Help me please !! Religious OCD !!

Hi there, whole my life I had OCD and most of it I didn't knew I have it but I do know since 2-3 years, I had Hocd, Pocd and religous too and I beat them I don't know how but they were fading away and now the religious is slowly coming back again and by religious I mean I have fear that I am meant or needed to become a priest but I hate that idea I don't want it and I don't want to want it but its always in the back of my mind saying like 'oh you're gonna be priest' and **** like that, I know its OCD but sometimes I fear like maybe its not OCD and then I panic even more, I have that feeling inside of me that is forcing me to be priest and when I accept it I feel relieved but then ANGER!!! BOOM !!! I don't want to **** off, please guys help me I don't want to want it and I don't want it, what the hell is wrong with me I just don't know who I am and what to do anymore... I had OCD fears in past like selling my soul or If I touch that door I sold my soul, or If I whatever thing do I sold my soul or sold soul of some family member, I jsut don't know what to do anymore, sometimes it gets me to think like maybe I really im meant to be ..... ( I don't even want to write it ) but I just don't want to, I don't have strenght to fight back anymore sometimes it comes to me to just accept, sometimes it even feels like I want to be that $#%^ and it makes me angry even more im so lost. .. help me what is wrong with me..... I just want to vanish and not exist anymore.... im 19 yrs old and my English is not perfect I apoloagize for that..

Hello, grath, you're the age that I was when my ocd really started; I'm in my 50s now. I seemed to get a full dose of most versions of ocd, but especially the religious one. I used to think that I would cause other people to be damned - for example, I thought that if I didn't finish with my boyfriend, he would be damned. I had all kinds of thoughts about religion,damnation and causing people harm, and would pray like a mad thing. Of course, with prayer, it was difficult to think, "Oh, sod it.", in case I caused offence to God. The daft thing is that I'm not even religious, but then, with ocd, our minds don't deal with things as they really are.

I won't pretend that my religious ocd has gone away completely, but it's much, much better than it was when I was younger - medication helped a lot. Cognitive behavioural therapy can help, too.

It's as if our brains are our worst enemies, isn't it? As if they know what frightens us most, or what we most don't want to do, then they punish us by telling us that we need to do whatever that is. I could give you some ridiculous examples, but I don't want you to think that I don't know how bad you feel, because I do. I understand the pressure, fear and anger.

But grath, please, listen. One day, you won't feel this bad. Please, ask your doctor about medication and therapy for your ocd. I probably felt as bad as you feel now, and those feelings will fade. You sound as if you've fought it on your own up until now, which is frightening for you, and takes courage and strength, but you do need to get help.

As for your mind telling you that you should be a priest; your ocd is only torturing you with that, because it works as a way to upset you. You don't want to be a priest, of course you don't, nor do I, (well, in my case, I don't want to be a nun!), and that is absolutely fine. Nothing bad is going to happen to you or anybody else, because you're not going to be a priest. The religious associations make it sound scary to you, but really, it's no more than your ocd, just like the ocd that us others here have, trying to find any way that works to upset you.

The next time you think that you should be a priest, try thinking calmly, "No, I don't want to be a priest, I'm not meant to be one, and that is fine. I can be kind and content without being a priest." Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would do to a friend who was suffering as you are.

It does get better, with medication especially, and over time the thoughts lose their power to frighten you. Ask your doctor about therapy, as well. I wish you all the best.

funky.

Also, have a look at the thread near the top of this page, entitled, 'Great guru for ocd. Fred Penzel.' by margharris. If you click on the link, and have a look at chapter 19, it's about religiosity. You might find it helpful. Again, good luck to you.

Thank you alot for reading my post and using your time to help me, I had thoughts of harming someone too I had it all, every little aspect of OCD I think I had it, and yeah that's what I was doing too when I thought I offedned God or something holy I pray like mad but then feel like he won't forgive me and then I feel even more lost, what is wrong with me ? Will I ever be happy again ? I have alot of possibilites in my life and gifts by nature in every aspect of me but I just can't use it like this...Now I have some thoughts too like 'Oh you're so good person and you're not judgemental and you are so accepting and friendly to everyone so that means God has given you that to become a priest' WTFF??!!? isn't priesthood free will/choice like everything else is ?? ... and now im at the point where OCD even makes you think that you are priest or will be, im scared to go to Church, im even scared to pass near some Cross or Church becouse it makes me think of becoming priest... I remeber when I had HOCD it actually made me belive that I am gay lol, but im not, I really im not, I just broke up with my girl and my OCD is kinda stronger and im weaker.. I was at counceling once, only once and it helped me alot and I forgot about everything but I don't want to go again, I feel like im crazy if I go there.. Thank you again for your time.. are you happy now ? do you have husband, kids and all that ? Sorry if it sounds kinda rude asking that, don't need to answer that..

