Apology

So I received a lengthy written apology from the EX, reflecting on the reasons I had written last week for why I had given up. It does seem she had read it all vs my previous belief that she simply blew it off yet again. Putting aside what to do about that, I am wondering now if she is sincere in having at least momentarily tried to see things from my point of view. She did explain where her head was at, and sorrow for not realizing she was hurting me over and over, sorrow for not listening when I tried to tell her over and over. Perhaps with nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain, she honestly did let it sink in, consider it, though I suppose it could be she is just telling me what I want to hear. Sincerity, or something else?

Thoughts appreciated.

xdude wrote:So I received a lengthy written apology from the EX, reflecting on the reasons I had written last week for why I had given up. It does seem she had read it all vs my previous belief that she simply blew it off yet again. Putting aside what to do about that, I am wondering now if she is sincere in having at least momentarily tried to see things from my point of view. She did explain where her head was at, and sorrow for not realizing she was hurting me over and over, sorrow for not listening when I tried to tell her over and over. Perhaps with nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain, she honestly did let it sink in, consider it, though I suppose it could be she is just telling me what I want to hear. Sincerity, or something else?

Thoughts appreciated.

I think it sounds like a legit FEELING of remorse but the remorse could be just a shallow emotion. Which paired with a quarter will get you a cup of coffee She has to translate it into actions before you can be sure that it is a legitimate apology.

My HPD never apologized to me in this way really. Generally it was blameshifting. I got a few bs "sorries" where she might have intellectually realized she did a bad thing but couldn't visualize how much it hurt me(not that I would ever let her know it) so it sounded extremely hollow and dismissive. One "apology" was after I confronted her after she ran off in my "boundaries" thread. She sobbed and sobbed and talked about how she is so crazy and so messed up and said "why do you still hang out with me!?" But the next day when I confronted her she said "I can do whatever the F*** I WANT" regarding her actual behavior Shallow emotions.

Xdude,

The real questions is: Do you strongly believe she is disordered?

DO NOT FALL 4 IT!!!!

She's sorry she was caught & sorry that she lost u. But this is superficial. Ass kissing. Bandages. Nothing more. Do not give in!!!


My 2c

Normally I agree with nearly everything Alice says.

And whilst not necessarily disagreeing, I will pose a question.

A delayed response from a HPD is often the scenario of reading what was written... Putting it away... Going back a couple of says later... Re-reading... And actually thinking about it.

Yes, she probably was sorry for getting court (that, there is no doubt).

But, are you saying HPDs can;t be sorry for getting caught, yet, deep down, realise (upon serious thinking - this would never happen on spur of the moment) that what the other person said is right and feeling some sense of acknowledgement that they are wrong?

It doesn't mean the HPD would never repeat such action all over again as instincts and reactions often outweigh morals and a logical thought process.

Anyhow... Just a thought... Carry on

xdude wrote:So I received a lengthy written apology from the EX, reflecting on the reasons I had written last week for why I had given up. It does seem she had read it all vs my previous belief that she simply blew it off yet again. Putting aside what to do about that, I am wondering now if she is sincere in having at least momentarily tried to see things from my point of view. She did explain where her head was at, and sorrow for not realizing she was hurting me over and over, sorrow for not listening when I tried to tell her over and over. Perhaps with nothing to lose, and possibly something to gain, she honestly did let it sink in, consider it, though I suppose it could be she is just telling me what I want to hear. Sincerity, or something else?

Thoughts appreciated.

LoL For once Alice said something that sounds legit. Don't fall for it. The "sincere" apology is nothing new. There's 2 reasons they usually do this: 1. As a tactic to pull back the supply that's about to get away.. We know how "horrible" this is for them... and 2. As a tactic to con you into 'forgiving' them.. and thus enabling them (in their minds) to keep doing their thing.

Possibility number one is pretty straight forward.. Number 2 is particularly devious because we nons usually have some part in their game... and there's always some mitigating side that a gracious person can come up with to soften someone's guilt. HPD's are usually well above average in intelligence, so are aware of this.. Will fish for the 'mitigation' when they're faced with their own b.s... It's just another form of "supply", and when they get it.. "poof" they're off again.

My advice would be to thank her for the apology, wish her well and maintain N.C. (if that's what you're doing) Playing into the apology ploy is a no-win all around. Being gracious will only enable her, and NOT being gracious will enable her to think: "He's a crude a--hole! Maybe I'm not so crazy after all..".. or some similar mental masturbation.

cacster -

My initial reaction matches yours; that it is possible that upon reflection, some of it sank in (or she knew it all along on some level, but reaching a point of open acknowledgement required reaching the point of there being no other option). However as you also wrote, that doesn't mean anything would change long term either since her core personality has not, and cannot be changed over night. I agree with what you wrote about reactions/instincts, those are very hard to really change.

Well Xdude..

If you strongly feel she is disordered, than you know, an opology doesn't change a thing.

She is still disordered. Someone disordered, does not change over night or in a couple weeks, even if they have a moment of regret.

It takes years and many years to be in control if it. Even if in control of it, they will always struggle.

If you do write her back. Recommend, therapy for her, if you truly think she is disordered.

Actions speak louder than words.

OK

Thanks to all that responded.

The short answer is that there were multiple criteria that matched, and her apology was not in response to all of that, just in response to some deal-breaking moments for me. I really didn't expect an apology so was rather surprised.

OK I'll send you a PM.

I think HPDs do sometimes regret their actions and can appologise sincerely. I also think that they are too scared to do this unless pushed as once they start admitting they have done something wrong then they are admitting that the image they have of created of themselves is wrong.

I feel that they create a fantasy world of how things should be and when the real world doesnt match this they are dissapointed. Everything they do is done to bury the hurt/anguish that is at the core of them. By admitting they are wrong they are revealing their true self which is something that they dont want to do.

I believe that they realise they are doing wrong and do regrett it on a certain level. If they didnt think they were doing anything wrong then why would they go to such great lengths to hide it?

This is only my thoughts on the matter based on my experience with my ex. Towards the end she opened up even though at the time I didnt realise what she was actually meaning. When I confronted her about a theft she eventually after a lot of screaming and shouting admitted doing it. After she calmed down there was a moment when she was different her eyes went soft and she started to say things like "Ive turned into someone who isnt nice and who you wouldnt like" and "Ive brought all of this on myself". She even said that she wished she could run away and start her life all over again away from people who knew her and knew what she had done. I know people will be cynical and say she was just playing the game but I personally believe she was showing regret for her actions. She never tried to use these lines on me again unlike the ones I had fallen for time and again and never since have I seen the sad look of despair in her eyes.