Covert narcissists and sex

Is it common for covert narcissists to lie about why they avoid sex? My ex wife said she was insecure about sex because her vagina was ugly and that someone joked once to her about an "outie" vagina and that since hers wasn't perfectly formed to the ideal of what a vagina should look like, she felt uncomfortable about sex. Mind you, it wasn't the nicest one around but it certainly wasn't that bad at all during the few times she actually revealed it openly.

Strangely, the only time she really seemed to be in to sex was when we stayed at very expensive hotels. At the start of our relationship she wanted to have sex in public, cars and the beach, which often made me feel uncomfortable.

I also couldn't reconcile her love of extreme hip hop that demeaned women sexually or her admission that she had sex with over 20 men, mostly during drunken nights out,

By the time I got to her she was a classic good girl / covert narcissist with the exception of her strange sexual behaviors.

I also noticed that when she got off sexually it was strange for me. On the rare, and I mean rare occasion that she got on top of me, she would nearly choke me with her elbow and was very rigid, almost like she was riding a vibrator with no regard for the fact that an actual human being was below her.

Very strange signs that I ignored and accepted due to her overall facade of being a great, put together, strong and successful woman.

I'm not sure about everything you said but the part about expensive hotels makes sense. I am asexual but I will do things with my husband if he buys me a bunch of stuff. I'm attracted to money, not people.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one with NPD who has a really high sex drive. I've never avoided sex, well, except with people I don't want to have sex with. Sex has always been a way for me to get supply. I've always been told it's mind-blowing. I do get bored and less turned on with "vanilla" sex though. That's a complaint I have with my fiancé. The sex is really good, and it does also provide me with supply, but not enough. He just doesn't seem like he's as into it as everyone else did. He says he's just not into acting like that, but it actually makes me really irritated with him. He also doesn't want to get out of the house. He isn't exciting, and I like exciting sex. I've tried to have sex with him at parties, outside, in the car...he won't do it. It's really frustrating because that's what I like.

Interesting similarity with public or exciting sex. Is it the fear of true intimacy and love that makes regular sex boring for you? Realize that my ex justified part of the discard phase by stating I didn't meet her sexual needs with adventure.. Be aware of this before you take the plunge. I'd venture to guess that most men get over risky sexual scenarios after the idealization phase.

-- Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:43 am --

Interesting similarity with public or exciting sex. Is it the fear of true intimacy and love that makes regular sex boring for you? Realize that my ex justified part of the discard phase by stating I didn't meet her sexual needs with adventure.. Be aware of this before you take the plunge. I'd venture to guess that most men get over risky sexual scenarios after the idealization phase.

DCEE wrote:Interesting similarity with public or exciting sex. Is it the fear of true intimacy and love that makes regular sex boring for you? Realize that my ex justified part of the discard phase by stating I didn't meet her sexual needs with adventure.. Be aware of this before you take the plunge. I'd venture to guess that most men get over risky sexual scenarios after the idealization phase.

I don't necessarily fear intimacy, and I do love my fiancé (yes, an N can love, even if it's in our own way). I guess I just don't relate intimacy and sex. To me, intimate moments are cuddling, holding hands, kissing and things like that. Closeness, basically. Sex is about excitement, pleasure, and supply for me. It's still important to me in a relationship, but I don't relate warm fuzzy feelings and romance to it, therefore the more conventional, at home in bed together type of sex doesn't quite excite me as much. It's kind of boring, so I may be less likely to initiate sex when we're sitting at home than when we're elsewhere, but I'm not going to turn it down. That being said, I consider sex to be an issue within our relationship because he isn't open to the things I want to do sexually. Because it is a form of supply for me, I have felt the urge to look elsewhere, but I've kept that urge under control. Like I said, I do love him, and we have a child together.

To the OP: your NPD ex-wife was displaying some common NPD tendencies and behaviors when it comes to sex.

1) Regarding the way your wife had sex with you as if you were just her vibrator, NPDs often use their partner as essentially a masturbation device. I used to use my Borderline girlfriend that way. I'm not sure why. It was almost as if I couldn't deal with opening myself up to another person like that. This may go to the NPD's fear of intimacy and/or the NPD's inability to trust anyone else, as the NPD's core is one comprised of fear and issues pertaining to power.

2) Many NPDs seem unable to be turned on by sex that is vanilla, and need a situation where they're being "bad" to be sexually aroused, hence your ex's preference for sexually risky situations. Personally, I am especially turned on by the idea of seducing or being seduced by married women, women who are significantly younger or older than me to the point where it would be scandalous, or situations involving BDSM and fetish play. The idea of having loving sex with a woman who is my equal where we share intimacy and love seems offputting for some reason.

My ex N used to tremble/shake from head to toe with desire for me; said I was the only one who ever caused this reaction ( hmmmm....)
I have read 100's of posts/articles on Narcissism and the traits that N's have in common. Only one poster described this as a trait in her ex N.
It is not really something one can fake, so I do wonder what it was all about.
Perhaps its because I denied him access to my body, so often......

Narcissists tell lies?

doodler wrote:My ex N used to tremble/shake from head to toe with desire for me; said I was the only one who ever caused this reaction ( hmmmm....)
I have read 100's of posts/articles on Narcissism and the traits that N's have in common. Only one poster described this as a trait in her ex N.
It is not really something one can fake, so I do wonder what it was all about.
Perhaps its because I denied him access to my body, so often......

This is exactly why NPDs are afraid to allow themselves to open up to other people in a sexually intimate way. Look at the way you described your impact on your ex, and think about how an NPD would view that kind of power dynamic. The NPD would feel powerless, and would feel a total loss of control. Those are two things that the NPD hates, because the NPD is animated by fear and by a lack of trust in others.

I never really lie about why I don't want to have sex. I'm asexual, and most times when I say that men kind of laugh and go on with the speech I'm not doing things right. Then we do whatever...and I'm still surprisingly asexual...

I only have sex because it makes the man happy. There's hidden agenda's behind every time I have sex. I want something. But I plot and plan...unlike Lily I wouldn't wait until I got into the expensive hotel to have sex. I would do it beforehand so it didn't look like I was just doing it to get the material item, even though I do. That just makes you look like a total gold digger, which is not what I like to portray.