Covert narcissists and sex

Lilycat10 wrote:I'm not sure about everything you said but the part about expensive hotels makes sense. I am asexual but I will do things with my husband if he buys me a bunch of stuff. I'm attracted to money, not people.

Maybe it would be better, attracted to powerful people submitting to you? (giving you money, attention, time)

doodler wrote:My ex N used to tremble/shake from head to toe with desire for me; said I was the only one who ever caused this reaction ( hmmmm....)
I have read 100's of posts/articles on Narcissism and the traits that N's have in common. Only one poster described this as a trait in her ex N.
It is not really something one can fake, so I do wonder what it was all about.
Perhaps its because I denied him access to my body, so often......

I described this as my trait. Last time my wife came from being a week at her parents(200 miles away) I trembled as we spooned naked. I like hugging and the more surface area is touching the more intense this is. Obviously after a week of her not being here it was even more intense.

I think I am very sensitive realy and this caused my PD. My sensitivity could not exist in this crappy world.
Senses like touch and smell break through because there's a lot less built "barriers" against those, they are direct, especially smell, it doesn't even go through the hypothalamus as other do. I love smelling her hair. I feel it is a way for me to actually feel intimacy despite my PD. Only some senses. The fact that I'm lifelong deprived of intimacy and maybe also deep down very sensitive I think causes this reaction in me.

I am very sensitive to touch and very movement coordinated. I spend like 20-30 minutes a day "caressing"(barely touching her and moving slowly with several fingertips in interesting directions, sometimes not even touching but like there's so little space between that "energy"/ still transfers) her with my fingertips, causing her to slightly get goosebumps. She enjoys it a lot. I literally feel what she feels. I know when I made her itch and "fix" it before she manages to scratch. I for example can not take this same caressing, I do not enjoy it, it is too intense for me. Touching all kinds of fabrics with my fingertips make me cringe..... anyway... that's my 2 cents.

perfectlynumb22 wrote:Narcissists tell lies?

people lie to have sex.

/thread

Im a very sensitive person too. Looking back on my youth years I rarely had 'one night stands'. Im essentially monogamic. I can count the women had sex with the fingers of one hand.

Recently, the last time me and my wife were apart (separated) i actually tried to meet other women for sex and it was a total failure, theres also the fact that I've been 'bad' interacting with females all my life, especially if they are attractive. I've been in situations (nights, clubs, festivals, etc) where the girl is obviously signaling for some interaction and development in order to 'get things going' and I was completely unaware at that time or I just simply 'freeze' by the situation.

I cant have sex without some sort of intimacy, at least is my perception, but as a big contradiction I dont think it would be a problem if I went to a brothel and payed for it, though it never happened.

pinkluver101105 wrote:I only have sex because it makes the man happy.

Whoa there -- this is me, but with women.

To go a step further, it's not because I want them to be happy, but rather because I want them to come to me (pun intended) when they want to feel happy.

I'm pretty sure I was in love with a woman once, though, and sex with her was a bit different in a hard-to-explain way. And then I forgot to let her finish and fell asleep. GO TEAM

My ex was a lot like DCEE's. He would basically crush me when he was on top and would not look at me at all. I pretty much felt like a blow up doll. It went from that to him devaluing me and not having sex to after the devalue phase, when everything was said and done and the relationship was pretty much over (I was stuck after the hurricane, couldn't leave...all around, really great timing for NPD devalue and rage - we had sex for about a week before I left and overhearing a conversation with his best friend and something he ended up telling me later was it was the best sex of his life. And he was very different that week. It was almost like he was present for once and it felt intimate. Can someone explain what made it different for him? Was it the whole idea of him being able to let his guard down and not having to put up a front? At this point there was really nothing to lose being that the relationship was over and I was moving 3,000 miles away.

doodler wrote:My ex N used to tremble/shake from head to toe with desire for me; said I was the only one who ever caused this reaction ( hmmmm....)
I have read 100's of posts/articles on Narcissism and the traits that N's have in common. Only one poster described this as a trait in her ex N.
It is not really something one can fake, so I do wonder what it was all about.
Perhaps its because I denied him access to my body, so often......

My ex N had that too!
Or we both had it, the sexual connection was strong. That's one of the main reasons I hanged on to that relationship.

perfectlynumb22 wrote:Narcissists tell lies?

Never.

Plural wrote:My ex was a lot like DCEE's. He would basically crush me when he was on top and would not look at me at all. I pretty much felt like a blow up doll. It went from that to him devaluing me and not having sex to after the devalue phase, when everything was said and done and the relationship was pretty much over (I was stuck after the hurricane, couldn't leave...all around, really great timing for NPD devalue and rage - we had sex for about a week before I left and overhearing a conversation with his best friend and something he ended up telling me later was it was the best sex of his life. And he was very different that week. It was almost like he was present for once and it felt intimate. Can someone explain what made it different for him? Was it the whole idea of him being able to let his guard down and not having to put up a front? At this point there was really nothing to lose being that the relationship was over and I was moving 3,000 miles away.

Yep. This happened to me with one of my exes. Once we ended the relationship and she became a f*** buddy, then all of the sudden the sex was "good" again. This is for two reasons.

1) The NPD male often has a Madonna/whore complex, and when he was in a relationship with you, you became his mother and thus could not be defiled with something like sex. When you were in the relationship with him, you were an object that he was supposed to "love," and a man with the Madonna/whore complex separates love and sex and has trouble combining them. An alternate but similar possibility is that his superego has provided him with a rigid values system that made him view the sex with you as "dirty" when you were his girlfriend, trying to build a home with him on the up and up. But once you broke up, you were just another whore, existing outside of the values system enforced on him by his superego.

2) Once you two broke up and the facade of a relationship ended, he no longer had to worry about you consuming his identity or threatening his autonomy. Like any good NPD, he wanted to be free to have sex with other women, abruptly move across the country at will, or quit his job on a whim, and those things are threatened by a woman who starts to build a life with the NPD man. The closer you got to him the more he wanted to run.

VirginiaEsquire wrote:An alternate but similar possibility is that his superego has provided him with a rigid values system that made him view the sex with you as "dirty" when you were his girlfriend, trying to build a home with him on the up and up.

This is triggering for me but I would very much appreciate a reply. "Dirty". Can you please explain that. Preferably in depth. Why does she become "dirty".