My fight with PureO(HOCD). Hope it helps

I can relate to this. I compulsively masturbate one or more times a day. I always get annoying intrusive thoughts when I masturbate.

I stopped watching porn and reading erotica ages ago, but I still suffer from HOCD and intrusive thoughts. My HOCD is a bit different.

I mainly worry about being bisexual, but right now I'm worried about being asexual. Part of me knows that I'm not asexual, but part of me thinks I'm asexual because I rarely have sexual fantasies(not including intrusive thoughts) and I'm not sure what sexual arousal feels like. I suspect this is my HOCD messing with me once again.

Well have you ever been in an intimate relationship with a girl or had sex? How could you not know what sexual arousal feels like? Were you ever sure you were straight or at least didn't obsess over it and women were the only thing to turn you on? N what is ages ago mean even you say you stopped watching porn?

Jqm1445 wrote:Well have you ever been in an intimate relationship with a girl or had sex? How could you not know what sexual arousal feels like? Were you ever sure you were straight or at least didn't obsess over it and women were the only thing to turn you on? N what is ages ago mean even you say you stopped watching porn?

I've never dated any girls. I dated one guy when I was fourteen because I wanted to make myself straight. I kind of liked him as a friend and he wasn't ugly so I assumed that I would eventually like him.

I kept on trying to convince myself that I liked him. I compulsively tried to make myself attracted lot of guys, but I only dated him. I also compulsively asked people when I would start liking guys. They kept reassuring me that I would like guys one day. I think this part of the reason I developed HOCD. I also tried my best to suppress my feeling for girls.

I guess this has made me sexually repressed. I sometimes "feel good" when I look at certain girls, but I don't get explicit sexual thoughts when this happens. This also happens more often when my HOCD is gone. This makes me worry that I'm asexual. I also get a lot of groinal responses. I mostly get groinal responses for good looking guys, but I sometimes get them for girls as well. This makes me worry that I'm bisexual.

I stopped watching porn regularly about a year ago, but I still see some porn by accident. Mainly when I'm looking for videos to watch. I recently decided that I'm going to stop reading erotica and masturbating as well. I just don't enjoy it. I used to get turned on by that, but now I just get a bunch of groinal responses.

How the method of saying "your gay" has worked for you? What was your experiences on doing that?

I believe you are the sexual orientation you are born with, the one you feel you've always been before the onset of HOCD. As I am a man I've liked woman my whole life, this was not a choice but that is just what my body responded too sexually, I am so sexually attracted to the female body, HOCD is just an annoying voice in your head and it comes with intrusive thoughts, thoughts that's are there to bother you and obsess about. I went to an all guys school for four years, seen a bunch of dudes naked in the locker room, and in a time of puberty for males (high school) I never once thought of my fellow males in that way. If anything I thought and still think the hairy asses and gross balls and penis's I saw were disgusting. So deep down I know my sexuality but it's the way I respond to the intrusive thoughts I get now that will control the outcome of my OCD.

So I ask you, when you were growing up what were you attracted to? Do you remember being attracted to both sexes your whole life or was it one of them?

What it means to agree and say "yea I'm gay" is a response to OCD almost like a sarcastic response, meaning whatever the OCD has to say, no matter how many times it tells you your gay, you agree with it, giving it NO POWER over you, since it's just words and words can't change your sexual orientation. OCD is that annoying little kid or that annoying little gnat that won't stop bothering you.

I was attracted to girls since a very young age. Never once saw myself with a guy both physically/emotionally. The reason I asked because I did the extreme and said "I'm gay but its not for me" while it did relived my mind by shutting up but it came with "look up two guys kissing" I did that and watched the video and I got no response what so ever. The reaction that it got from me was yeah that its not for me. but I still feel off and still get intrusive thoughts like crazy but they still don't do anything for me.plus I been having dreams where I'm with my girlfriend and when we kiss I don't get aroused and she notice and trys to continue to kiss me more.


*Edit* to be honest even now the thoughts have been making me more sick to my stomach that I been throwing up. I highly doubt a gay person goes through this with these thoughts in there head. Don't want to sound even more mean.

*Edit2* could it be that I'm really not interested in my thoughts that I show no interest? And all of this is just me freaking myself out? In the sense I'm allowing myself to damage myself?

I was always interested in girls as well and never really saw myself with a guy. That was until puberty started and I started obsessing over making myself "normal".

I have read all of this entries and all I can say is that we are all different and have different stories. It doesn't help if you analyze past or worry about future. My extreme social anxiety, Pure O have ruined my life, but I am slowly getting better. Baby steps guys. For me, meditation is the key, focusing on the moment, trying not to care what people will think, what my brain tells me. I know the difference between right and wrong. I was finally able to make real connections in life, and my PureO is trying to undermine it now. It will take a long time before I get where I want to be, but no one will stop me. Also, all of this, caused serious health problems for me that I have to return back home, place where I dont want to be right now and my mind is telling me that I am imagining all of this and it's because of OCD. Stay strong guys. It takes time.

Bro, how are you doing now?