HOCD vs. Being in the Closet/in Denial

thanks for the replies Jack I really appreciate!!

I do agree i break my religious values all the time and i know obviously there is that stigma around being gay but I suppose I had never feared it before, my mum is gay and I have had gay friends and teachers in the past. But it is a good idea I will try to to distance religion in that regard to see how I feel.

Thanks for your honestyt jack! hopefully it will improve I have an appointment to see thje doctor about it but me and my girlfriend are not sexually active so its an awkward one to say to doctor! But thanks for answering those!!

I think this video may help you clear up doubts. If you were gay, it would be natural and from genetics. Rumors about losing sex drive, striking out with a girl, and becoming interested in feminine hobbies are often triggers to HOCD which could be cleared up if people just knew the facts and lost the ignorant morals that religions try to shove on people. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSQSx3OCrXQ

Hi all,

I am new to the forum and I am looking for some support, any comments would be hugely appreciated.

So here's a little about my story, I am a 28 year old man, living in the UK.

I have been suffering from what I think is HOCD for about 10 years now, it all started when I was about 18. At the time I was in a relationship (with a female) and everything was going fine. I am not sure what triggered the thoughts in my head but for some reason my sexuality came in to question.

I have always liked women, I had crushes on several girls when I was younger too. The first time that I remember something "different" was when I was about 14 and I saw David Beckham on the TV with his t-shirt off and I felt my heart race a little and I came over a little bit hot. At the time, I thought it was a little weird and thought nothing of it, but now I find myself looking back over my past to try and re-assure myself that I am not gay.

I have always been in straight relationships and I have never had a crush on a man, even when I have been single, I have always sought after women (on nights out etc...).

My current situation is that I am in a relationship with a woman, we have a child on the way and I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. Every time I see a member of the same sex now, the thoughts pop in my head and I get the hot feeling and heart beating faster. If I have sexual thoughts about them, I analyze them and try to compare what feels more right, women or men.

I have tried accepting that I could be gay, but for some reason I just cannot do it. I have nothing against gay people and I used to know a few at school.

I feel as though now, every time I see a woman, I seek my reaction to see if there is any and when there isnt, I get the thought "why arent I feeling anything!". It is like I have lost all of my attraction to them, but I do not know why.

I understand that all I am doing here is seeking "re-assurance" but I am literally struggling. I have had a few really low points in the past and suffered for a few weeks and then I have snapped myself out of it. I have never been able to rid the thoughts completely, but I have managed to control them better than I am at the moment.

Does this sound like a common OCD or am I a repressed homosexual and in denial?

I'm gay, but I've actually had the nervousness you described when seeing naked women before. I think maybe you just got nervous because you saw what you thought of as a sexual type of situation. If you ask straight men, I bet most of them would say they would start to feel uncomfortable looking at gay porn or naked men and some to the point of a rapid heart beat.

It might just have a stronger effect on you than most others. It's not homosexuality though because you don't feel the natural desire to be sexual or romantic with other men in any way.

Jack, sorry to bother you but could I ask a question? I'm 18 and a girl and I have ad OCD since I was a young teen. My problem is that I have been questioning my orientation since I was around 14/15. I don't quite remember what first triggered it (I think it may have been GLEE haha). I sometimes have obsessions and compulsions because I don't want my OCD to 'turn' me gay but this hardly happens. The problem is that I know I like guys but I'm not sure if I like girls. I have had both good and bad experiences with both genders but I'm still not sure. There is a part of me that wants to date a girl/be physical with one but I always think to myself that it's just my OCD because of the obsessions and compulsions. I feel as if my OCD has tricked me so much that I now actually want to be with a girl but I am not afraid of the idea but I don't know if that's just because I am very open minded when it comes to sexuality. Can it still be HOCD(Bisexual OCD?) if I don't mind the idea of being with a girl and sometimes even enjoy kissing girls? (drunk mostly- for courage haha). The fact that I have obsessions and compulsions leads me to believe it's OCD but from what I have said about girls above it also doesn't seem like it, right? There is also this girl and I don't know if I like her because I think about her and have kissed her whilst drunk and enjoyed it but I'm just scared that it's my OCD that is making me think I liked it and like her. What's your take? Can OCD trick someone that much?

