and he was just standing there and I KNOW nothing happened. Later we wanted a place to sleep and he said over here and we went to a room and we laid on the floor not touching. then we had to move to somewhere else so he said over here and it was a pull out couch that a couple was on. we went there I remember feeling uncomfortable and we weren't touching but I remember him trying to touch my hand a few times. I remember wanting to move but I DONT KNOW WHY I DIDNT i think i was about to but my friend came up to me and said you have a boyfriend lets move and I did and i had a rush of anxiety about if i had done something wrong and my friend told me no so i felt kinda better. I couldn't really sleep the whole night cause i felt like i had done something wrong. I don't know what happened after this party but it never really bugged me. I remember telling my bf how I felt uncomfortable at the hot tub where guys were complimenting me but idk if I told him anything else. I also vaguely remember being at work and texting my friend about this ex and how I felt confused because he was being so nice at the party and saying sorry but I love my boyfriend (i also get this thought that i have a memory of saying that but not being sure about it) and I would NOT date this ex. and I wouldn't have! I got reassurance from my friend cause I don't remember the whole convo and she said we concluded it was unresolved feelings that were pointless and I love my boyfriend and stuff. I also remember my ex messaging me a week later saying he was still sorry and I said that's good and we had a convo the rest of the day that was literally about stupid stuff nothing important at all. I honestly think my brain is overthinking all of this. I started getting these thoughts about "what if you felt like kissing him t the party?!" "what if you didn't want to move off the couch?!" "Did you like him while dating your boyfriend?!" "Why did you hangout with him so much at the party?!" "why'd you put yourself in that position?!" "Why'd you get a bit excited when you heard he was gonna be at the party?!" and id try to fight back with things like oh I just wanted him to be jealous or I just liked the attention! and I started feeling EXTREME guilt about how I could EVER have thought these thoughts and I started thinking about the school year and how I would notice if he was in class or if he looked at me or if i wanted him to look at me then i start feeling like a TERRIBLE person and it makes me feel like i was cheating on my boyfriend and i told him everything and he was confused and didnt understand my ocd and said "all im worried about is if you did something while you were drunk" i never even got that drunk and i got SO worried about that even though i KNOW i didn't I wouldn't have because I loved him! even though my ocd will tell me "what if you didn't love your bf back then" "what if you were considering your ex how could you?!?!"
IT MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE! I even had to ask this ex for reassurance nothing happened and he said I shouldn't worry.
We have talked about this and it is now in the past but I still get guilt feelings.
I also felt guilty over kissing a guy on new years. the first time I hung out with my boyfriend was the day before! He asked me to be his girlfriend 19 days later. I thought that was fast because I wasn't sure if I felt as strongly but I knew I liked him I was just scared and unsure but I went for it anyways and now typing this I feel guilty! I wouldn't have gone out with him if I didn't like him I just felt he asked me to be his gf very fast. and I've been having major guilt about if I didn't feel as strongly for him right away and the kissing a guy on new years I thought how could I ever do that the day after hanging out with an amazing guy?! I remember having a lot of pressure from friends to give this new years guy (who liked me) a chance which makes me wonder did i like this guy?! what if i liked him when I started dating my boyfriend!! Even though I remember telling him I didn't like him. but what if I talked to him or flirted after dating my boyfriend?! I can't remember doing that except maybe saying hi but it's making me go insane. i also overthink things like what if i planned on kissing this guy at new years? i remember wanting to but why did i do that?!?! I just can't imagine it now that I love my boyfriend so so much more than ever before!
I got confused over a random memory i had of telling my friend i was interested in a guy. I was confused because there were two get togethers my friend had at her house, one a month before I started dating my bf, one a few days after. I got SO scared and had an anxiety attack about which one it happened at!! or if there were even 2 parties!! I felt crazy and it didnt add up but I got reassurance from a friend that it happened much before and I needed to relax. I now remember that happening at the one way before. But i still have guilt because i had been texting my current bf at that time who liked me at that point. I then started freaking out abotu the other party because everyone was sitting on my friends bed to watch a movie i remember putting my head on a girls leg but i remember sitting behind or beside a guy at some point and started wondering did i cuddle with someone?!?! even though no one was cuddling from what i remember and i know I would've felt terrible if I did it just doesn't add up and then I started feeling bad cause I started wondering if I had flirted with a guy?!?! all because i remmeber the new years guy being there but i have NO memory of flirting unless I was joking around with a group of people or playing soccer thats all i remember doing i have no memory of saying something or doing something flirty but i get scared that I did!
