My fight with PureO(HOCD). Hope it helps

Hello,

Fellow OCD sufferers. I spent last half an hour writing this topic and wasn't able to publish it, so now I have to start all over again in hope it will help someone. I am 23 year old man who suffers from PureO and HOCD. I suffered my whole life, but things got really bad around 6 months ago. In this post, Ill explain my fight in hope it helps someone because I see a lot of HOCD topics begging for help.

So, brief history. I am 23 years old, had HOCD( PureO) for 10 years. I know, it's a lot of time but I didn't realize what was wrong with me until recently. My first signs of Pure O and HOCD started at 13 years old. I still remember that feeling of fear when seeing a handsome man and thought popping in my head. Am I gay? Gradually, things got worse. Hocd ruined my life, I never had a girlfriend, never slept with a girl and I thought things couldn't get any worse. Boy, was I wrong. Since I suffered from HOCD my whole life, I developed a case of constant anxiety. I never knew what it was, I just thought I was supposed to feel that way. My hair started falling out, I couldn't eat and I started drinking and smoking. Drinking made me relaxed so naturally I started to enjoy some success with girls while being drunk because fear and HOCD would fade away. Then I hit it on with some girl and we were supposed to sleep together but all of the sudden anxiety, fear and everything came tumbling back. I couldn't perform. That sent me in the worst spiral of HOCD in my life. I knew I had to do something, but the problem was, I was leaving for another country for 5 months.

So, here I am, 3000 km and 5 months away from home, with the worst case of HOCD in my life. I spent 2 more months drinking and smoking, hoping it would go away by miracle. But it got even worse. So, I knew I had to do something, otherwise I would go crazy and do stupid things to myself. So, what did I do. I started googleing for similar stories and all of them said the same. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE. And you do. So, here is a list of things I did, and still doing, cause I am around 40 % in my therapy.

First, STOP WATCHING PORN. Also, stop masturbating if you can. This is one of the most important things you have to do. * mod edit - link removed* Basically, evolution did not prepare you for this much amount of porn. You will never relate to real women if you watch porn on daily basis. Porn substitutes your desire for real women and your brain gets extra sensitive and thats where things start going crazy.

Second, stop drinking and smoking. Since I only felt relaxed when I was drinking, naturally I drank more and more. I knew I had to stop that too. If you are drinking, stop it. You can have one drink or two but I suggest you not to drink any alcoholic beverage for at least one month till your body gets in natural state of sensitivity.

Third, if you are religious, start praying, if not, as me, start meditating. You can find a lot of books about meditation on the internet so do yourself a favor and cop one for the beginners. Meditation relaxes your overhyped mind and now I can go for one hour without a problem without these disgusting thoughts popping into my head.

Fourth, stop checking. This, I still have to master but I am on a good trajectory. Simply, stop checking do you find this and that man attractive, and stop checking will you get aroused around girls. Your mind needs a break.

Fifth, and extremely important. Agree with everything your HOCD mind tells you. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but you have to understand how the PureO works. The more you fight it, the worse it will get. So, nowadays when I get thoughts( and I still get them, because I am at 40 % of recovery or less) I just let them pass or say to myself, Yeah I am gay and I want to sleep with guys. Sounds crazy? It's not. You have to understand how sexuality works, you cant change it like that. So, when I see a good looking woman my body and my mind go nuts and I start feeling libido again. It's an amazing feeling, I have to tell you.

Six, surround yourself with guys. This is basically Exposure Response Therapy. Surround yourself with guys and stop doing everything you were doing to make it easire. I still feel anxiety around guys, but its much tolerable.

Seven, start writing a diary. This is a great way to measure a progress. You will thank yourself, once you get better and you start reading earlier entries.

Eight, and last, start exercising. When you exercise, your body produces antistress hormones and you feel better. Go for a run or something, if you dont want to go to a gym like me.

So where am I now. Well, I feel a lot better, I know I have still lot to do but I feel very optimistic. Also, I realize, that this condition will probably be with me my whole life and that it my in fact reflect reality. But, once you get pass that, it gets easier. Now, excuse, I am going to make lunch with my flatmates who are shirtless

I wish you very best with your treatment, but you have to understand that you have to change your life, it will not go away by itself. If you have any questions, post in this topic and I'll try to answer them.

What does it mean when the thoughts are fading? Plus I been having patterns of changing from one thing to another. I been experiencing sickness to my stomach now to the point of throwing up when the thoughts pop up in my head.