Thank you .

i would like to ask you if you can help me on something?
I just read this And since when I got HOCD, about 5 mounths ago, I see some mans in their private area and i get terrified about that. But i mean that at fist place i think looking an other man butt might like me or HOCD tells me that because this think last only 0.01 sec and then i get terrified? please help me
In reality i have never been attracted to other mans before, i have never seen mans in that way and those things just disgusted me (I don't have anything against homosexual really just i don't like being homosexual or doing homosexual things). I even have a girlfriend that i love. Please help me and tell me if i have HOCD or i'm on denial.

I fear my only problem with my recent HOCD, least I hope that's what it is, is that I am currently in a relationship and hope to get married someday with my beautiful amazing wife. I have loved her ever since we met. And somebody put a post up on here I believe about being dominant? And I can only agree that being dominant is very exhilarating, but at the same time I used to always be able to enjoy the thought of my wife dominating me too, and using me to all her deeds. Never in a sick competitive way but simply because all I ever wanted was to make love to this one woman, my wife and because of my HOCD it feels completely clouded up. I want to point out I have always been grossed out by gay people (I don't want to offend) and I wouldn't say I was a complete homophobe, but gay just wasn't me? Not that I ever questioned it before, as I was always crazy over women, for as long as I can remember I have always been attracted to women, I was even attracted to my sister when I was very little but obviously never thought of it too much as of course, it was my sister. But the point is, no matter how much I look back on the women and girls I once fantasised about, wanted to be in a relationship with (but never pursued as I was very shy) along with knowing that I have always been rowdy for my wife up until this point, I cannot shrug my HOCD. As I feel at a very vital, scary stage of it at the moment, I seemed to have been able to have grown accustomed to the fears, but now I realise I have lost a dramatic amount of my once full attraction to women I once had, and that only makes the images and thoughts a whole lot worse. I am now constantly falling into depression, crying over and over, covering myself in my covers and shutting myself out from the world trying all I can to just shut myself down. I cannot explain it. Some days I just don't want to be alive anymore as it just feels I have brought on a gay side I hid so far in the closet, or a bisexual side of me I never knew I desired. I know it doesn't work like that. The rational side of me knows this, but because of it all I fear I'm losing my wife, and in turn I just don't want to live anymore with such. I cannot picture myself, or at least I always thought I couldn't picture myself with a man, as it once scared me but now it doesn't seem to so much until I pick up on it. Like once the rational side goes "wait a sec, why aren't you panicking anymore" and that's what spikes me, I'm panicking because I'm not panicking, making me feel, or believe I have just accepted that im gay, and not tricked my OCD but actually fooled my rational side into thinking it's actually the OCD side. It's unbearable and at this point just feels unbeatable with every single thought being over processed and slowly losing the person I once was. Who I am. It doesn't help that now whenever I look at another man, it's much worse if it is a man deemed "good looking", but now it's just any single male. This is how paranoid I have become, if I so much as lock eyes with a man I hesitate, and am overcome with this massive anxiety spike and have thoughts push in on why I was staring. My heart flutters as if it would whenever I would get the shortest message from my wife, which just makes me fear that I am actually attracted to men. But then I just have this rush of sadness after telling myself over and over, just let it pass, as I get this thoughts of my wife and this sharp pain that im losing her. It's really taking its toll on me, and I cannot shrug the thought that I am wronging my wife and that she deserves someone better, but my OCD takes this instantly and bends it as "well you said it yourself, let her go and follow what you truly desire", because I just don't know what to think anymore. Not a single thought feels like it's mine and everything I once knew is slowly fading from me. I have reoccurring thoughts of much more hunker men and more attractive men dominating me, this is the first time I have ever been freaked by a dominance thought. Where as I will be lying in bed, which Is where I'm spiked the most in all honesty, and will get this thought of a man sitting on my chest or even on my groin pinning me down beyond my control. At first I thought maybe it was just my conscience telling me I am letting my fears of my loss of masculinity and inferiority take over my life (where a man a sign of masculinity is actually forcing me down beyond my control) but I realise Logic gets you nowhere with this, as it was easily turned against me by over analysing it and become aroused by the thoughts, which just made me feel completely sick and repulsed with myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, somedays I feel fine now, but then I get these sudden attacks because I question on if I have just mentally accepted a side of me that im not and if I am okay with it, which if course I'm not but I start to feel far away from my wife because of the loss of attraction, the one person I thought to be the most sexy person ever who I lusted over. I don't want to be gay, and I know it's not a choice, because if you are, you are and that's great if you are and are happy with it, but this HOCD has completely bent and ruined my life, turned it upside down and inside out making me feel so far away from myself, and and I know it has nothing to do with stigma, and how gay/lesbian is portrayed, it never bothered me until now, hearing the word gay or homosexual never got me so nervous I had to rethink my entire life before, and question every single decision, making me believe I was just covering up my sexuality with all the innocent crushes I had. I cannot perform for my wife in fear I will just get an image of a man and then just become lousy, either way I do. I cannot afford therapy or any of the sort which is why I had to take things into my own hands, but now feel I have done it all wrong, and have completely ruined myself making me unable to even take in the world around me anymore so trapped and distant like I'm now watching through someone else's eyes. But I just want to say it showed some enlightenment to actually hear of an actual homosexual talking of their OCD, I can admit I was scared and feared I would just be described all the way through, but just knowing that OCD, in any form is OCD- and that's all.