Hello again, grath. When you wrote that, because you are a good person, that must mean that God wants you to be a priest, that's just your ocd talking. It's known as the doubting disease. Whenever you think of a solution, your ocd says, "Ah, but.....this is why you are wrong, and why you must become a priest." And then, because you have religious ocd, you worry that it's a 'genuine' thought. But it isn't, it's just your ocd, finding a way to upset you. Your obsession with having to become a priest is just a symptom of ocd.

Please, take the first step to feeling better, and go and see your doctor about medication. And reconsider therapy. You're not crazy; scientists have even found a small area of the brain that is linked to ocd; also, people with ocd have low levels of serotonin, so taking medication to replace this helps a lot. I resisted taking medication for a long time, but when I did start, my levels of ocd and anxiety fell by about 70%. Also, have you had a chance to look at that thread by margharris that I mentioned, 'Great guru for ocd. Fred Penzel.', and read the chapter on religiosity? It might help you.

I think that one of the problems with ocd is that we become obsessed with whatever problem is uppermost in our mind, and then that rules our life, and stops us from seeing the bigger picture, and realising that it's not 'real', it's just a symptom of ocd.

You're not rude at all, asking me how I am now. Well, I'm much happier than I was at your age. I'm not married, because as well as having ocd, I'm a narcissist, something I only realised a few years ago. It means that I don't have strong feelings for people in general. There are a few people whom I care about a lot, including a lovely brother. So, I have a nice life.

Things will get better for you grath, but you do have to go and get the help that is there for you. I wish you the very best.

funky.

I can't find 'great ocd guru' ... When I look at my life backwards it was full of obsessions and I didn't even know it, Thank you again for your time to help me...btw I was pretty good last 2 days but had feeling of guilt like im ignoring that feeling and I will go to hell or God won't forgive me, its pretty scary feeling but I ignored it and now my Religous OCD is coming back slowly again but in time it will fade im sure couse it did faded 1st time, that 1st time I was on the edge of suicide I was ready to do it I dunno what stoped me but something did.. can you link me 'great ocd guru' ?

(Back in a bit. Just tried to do a link, and failed!) Sorry, grath, I'm rubbish with computers, but margharris' post is about halfway down this page, and it's called, 'Great Guru for ocd. Fred Penzel.' It's well worth looking at.

I understand very well those doubts creeping back, after you've managed to ignore them. It doesn't mean that they mean anything but ocd, though. That's all that they are. They are just your ocd, which is trying to find a way to frighten you. That's what I meant when I wrote elsewhere that, with ocd, it's as if our brain is our worst enemy. It just looks for thoughts that will frighten us, but that's all that they are. They don't mean anything, they are not 'real'.

I found, when I was young, and the ocd started, that over time, the thoughts lost their power to frighten me. At first, I thought, "What is this, what's happening? I must be mad and bad." This was back in the 70s, when no-one knew much about ocd. I was too ashamed to tell anybody for years, which was/is still quite common with ocd. Eventually, though, the thoughts lose their power to shock and control you. Lots of people feel like you and I do/did, which is another thing that helps. There isn't a thought that you can have, that someone else hasn't already had.

I noticed that you didn't mention medication. Is there any reason that you don't want to take it? It made a huge difference to me. If you're worrying about it, please don't think that taking medication means that you're mad. You just have a chemical imbalance in your brain, and some thought patterns that are off balance.

Don't you worry, grath. You're not meant to be anything but a young man living a nice, normal life. I keep saying this, I know, but I hope that you can get some help from therapy and medication. I didn't want to take medication either, but, once I did, I felt a lot better.

I suffer from scrupulosity and I'm in a ruck of $#%^ between faith and compulsive faith.

Sounds to me like your moral fabric has been compromised and you are falling prey to the belief that you are a piece of $#%^ and nothing more rucksack

I will try better to find it ! Well I don't want to take pills and other stuff I don't even know reason its just I don't want to I hope I will be 'free' of this iron chains once again.. Thanks Funky..

PinchOfSanity, I'm making the same suggestion to you that I made to grath, to have a look at that thread entitled 'Great Guru for ocd. Fred Penzel.' by margharris. I understand - it's really difficult to tell the difference between 'genuine' thoughts about religion, and obsessive ones. I'm not even religious, but even so, it does get complicated, as thoughts which are really just ocd, become more difficult to dismiss. I hope that the Fred Penzel thread helps you, and that you can get help through therapy and medication.

All the best to you, grath. I understand your reluctance to take medication, even though it is so helpful, (said funky for the 4 millionth time!) - I had to be heavily pressured by my doctor before I would take it. (But I still hope that you change your mind and try it!)