My brain has literally taken every guy I've ever talked to and turned it into a crazy thing! I have a guy friend who used to be really close and he used to like me last summer and before but i never liked him i thought I might have last summer but it didnt feel right, he felt like a brother to me. Anyway my brain started thinking what if you could him?! what if hes a better match?! your mom likes him and he nice and you have had good times together what if hes better?! and i felt horrible and guilty but these thoughts have faded.
Also our school had it's first school dance in a long time this year. I come from a very small school. I remember not having a good time and i remmeber having a thought that i wished my ex was there because i wanted him to notice me which triggers my ocd now into saying why did you think that?! you have a bf what is wrong with you?! and this other guy who is nice but kinda weird and annoying and i DID NOT like asked me to dance halfway through the last song with was a slow dance. he knows i have a bf. i didnt want to be rude so i went and my friends were laughing at me cause they knew i didnt want to! It was really awkward and i put my hands on his neck but i felt wrong doing that i just didnt know what else to do cuz thats how you slow dance and he oved my hands to his handds or arm or something and i felt awkward. I didn't think anything of this stupid dance until my friends mentioned it infront of my bf as a joke and i had to explain it to him and he was kind of annoyed at first but then realized he was being stupid and didn't care. but i still feel guilty!! my mind has even started to ask me "did you like this guy?!?!" i feel like crap!
also there was a guy in a class i had that me and my friend would hang out with and he was funny and we didn't talk all the time but the 3 of us had fun together and i have been obsessing over things like "why did you enjoy hanging with him?! did you look forward to it?! which is a stupid thought. or ill get "did you like him!??!" also I remember my friend showing interest in him and i saidh e had a gf because he does and she wa slike oh then at prom she said he danced with her and said he and his friends have always had crushes on her and i remember being annoyed that she always talks abotu guys liking her or has guys liking her but then my ocd kicked in and is like "why did you think that?! were you jealous?! did you want this guy or other guys to like you?!
Then it obsessed about this other guy who used to like me. I probably sound terrible I'm just trying to let everything out.
Sorry if I sound stupid. Anyway he used to work at my work then left in September out of the country.
I've always thought he was weird but I liked the attention I got I know that sounds terrible but who doesn't like attention? I remember considering liking him in September but I knew I didn't I just thought he was nice. We would talk on the phone sometimes but I didn't always want to and he'd message me but I didn't always reply cause he'd get annoying and I'd tell my friends he was annoying. While I started dating my bf he knew about it. He talked to me about him and he had a gf. He would say he wanted more girls as friends cuz hes sick of his guy friends. At one point I remember enjoying talking to him and wanting to talk to him but I thought nothing of it! He wanted to hang out and I think i wanted to to but my bf didnt approve so I was like whatever not a big deal. It's not like I cared about this guy I just thought he was someone to talk to randomly! or that he was fun. I didn't think anything of it, he has a gf and I know he likes her!! but my ocd brings up all these thoughts like "why did you want to hang out with him" "how could you have done that while you had a bf?!" "did you like him?!" nowadays i feel like a crazy person for ever having thought of hanging out whit him why would I put myself in that situation?! It made me go crazy I had to check all my fb messages with hima nd I saw a few that said he missed me and i would say i miss you too back but i never said it first and i remember sometimes id just act nice to him but i was actually annoyed and he would want to call but we never did while i was dating my bf except once he phoned me and i was on the bus and felt awkward and told him i had to go.