KevinG31 wrote:Excellent post by JackM678.

I would like to add the thought that usually if you are in the closet or at least bisexual you would have already experienced emotional/romantic feelings for boys. As early as 10 years old I felt light-headed and practically fainted whenever a boy gave me positive attention. When I was growing up there was this folded paper game the kids played in school and whenever a boy would play that with me I would become very relaxed and get butterflies in my stomach. I never thought of having sex with these boys at that time but the fact that I would experience a tingling sensation throughout my body suggested that I wasn't quite normal. Even over the internet if a man teaches me how to download a certain online program and he sends me an Instant Message that I see on the screen I almost start drooling because that kind of attention feels so good and this is without seeing the person but knowing that it is a man who is helping me and especially if his instructions are presented in a very nurturing way I just melt like a teenage girl does for Justin Bieber.

The other reason why I think I'm bisexual is that I've always gotten a nervous feeling whenever a muscular man in the area around me has his shirt off or takes his shirt off and the nervous feeling wasn't HOCD, it was my own mind telling me that what I was seeing was HOT but I didn't want anyone else in public to know that I saw his bare chest as hot. There was a scene in the Superman TV show Smallville where Clark Kent had his shirt off for about 5 minutes and his chest was just gorgeous, I was watching it alone but I knew that if I was watching this in front of other people it would be difficult for me to hide my jaw dropping and becoming 3/4th erect. But on the show I was also into the pretty ladies which is why if you experience something similar to me then you could be bisexual. And many people are indeed bisexual they just hide their homosexual thoughts, feelings, reactions, I've seen so many people who claimed to be completely straight drooling over an attractive same sex person.

And if you are truly attracted to men and you hate being like that a big part of why you feel that way is due to societal conditioning in which gay males are perceived as effeminate wimpy sissies and something to laugh at. You don't want to be gay because you don't want people laughing at you. Being laughed at feels humiliating and submissive and you'd rather feel dominant and powerful by having everyone know that you have sex with women like a real man should. Does any of this ring a bell? Because I know that's a major reason why a man doesn't want to be gay.

