PSA: Don't get in relationships with a narcissist if you

have different set of needs.

Even though I'm healthier than before, I still can't meet the needs of other people. The reason being, other people have different priorities in relationships. My main pleasure in life isn't being connected to someone day in and day out. It's getting satisfaction by doing interesting things with other people. No matter how healthy I get, I can admit that I will never be fully in sync with a person that requires connection every single day of their life.

People have unrealistic expectations of getting their needs met by a narcissist. Instead of leaving the relationship, they try to squeeze things out of the narcissist. Things that narcissists can't give. They blame the narcissist for the relationship but fail to see their poor choice of staying in the relationship. It's a poor choice because narcissists don't know how to be there for you. At the heart of the disorder is a child who never fostered a bond with someone - for no fault of their own. They have no subconscious understanding of what a "normal" relationship entails and can't give what they themselves did not receive.

Narcissists belong with people who have the same set of needs.

Then don't pursue people you know you will just damage. Logical people after some thought do not blame the narcissist for the relationship, they take fault in staying. But if you KNOW that you cannot give another person things that they need you have no business pursuing them in the first place.

It would be different, very different, if my ex had come to me and been honest from the beginning about his issues. We all know that is not how it goes. You get idealized, told all the wonderful things that are going to happen, and he is prince charming.....until he isn't. All the wonderful things that were happening no longer take place, and the person, who is usually dumbfounded, remains to hear precisely what you just said. It's your fault for not leaving. Well, if you didn't put on a face in the beginning, that person probably wouldn't even be around. So whose fault is that?? Someone who pretends to be your best friend, or your soul-mate, then hurts you, then blames you for staying. Classic. Instead of making the choice not to seek relationships you can't hold up your end in. Stop blaming other people for situations that you created. Fix yourself.

To me it sounds more rational for a person to assert their boundaries: "I can't take this kind of treatment, I'm out of here", than to expect other people to do that for them.

I want to comment, no one should blame you for staying. There's no logic in that. I called it a poor choice because that's what it is. Whenever a relationship shows signs of things going irreversibly wrong, (npd or not) a person should end it. That's all I'm saying. Once you know the relationship is messed up, and it won't change... you are to blame for keeping yourself in the situation (not for all the previous stuff). You are a grown up, you understand the consequence of staying, and you have to take care of yourself. This world isn't going to make your decisions for you. *I'm using "you" to prove a point. I'm not talking about you, bee

My PSA post is about helping people out. Both narcissists and others. Some people think narcissists will change and they stay in hurtful relationships because of this misunderstanding. This post is for them. These people need to learn to look out for themselves. I could spend my time and mention more reasons why the person hurting needs to take the initiative to assert their boundaries, but the important stuff has already been said. Don't blame the narcissist, don't blame yourself. Understand it's not going to work, move on.

I don't feel like explaining this but I have to at least mention it: narcissists don't always behave deliberately

nmind wrote:To me it sounds more rational for a person to assert their boundaries: "I can't take this kind of treatment, I'm out of here", than to expect other people to do that for them.

The gap between who a narcissist really is and their false self is so great that its very hard to believe and accept. Asserting boundaries wasn't even on my mind at that point. Is was more WHAT IS THIS?? Where did it come from? Did I do something wrong? etc. If I were only superficially involved, then it would have been as simple as what you stated. You're mistreating me, so I'm leaving.

I want to comment, no one should blame you for staying. There's no logic in that. I called it a poor choice because that's what it is. Whenever a relationship shows signs of things going irreversibly wrong, (npd or not) a person should end it. That's all I'm saying. Once you know the relationship is messed up, and it won't change... you are to blame for keeping yourself in the situation (not for all the previous stuff). You are a grown up, you understand the consequence of staying, and you have to take care of yourself. This world isn't going to make your decisions for you. *I'm using "you" to prove a point. I'm not talking about you, bee

I agree here. And I appreciate that, nmind. I made the mistake of believing that his feelings of love were similar to mine. I did things with his best interest at heart, and thought that he was doing the same, when that wasn't the case. I assumed that things were mutual because of how he treated me initially. So when he would advise, I would listen. I thought we could rely on each other when needed, etc. But when you realize that you really are on your own even with the narcissist in your life, you do have to take care of yourself.

My PSA post is about helping people out. Both narcissists and others. Some people think narcissists will change and they stay in hurtful relationships because of this misunderstanding. This post is for them. These people need to learn to look out for themselves. I could spend my time and mention more reasons why the person hurting needs to take the initiative to assert their boundaries, but the important stuff has already been said. Don't blame the narcissist, don't blame yourself. Understand it's not going to work, move on.

I don't feel like explaining this but I have to at least mention it: narcissists don't always behave deliberately

I've spent the majority of my life catering to the needs of others, I'm trying to learn to live another way, so asserting boundaries for some isn't easy. That still gets me......they sometimes don't behave deliberately. I simply can't grasp that.

Nmind,

Perhaps there are several PSAs.

1. dont get into a relationship with a narcissist if... Means recognizing early on before you get attached traits about your potential partner that are unmistakable so you dont doubt your own evaluations, and also realize that certain traits increase the likely hood that you will suffer a great deal of emotional pain, perhaps abuse -- really taking that seriously.

2.

