dating "rules" for HPDs?

Okay, i can not bother friends with problems, i can try not to create drama, but i just can't stay away from men. I want to date so i can find a partner, but i don't want to hurt anyone. Are there particular rules i need to follow?

The only rule I can think of is to know the person and be attentive to their pain. They are the ones that will tell you what they can take and not take.
And expect the same from the other.
Everybody is different, you have to adapt and be truthful and caring.

I would say that first you need to understand your own personal boundries- what they are, why you have them, what they do for you, and remain firm in them which will keep you true to yourself and your own goals; so that you don'tget lost in a man...

If you're anything like me EC, you want your partner to be completely happy and pleased at all times, which can sometimes at our expense because we're willing to make sacrifices to ensure thier happiness at any cost.

We do this willingly because we want to make them happy, but it makes us suffer in the end because rarely are our partners willing to make the same efforts for our needs. (it's my own theory that this essentially why HPD's tend to favor Narcs and Sociopaths because they're so selfsih and self endulgent they enjoy the way HPD's worship them and they usually spend a long time looking for the right woman who will...) The problem is that we give too much and expect the same in return- we'll never get it though because the guys we're attracted to are the type that won't give it back.

So yeah, boundries are important before you enter in to a realtionship. Descover them/establish them, keep tabs on them and evaluate yours self/the relationship acording to your set boundries, and stick to them for yourself- WITH out guilt!

Good luck to you and be good to yourself- k?

Thanks you two. I have had some weird dating experiences lately, and it always seems I have multiple men in my life. I'm not sleeping with them, mind you, but they are there - 1) my ex narc, who I still love and sometimes hope he will come back; 2) the vacation fling from south america - i still communicate with the "other woman" - god knows why, and am sort of pissed off that she's still with him. I want another chance; 3) this guy I used to sleep with but won't anymore because he was disrespectful to me. He's a much better friend if I don't sleep with him; and 4) a guy I've dated a couple times who I have great chemistry with - he's my age, kisses well, etc. I'm just not sure he's "right" for me - we get along well, I'm just not head over heels; and 5) the ex-boyfriend I've known for 15 years who I'm flying down (he lives in another state) to spend a few days with the second week of August. I like him, but he regularly pisses me off. We are good friends, but might have sex - I don't know. God, I don't know why I can't just deal with one at a time.

Oneliner - no problem with being truthful and caring - I just don't want to be TOO truthful and reveal too much with someone new. And I can't let go of the old ones - I don't know why.

Alice - you have hit the nail on the head. I give WAY too much. I do need to be true to myself. I'm not totally sure about this trip to see the ex. He is not particularly sweet or attentive. I feel like he's using me - I don't feel like he's my true "friend." I

I've noticed that sometimes when I'm really stressed out or have had a bad day, I just want to get lost in the man-thing. I want to go out and have drinks and do some kissing. It's exciting and helps me forget about my problems. It worries me a lot. But I feel so lonely sometimes. So unimportant and just plain BORED.

God, the nons are going to tear me up on this one - typical HPD slut drama.

Alice has a good point. A gift should be free and not something you expect back.

There is a lot of people, me included that would take offense on being #7 or something. If you cannot let those old flings die, then you should be honest about them. Otherwise, it is like cheating in my book anyway. Some might not care though, it depends on the type of relationship they are looking for.
Being truthful does not mean to tell everything about yourself, but knowing what is important. I guess that is part of the caring thing. I am not good at relationships, so I cannot really help too much.

Yeah, I'm not good in relationships either (obviously). I'm currently drunk and internet stalking my ex narc, wondering how he can possibly look so happy in pictures without me lol. Do you think he thinks about me at all? Remembers anything good about us? Sad to think that I was never anything to him.

The guys aren't ranked - they're just in my head. I guess #1 in my heart would be the summer fling and my ex narc, both of which are completely unattainable - maybe that's why I'm so interested. The guy I've been out with a few times and kissed is the most important I guess, as he's possible relationship material. I don't know. Still trying to figure it out. Not sure - shouldn't you be sure? Like BOOM the right guy hits you in the head and you are like WOWZA I am now in love. It was like that with both summer fling and ex narc. Too good to be true.

I get tired. Tired of being lonely and tired of trying to figure out men and dating. Thing is, I've given up on friends and making new friends. I need to give up men too I think - it's just hard. I want to learn to be alone. But I don't want to be alone.

Completely nuts, I know.

You are not made to be alone. You are made to seek attention. That is never going to change. You can learn to deal better with isolation and no attention though, that would be good. But you will never be an hermit and happy, I am pretty sure.
It does not matter whether you actually yourself rank the relationships. What matters is that if I were to date, I would expect to be #1, plain and simple. And that means no #2 of note, except as a memory.
But if you were to actually hope of getting those old relationships back, I would consider that to be active relationships, and since I came after, I would be #2, or #7, whatever, but not #1.
I am pretty sure most people think like that, unless they only want a fling or something.
I doubt your narc is thinking about you in a good way, if he is. So probably better for you to forget. He moved on, and let's be realistic, even if he were to come back, probably you would be so pissed at the whole past, that you would torture him to no end. There is no coming back on those type of things. Trust cannot be regained easily, and for a narc, almost impossible.