I think that the feeling of calmness that you experience is ASMR. I also feel very calm and soothed sometimes when someone else (in most instances a female) is doing my work. Its so soothing that i could go to sleep but it is completely different to sexual arousal. I haven't thought much about it till today and that is also most likely because i keep scouring my past for signs of being gay or something. Here's my real story-

I am a 24 year old woman and have of late become obsessed with knowing what my sexual orientation is for sure which is ruining my life. I have never questioned the fact that i am straight before. I have been in a relationship for about eight years now with a man. The thought of not ending up with him really hurts. We've had our issues but i feel so happy when i'm with him. I never ever doubted my sexual orientation, in fact I have always dreamt of falling in love and getting married to a man. I've always enjoyed the thought of and actually being intimate with my boyfriend. Three months ago I had a sudden thought, what if i become gay later on in life? I clearly remember that i felt paralysed that night, I kept picturing myself with a woman and it disgusted me, my heart beat faster, my stomach churned, i couldn't breathe, my body felt tight, i shivered and really wanted to throw up. Those thoughts disappeared for a while and then there was another spike a few weeks later, confused and anxious, i started to analyse my past. Now i went to an all girls school and when i was in sixth grade, there was a tenth grade girl that i looked up to, who essentially looked like a complete guy. It was so long ago that i can't recall properly but i did want her to become my sister in law or something. The point is that i never wanted to be in a relationship with her or wanted anything romantic or sexual with her like i did with guys. The issue is that my mind has now become fixated with interpreting what that was. Something that i never even thought about or paid any attention to for years has now become the bane of my life. So my fear has turned from I might become gay to I just might be gay. I can't be around women anymore, even if i like a woman's dress, her hair or think that she's pretty, my mind just assumes is an indication of my true sexual preference. I have to check and keep checking what it would be like being with a woman and it makes me shiver and want to throw up. I don't feel like its natural and it doesn't make me as happy and satisfied as i do thinking about the opposite sex but my brain won't register it or believe it. I feel depressed all the time, i have a void sensation in my chest throughout the day. I don't want to go out, I just want to know for sure what I really am. i'm sick of having panic attacks every where, sometimes right in the middle of crossing a street and having to stop completely and process them fully. Its ruining my life and also making me question my love and attraction for my boyfriend. Also in the past, i have had other fears and obsessions like weight and being feminine enough. I also have a history of bad anxiety and checking things like locks, taps, switches etc again and again. Its as if my brain can't sometimes register what the truth really is. The sad part is that my mind somewhere knows that these thoughts are illogical, that i am feminine and good looking enough, that i am emotionally and physically attracted to men, that the door is locked, that there is nothing waiting to attack me in a dark room or under water but yet the illogical fears still seem so much more real. What is it, denial or HOCD?

Bump.

I think the OP is an excellent illustration of the subtle, but quantifiable, difference between HOCD, and the real deal. Something I've tried to express many times, but not as well.

From the time I became sexually aware, I knew I had a desire for, and was capable of being physical, with either sex. As was said in this thread, doesn't matter whether you want to be Bi/Gay, or not- you know you're different, and a part of you wants it despite all the reasons you throw up to deny it. Another important distinction- these HOCD stories of liking the opposite sex and never having a thought of the same sex before the fear set in... That is not denial. Denial, is not cluelessness. Denial is kidding yourself. Kidding yourself isn't cluelessness, either. It's simply finding excuses to invalidate the evidence before your eyes. Believe those of us that aren't straight that have posted in this thread: if you are, at some point, you KNOW. You know.

Being in denial means denying all the logical reasons in place that would lead any sane person to believe in an obvious outcome.

Worrying that not having been able to be in a successful relationship with the opposite sex, or somehow fearing that everything in your life would be terrible if you were somehow gay is in no way being in denial. That's a what if fear.

I suppose the only way that could be related to in denial is if you pretty much knew you were liked the same gender and wanted to be with them, but felt reasons to deny it is true because your life would be terrible if you were gay.

For me, the denial was because I knew I wanted to be with males over females, and I only found men attractive, but thought maybe I could just not be gay and be considered curious because I didn't and still don't desire oral sex, and find very few men attractive.

Unfortunately, I would be in denial if I didn't admit at least to myself that I do often find 13-16 year old boys sexually attractive. To deny it would be lying to myself, but I'm not happy about it. I only told people closest to me in my life that it is true, and they all accepted that it is simply part of nature and know me well enough to know that I wouldn't try getting into a sexual situation with a minor.