I could spend my time and mention more reasons why the person hurting needs to take the initiative to assert their boundaries, but the important stuff has already been said.

For a person who is in a great deal of emotional pain, in order to make good decisions and be able to recover there are certain steps they can take on their own to deal with emotional wounds. These are things to do in maintainence before the pain gets out of control. People in a great deal of pain do not generally make good decisions. I like this 45 minute google talk: Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries, by Guy Winch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBqoA1V6Fgg

3. I dont know what unconditional love means in a relationship between two adults. It looks like some people believe that in general unconditional love is a viable route to healing relations. My own pov is that whatever unconditional love may be, I don't thinks it's a viable route to healing difficult relationships. It's really about setting boundaries, as you write Nmind, irrespective of NPD or not. But a person can't do this effectively if they are in some emotional pain, and the person they are dealing with routinely crosses their boundaries, intentionally or not. So I'll just boldly state my pov that unconditional love in adult relationships is harmful rather than helpful... again irrespective of npd.

4. Finally there's the PSA of getting out of a relationship. Blaming one's self for staying at any point induces a kind of helplessness, confusion, guilt... Blaming the other person doesn't solve any problem at all. My view is that one needs to detach somehow from the details of what is going on in the back and forth at that time and look at your own feelings and needs.

5. The PSA not to repeat this again.

You two have brought a unique perspective on the subject. What I believe we can all learn from this, is that the person getting into a relationship with an N should have certain skills and knowledge:

- learn what constitutes an unhealthy relationship
- learn to assert your boundaries
- learn when it's time to leave

Sometimes it takes the experience of going through a bad relationship to learn these things. So any previous bad experiences should be taken as a learning experience for all future relationships.

I believe a lot of people spend their mental energy focusing on the actions of the narcissist. But it's more constructive to evaluate how you handle relationships and if your decisions are keeping you healthy. There are going to be harmful relationships with people that don't have NPD, and it will be up to you to understand the unhealthy structure of the relationship. No one can keep you from bad relationships. It's something every person has to learn for their own sake.

About helping narcissists... look for people who are similar to you. People that don't need constant emotional nurturing. Someone who is independent and feels self-assured in the absence of their partner. Someone who appreciates your personality and types of interests.

Overcome your problems that fck up relationships. Nobody wants to be alone 100% of the time, but if you don't get over your problems, you'll be that person. For example:

- only doing what you want
- not listening to the other person
- mentally bypassing the needs of the other person
- accepting defeat or loss
- accepting criticism
- dealing with boredom and frustration

When you get over relationship problems and you find someone like you, it won't be hard maintaining a relationship. It will be less work than being with a non.

Nmind, your suggestion certainly makes sense, but for a non it is much easier said than done. First of all, the non’s emotional involvement in the relationship is probably much deeper than you seem to think, however healthy the person is. Also consider that whenever the non tries to make sense of the situation (by enquiring into the N's "bizarre" reactions, for instance), the narcissist will most surely deny the information needed to understand what is actually going on in their mind: the N doesn’t want to be abandoned, doesn’t want to be at the mercy of the other person’s will and choices, and will go to great lengths to keep things under control. I suppose that’s why a non is never told of the disorder from the beginning. I can assure you that even though I followed your prescription, it still hurt; the mission of cutting emotional ties absorbs a lot of energies; it diverts attention and focus from everything else. Things are much easier when you know about the disorder, but gaining awareness, too, requires a lot of work. Those who are not acquainted with psychology will have a really hard time understanding that the relationship can’t possibly work, because they probably don’t even imagine that there are people out there who are wired so much differently; and believe me, from a non’s perspective, when you get to see what it is about, it seems completely otherworldly. Consider the conditions you have listed for relating to a narcissist: they imply, at the very least, a master degree in psychology and relationships… But this is not how people usually get together.

Also consider that whenever the non tries to make sense of the situation (by enquiring into the N's "bizarre" reactions, for instance), the narcissist will most surely deny the information needed to understand what is actually going on in their mind: the N doesn’t want to be abandoned, doesn’t want to be at the mercy of the other person’s will and choices, and will go to great lengths to keep things under control. I suppose that’s why a non is never told of the disorder from the beginning.

Vulnerability. The naked fear.

Consider the conditions you have listed for relating to a narcissist: they imply, at the very least, a master degree in psychology and relationships… But this is not how people usually get together.

It's one thing to talk the walk, but walking the walk seems to cause too much pain for NPD. Any perceived disappointment or ego blow from the partner [ regardless of PD or not } is internalized by the pwNPD even through the defense mechanisms leading to devalue and discard...Catch 22...bee is right, fix yourself or it will only ever repeat.

Another poster here wrote about the Mother/ Therapist / Partner r.s. a complete dream situation which from my perspective with that amount of understanding of one's own thought processes, what is the need of an external party to continue healing? They are already aware so at what point are thoughts and behaviors divorced from the other?

InSpiritus wrote:Another poster here wrote about the Mother/ Therapist / Partner r.s. a complete dream situation which from my perspective with that amount of understanding of one's own thought processes, what is the need of an external party to continue healing? They are already aware so at what point are thoughts and behaviors divorced from the other?

Hi InSpiritus, I'm in love with your new avatar

Are you referring to LivingInMyHead?