OneLiner wrote:You are not made to be alone. You are made to seek attention. That is never going to change. You can learn to deal better with isolation and no attention though, that would be good. But you will never be an hermit and happy, I am pretty sure.

This is so unfortunate. I was hoping to be completely people-free, since I can't figure any of them out. That would be easiest - just not to ever have to deal with anyone.

I get what you are saying about the ranking. It's just hard for me to let go of the past - particularly when I'm rejected. That's the trick I think - to realize that rejection is not about me entirely. I've been thinking lately "well, I'm so new and improved, my narc would of course want me NOW." DUUUHHH He's just in my head because we work together and I have to go back to work in a few weeks. I need to just come to terms with the fact that he's in my head and keep him there - no talking or acting where he's concerned. Silence. No Contact. He's so toxic to me.

OneLiner wrote:I doubt your narc is thinking about you in a good way, if he is.

Well that sucks. This is huge pity party tonight lol.

How could you not think about me in a good way? I'm so fabulous. Gorgeous - smart - sophisticated - worldly - gorgeous Really though, I was a good girlfriend in a lot of ways. What a jerk.

expressivecreative wrote:God, the nons are going to tear me up on this one - typical HPD slut drama.

They better not because that wouldbe unfair to your learning process and very counter productive. If someone makes you feel bad, you reach out and go seeking comfort by doing that which gives you comfort (men) so if anyone makes you like crap about your past (even the present as you're still confused and in limbo with your life) it's just gonna force to do the same thing they don't want you to do- right?

If someone tells you 'NO' you'll do it- not just anyways, but bigger, badder, faster, harder just to prove that you can and they don't have control over you- correct???

Guilt tripping a PD never works.


It sounds to me (in that post you made) like what you've got with guys is another variation of the type of men we keep around us. They're not 'FANS', they're not 'FISH' they're not the 'BF/Main Squeeze' what they are is (what I affectionally call my 'FU(KERS') more so a booty call/companionship type of thing...

You'll seek them out when you need their physical contact and to have someone comfort you through that contact and their attention. Sexual acts with mimic support that we otherwise lack in our lives. You're filling a void with these guys. If they left you would be sad, not because of them; but because you're now down one less booty call when you need someone to be there for you.

You collect these guys and often they are XBF's that you keep on hand so that you can have them when you need them later in life. The bigger the 'collection' the better the chance of having someone available to fill your needs when YOU need it- not when they have time.

I would imagine that when something goes wrong, you refer to your mental list of men and think about who's in town/who's at work/who's most likely to be free at that moment and make your texts, emails, and phone calls based on avilablity of those of the list rather than favorites.

Sure we have our 'favorites' and that's they guy you think of first, but if he's not avialable, you do the list in your mind to see who can be there fastest and take him for that moment when you need him.

The Fu(kers too, serve a purpose (just as fish and fans do) in that they can be amotional support (someone to talk to) companionship (have some fun with) physical intimacy (sex in place of tenderness) and all of this without having to get too close to them- which makes sure you don't get hurt by them because there's no love there. It's a friendship of conviniance.

Now- there's nothing wrong with your fu(kers and using them for your needs when your single. BUT when you have a BF it's not fair to him that do that. which means if you need support you have to wait for him and that adds to stress in your relationship and causes drama- right?
When you get needy and he's not there quick enough things get pretty tense and emotional???
you feel unloved, un cared for, un important and un supported- worthless and in turn impacts your need to get support which can at times lead to cheating on the one you love.

this is were self soothing, self regulating your emotions and building up a good network of (non sexual) support can come in handy.

You would be surprised how many of your fu(kers will be that emotional support without having it lead to sex! That caring companionship you share with them is more prized than you think. you don't have to have sex with them to get that support- yes you want to and I understand you want to because it makes it go away all the fast and more fully. But you should try and stop looking for the quick fix and the full fix all time.

Our emotions are all very extreme and we don't know how to be a 'little bit this and little bit that' it's always all or nothing. You can be a little bit sad sometimes... Using your fu(kers to take the edge of that sadness, madness, whatever your feeling; through talking to them and even hanging out in public places were sex can't happen- can help you feel better. Not fine and dandy again, but less negative then yuo were before hand.



So agin, this goes back to YOUR boundries- and you need to establish them with everyone, even your fu(kers. They need to know that sometimes there's sex, or kissing, whatever, and sometimes it's just as friends. When you're dating someone exclusively- it's friendship ONLY and if they can't except that they have to go!

Some may leave and some will stay.
But you're being true to yourself, your boundries and the new guy by making that stand and holding your ground.

Sorry that was long- but lots of explaining to do to have it make sense.

@expressivecreative
Like you said, it is not necessarily about you, but the relationship. You should concentrate on that, and not on the individual (whether you or him). Not everybody is meant for everybody, a failure in relationship does not mean anything about your own worth. Not everybody will like your life choices and style, or personality. You can't please everybody. And in fact, it is better not to please everybody, since like you said, some people are toxic. Toxic people should be avoided and not pleased. Otherwise, they may stick and poison.