I started then feeling guilty about if I had ever looked at my exes fb or this other guys that used to like me like a year ago who was my friends cousin that lived far away. he had a tumblr and i posted a question a month or more before I dated my bf about how many girls he had loved. i started questioning "why did you look at your exes stuff, did you like them, were you ever jealous of anything on their fb or blog?!"
recently my ocd has gotten much worse. I went to my friend's bday and her bf and other friends of mine were there. I had a weird fear I would get ocd thoughts about a guy. Her bf would give me and other ppl alcohol secretly but I never got drunk I felt completely sober.I remember at the end of the night I started having weird thoughts about her bf and when he walked off I imagined him wanting me to go with him to kiss him but I also imagined myself saying no! I remember thinking he was nice, comparing him to my bf in an ocd way. Now im constantly worried that I had thoughts of kissing him! or worse WANTED to kiss him! I feel like I can't remember my thoughts at all. This didn't bug me so much until weeks later because I have over thought everything and now I don't even know what I thought. I also feel like I had this memory of having a thought of thinking I don't care about my bf and i am attracted to this guy! or I don't care and I wanted to cheat! or I had these feelings but didn't want to! I don't even know what I thought but it scares me! how could I think these things?! My head will go so far into it that it will make me believe I am a cheater. I now have this fear of being a cheater or that I am doomed to cheat or that I want to cheat. It scares me that these thoughts could have been real and part of me feels like I really did have these thoughts and ocd is just and excuse but its not.
I have a huge urge to confess all this to my boyfriend. All I can think about is how he'd feel terrible if i told him I had thoughts or wanted to do something with another guy even though I don't know if that's true! I mean I would feel like crap if he said that about a girl! sigh. Then when I was camping which was very hard to enjoy with these thoughts, I started thinking about how I used to snapchat a guy, or he would snapchat me more I should say. I just remember sending him a snapchat that said something about superman, idk y, maybe he was wearing a superman shirt? something like "now youre really superman" or something like that I dont actually remember at all but i remember accidentally sending it to my bf and feeling bad cuz i would make superman jokes at my boyfriend too and I dont remember what i said to my bf but i remember thinking of what i would tell him and i think i just said that was for my other friend. my mind is telling me i tried to make up a story but why would i? doe sthat mean i was hiding something? and for some reason that is triggering me to have thoughts that I was flirting with this other guy unintentionally! or that I sent a winky face or smiley or something! I would never have wanted to do that i don't even remember talking to this guy but what if I ever flirted?!
then we were at an ice cream place and the guy there seemed nice and i was telling myself ot not have ocd thoughts I actually became scared which made it worse. My mom said he was cute and he liked me as a little joke which made it even worse and I think I thought I was attracted to him or was worried I was and I remember thinking he had a cool voice then I started comparing him to my boyfriend and having thoughts like what if this guys better for you? even though i dont even know him! I took samples from him cause i wanted to taste the icecream and he was the guy taking us and thats it i said thanks and smiled and my mom made a comment about business and so did he and i said THATS considered not busy? referring to the customers but i was talking to my mom mostly. i think. but i was being so ocd about every move i made. I started thinking "what if you were attracted to him?! did you have a desire to flirt?! is he better for you then your bf? do you love your bf? stop thinking this your crazy you love your bf! but what if another guy is better? it's so ridiculous!! I love my bf. This stupid ice cream guy I didn't know kept sitting in my mind even though I didn't want him to be. I got over it by the end of the night and told myself it was just my ocd. But then the next morning I remember being half asleep, but it felt like a dream and I had this thought of kissing or almost kissing this ice cream guy and feeling like I liked this thought so I thought about it for a few seconds. I woke up feeling terrible and disgusted! I started thinking "what if I woke up first realized it was wrong then went back to thinking it? what if I realized it was wrong but thought of it anyways?
was I even half asleep? what if I was awake! then I felt like a cheater and i felt doomed and I started googling things for reassurance. it was ridicuous. Sorry for the super long message. Please don't tell me to reconsider my feelings for my boyfriend or break up with him I am trying so hard to get through this because i love him. I also get doubts about love and if he loves me or if I love him or I get obsessed wtih flaws or his morals. I get ocd about him cheating or leaving me too. Please just give me some kind advice.
I have been having trouble sleeping, sometimes I won't want to eat. I keep feeling like crying and like I'm a terrible cheater and I'm doomed and I need to tell my bf because if I don't I'm hiding things which means I have cheated! I just want to be normal.
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