PSA: Don't get in relationships with a narcissist if you

Perfection, georgessa. Somewhat concise but clear explanation of what happens.

InSpiritus wrote:It's one thing to talk the walk, but walking the walk seems to cause too much pain for NPD. Any perceived disappointment or ego blow from the partner [ regardless of PD or not } is internalized by the pwNPD even through the defense mechanisms leading to devalue and discard...Catch 22...bee is right, fix yourself or it will only ever repeat.

It really became apparent that my ex was struggling at certain points and didn't understand why then. Trying to resist his compulsions really wore on him. It was sad to see.

Another poster here wrote about the Mother/ Therapist / Partner r.s. a complete dream situation which from my perspective with that amount of understanding of one's own thought processes, what is the need of an external party to continue healing? They are already aware so at what point are thoughts and behaviors divorced from the other?

Precisely. If you know, it's time to stop keeping a crutch to project on, blame, and hurt, and do the work needed to be better.

georgessa wrote:

InSpiritus wrote:Another poster here wrote about the Mother/ Therapist / Partner r.s. a complete dream situation which from my perspective with that amount of understanding of one's own thought processes, what is the need of an external party to continue healing? They are already aware so at what point are thoughts and behaviors divorced from the other?

Hi InSpiritus, I'm in love with your new avatar

Are you referring to LivingInMyHead?

Hello Georgessa
Have not seen your posts in a while. I enjoy your thoughts. Thank you on the Avatar...I like it.

No, I wasn't referring to LIMH. Another person. I'd rather not draw attention as he may stop posting and that would be a loss.

Inspiritus, vulnerability the naked fear in me too after this life-shaking experience. There's a reason some people arrive here (not myself) talking of suicidal feelings. I am afraid of the world of people at some level, I have lost confidence in my ability to judge who can enter my personal life and who cannot. I feel like I lost some innocence that will never return. And this is true. so?

Those who are not acquainted with psychology will have a really hard time understanding that the relationship can’t possibly work, because they probably don’t even imagine that there are people out there who are wired so much differently; and believe me, from a non’s perspective, when you get to see what it is about, it seems completely otherworldly. Consider the conditions you have listed for relating to a narcissist: they imply, at the very least, a master degree in psychology and relationships…

otherworldly was a portal to compassion both for myself and for my ex. Eventually some compassion and I think now I am getting to the point where i blame myself or him less and less... Given my judgement about my gauge of discerning those who I want in my life from those who I dont, it's kind of a masters degree in personal relations that i'm after. mainly well, there is no other place i am aware of that I feel connected to other people who have shared similar experiences, one either side.

I wish I could put his head into a scanner and then read that out and put that input into my head so I could experience his existence for about 5 minutes... otherworldly and fascinating, and I guess that little bit of hope that I could finally forgive him and myself for all that happened. you know really let it go...

Inspiritus, it could have been me... to some degree, I am not sure?

beesknees wrote:

Another poster here wrote about the Mother/ Therapist / Partner r.s. a complete dream situation which from my perspective with that amount of understanding of one's own thought processes, what is the need of an external party to continue healing? They are already aware so at what point are thoughts and behaviors divorced from the other?

Precisely. If you know, it's time to stop keeping a crutch to project on, blame, and hurt, and do the work needed to be better.

Mmmmh... It sounds too easy to me Based on my understanding of NPD, the impulse to enact all the defensive and destructive behaviours typical of the disorder is more a drive than a choice... A drive rooted in the lack of a solid sense of self... Which is why the therapy can't simply consist in helping the patient become aware of the dynamics and it must involve the building of a real self. Many pwNPD on this forum have attested that becoming aware wasn't enough to start and behave differently

InSpiritus wrote:Hello Georgessa
Have not seen your posts in a while. I enjoy your thoughts.

Thank you dear, I reciprocate You haven't seen my in a while because I needed to take a holiday from my... doctorate in NPD I feel I've made a lot of progress but I still need some support from time to time

freyja wrote:otherworldly was a portal to compassion both for myself and for my ex. Eventually some compassion and I think now I am getting to the point where i blame myself or him less and less... Given my judgement about my gauge of discerning those who I want in my life from those who I dont, it's kind of a masters degree in personal relations that i'm after. mainly well, there is no other place i am aware of that I feel connected to other people who have shared similar experiences, one either side.

I can totally relate to this. It's the same for me – ex lover/friend that I literally don't know what to do with... except that I don't want to be intimate with him again.

I don't have much time to write now but I read about all your stories

nmind wrote:People have unrealistic expectations of getting their needs met by a narcissist. Instead of leaving the relationship, they try to squeeze things out of the narcissist. Things that narcissists can't give. They blame the narcissist for the relationship but fail to see their poor choice of staying in the relationship. It's a poor choice because narcissists don't know how to be there for you. At the heart of the disorder is a child who never fostered a bond with someone - for no fault of their own. They have no subconscious understanding of what a "normal" relationship entails and can't give what they themselves did not receive.