For me, it just means that they get less intensive and they occur on a less frequent basis. For example, I would have this thoughts in my head at least 90 % time, now I get it couple of times a day. I know what you mean about sickness. I had a lot of panic attacks because of the thoughts but once you realize they are thoughts and you control your actions and you just don't react to them they will start to fade away. But once again, it takes time. And I had one of the worse thoughts ever, trust me mate.

I been dealing with this for about 3 months now and it all started when I couldn't perform with my girlfriend once. I never had an issue with performing before but this one time really hit me hard. All it took was one question "did I stop being attracted to girls all together?" That question pretty much turned into a 3 month torture.

When I get the thought now that maybe I am not attracted to girls anymore I agree with it as mentioned in first post and continue with my business. Next thing you know, I am on the street and I see a beautiful girl and I can't stop looking. So, it all depends how you react to these thoughts. I know it can be unnerving in the beginning but it gets easier. Time is the key.

If you can afford you can also go see a psychotherapist who can help you. Look for the ones who know what OCD means and how to treat it. For me that wasn't an option, so I downloaded a OCD workbook and did my own therapy.

-- Wed May 21, 2014 5:27 pm --

Also, for me the HOCD wasnt the only problem. I also have had ROCD, POCD, VOCD in less extensive amounts but they were there so I have to deal with all of them at the same time.

Hi man I am 22 now I admire you .. I have been true all this aswell images cheking if I am arused and fear that I could not have a future with a woman which I wanted I started drinking and even worse abusing from drugs no need to mension cuz I don't want to implant ideas I have a question for you now a day I know I am str8 thank god no offence for gays if they like it that way and they will be happy so let them be it, I feel guilty for what my mind used to talk like ideas of kissing etc you know what I mean can you help me to remove or accept this shame and guilt cuz I always think when I am with a girl that she has to know whaT I have been thru but I feel shame you know a man talk like that :/ if you can help me surpass this last thing I will be great full m8

Thanks for this!

Senovan wrote:Hi man I am 22 now I admire you .. I have been true all this aswell images cheking if I am arused and fear that I could not have a future with a woman which I wanted I started drinking and even worse abusing from drugs no need to mension cuz I don't want to implant ideas I have a question for you now a day I know I am str8 thank god no offence for gays if they like it that way and they will be happy so let them be it, I feel guilty for what my mind used to talk like ideas of kissing etc you know what I mean can you help me to remove or accept this shame and guilt cuz I always think when I am with a girl that she has to know whaT I have been thru but I feel shame you know a man talk like that :/ if you can help me surpass this last thing I will be great full m8

First of all, ask yourself do you really love this girl. If yes, then my suggestion would be to tell her. PureO is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, you should be proud you got where you are now realizing how much you went through. Ofcourse, you will not go around telling ppl about your condition but to small number that you really care about you should. I told my best friend who is a girl and she understands me and is my moral support. To my male best friend I don't want to tell because I think he would not understand.

Here is an update. I am two months in my therapy. In these two months I sticked to the rules I posted in first post.

So, how am I doing. Anxiety is down to minimal level, I actually now feel almost relaxed around guys, thoughts have stopped coming in to my head, fear is almost gone, when I get this thoughts I just let them pass. My libido is slowly coming back. I can honestly say I never felt like this, I never felt this sexual energy towards women because I killed it with porn. I am two months without porn and I plan staying on without it.I'll need more time, because two months are not enough, it would be like 2 more months at least.

Guys, stop watching porn, google the things what will porn do to you and you will never watch again. No straight man is supposed to see that much amount of naked man bodies in his lifetime.

Hmmm. I never thought about it like that. "A straight man isn't suppose to see that many naked male bodies." That's actually a great point. I suffer with HOCD too and ever since I can remember I've always watched porn as I grew up. I am 20 now and for the last 2 weeks I haven't watched porn since it is a compulsion and OCD just wants me to check it to see if I'm aroused. In our parents days, high speed internet porn didn't exist, they usually jerked off to playboys and the effects porn has on us now is all new, since we are the generation growing up with the most expansive, high speed, porn in HUMAN history. We are the generation that has seen SO much sex online that we are all now seeing the impacts of what it can do to our sexuality, our brains and our view on sex. I've had sex in my life with 12 girls and I have a beautiful girlfriend currently (blonde hair, big curvy butt, nice tits, green eyes) she's the girl of my dreams and sex is great, I've never felt in love like I do now, although I still suffer from the thoughts and have a little bit of premature ejaculation issues which I think is due to porn and the stress I undergo with the thoughts. But that's an excellent point about seeing naked male bodies and so many of them, it only makes sense that it would get HOCD going and feed the cycle even more