^^This.
Say what you want about it, but it's true. If you have become aware that your boyfriend/girlfriend is a narcissist and researched what narcissism is all about, LEAVE. Don't waste your time trying to fix them..... just get out.
IMO, the above quote from nmind should be included in a sticky thread that all nons who come here to the NPD forum looking to post about relationship problems with their partner who they KNOW is a narcissist should read.

freyja wrote:Inspiritus, vulnerability the naked fear in me too after this life-shaking experience. There's a reason some people arrive here (not myself) talking of suicidal feelings. I am afraid of the world of people at some level, I have lost confidence in my ability to judge who can enter my personal life and who cannot. I feel like I lost some innocence that will never return.

Ditto. It's not at some level. My fear of people is clear to all who approach at this point, and I do not trust my ability to decide who I should be close to.

georgessa wrote:
Mmmmh... It sounds too easy to me Based on my understanding of NPD, the impulse to enact all the defensive and destructive behaviours typical of the disorder is more a drive than a choice... A drive rooted in the lack of a solid sense of self... Which is why the therapy can't simply consist in helping the patient become aware of the dynamics and it must involve the building of a real self. Many pwNPD on this forum have attested that becoming aware wasn't enough to start and behave differently

I didn't comment on the difficulty of said tasks. But, the tasks are much more difficult to undertake with several hurt people in tow, is it not? Maintaining a web of lies with different people involved isn't going to help a pwNPD get any better.

I can totally relate to this. It's the same for me – ex lover/friend that I literally don't know what to do with... except that I don't want to be intimate with him again.

I don't have much time to write now but I read about all your stories

Georgessa, we are at one on this. Thank you. I've not finished reading all your posts here from the past -- and look forward to your next. Fellow travellers of sorts. Lovely to find you here.

Inspiritus, it could have been me... to some degree, I am not sure?

Most likely it was as well, but nothing to worry about any longer. He needs to fix himself which he won't and you carry on and enjoy your life. What else is there?

I really have a brutal time to relate to after effects of the emotions post r.s. I don't have them as it is done. Finished. They were there in the moment, but there after? No. At the times it was quite awful, but after that? Nothing...just a rear view mirror which is of no interest to look back. I do sometimes, but..nothing major, memories, pleasant and unpleasant but there is nothing the rattles me about it.

Based on my understanding of NPD, the impulse to enact all the defensive and destructive behaviours typical of the disorder is more a drive than a choice... A drive rooted in the lack of a solid sense of self... Which is why the therapy can't simply consist in helping the patient become aware of the dynamics and it must involve the building of a real self. Many pwNPD on this forum have attested that becoming aware wasn't enough to start and behave differently

Totally alien concept to me. Lack of Self. What is that? Just bizarre. At the same time, this is also where Nons get smashed on the rocks. They identify SELF with roles in relation to their partner and society. Fatal error. I think so at any rate, but apparently I am the odd one in that as well. So...my thought processes are other.

I didn't comment on the difficulty of said tasks. But, the tasks are much more difficult to undertake with several hurt people in tow, is it not? Maintaining a web of lies with different people involved isn't going to help a pwNPD get any better.

Nope...not when the threads have been unraveling for a rather long time...but playing stupid is fun yes?

-- Sat Oct 25, 2014 3:57 am --

Bigbird98 wrote:

nmind wrote:People have unrealistic expectations of getting their needs met by a narcissist. Instead of leaving the relationship, they try to squeeze things out of the narcissist. Things that narcissists can't give. They blame the narcissist for the relationship but fail to see their poor choice of staying in the relationship. It's a poor choice because narcissists don't know how to be there for you. At the heart of the disorder is a child who never fostered a bond with someone - for no fault of their own. They have no subconscious understanding of what a "normal" relationship entails and can't give what they themselves did not receive.

^^This.
Say what you want about it, but it's true. If you have become aware that your boyfriend/girlfriend is a narcissist and researched what narcissism is all about, LEAVE. Don't waste your time trying to fix them..... just get out.
IMO, the above quote from nmind should be included in a sticky thread that all nons who come here to the NPD forum looking to post about relationship problems with their partner who they KNOW is a narcissist should read.

Horse dung...I've seen one do so...but Choose to be a prick. So...? Center of the Universe problem...but whatever , it's funny to watch.

beesknees wrote:

georgessa wrote:
Mmmmh... It sounds too easy to me Based on my understanding of NPD, the impulse to enact all the defensive and destructive behaviours typical of the disorder is more a drive than a choice... A drive rooted in the lack of a solid sense of self... Which is why the therapy can't simply consist in helping the patient become aware of the dynamics and it must involve the building of a real self. Many pwNPD on this forum have attested that becoming aware wasn't enough to start and behave differently

I didn't comment on the difficulty of said tasks. But, the tasks are much more difficult to undertake with several hurt people in tow, is it not? Maintaining a web of lies with different people involved isn't going to help a pwNPD get any better.

I beg your pardon Beesknees, I see I'm completely missing the situation/posts you are referring to – so don't take my comment into account

freyja wrote:

I can totally relate to this. It's the same for me – ex lover/friend that I literally don't know what to do with... except that I don't want to be intimate with him again.

I don't have much time to write now but I read about all your stories

Georgessa, we are at one on this. Thank you. I've not finished reading all your posts here from the past -- and look forward to your next. Fellow travellers of sorts. Lovely to find you here.

One of these days I'll write about how things developed here... It's kind of interesting

Mmmhmm....Geogessa;s ex morphed from an AsPD, to NPD and what not while she considered morphing into a sociopath....Xena comes to mind...