Breaking the NC after 9 months.

I'm kinda where you are at, stars. I feel a certain fondness for the times I had with my HPD friend, and I also feel some sympathy for her because her life is such a wreck right now. I can't say I've ever considered contacting her again, though, just because I know what will eventually happen - she'll 'play nice' for awhile, perhaps we'd even have a few more good times, she'd offer up half-hearted 'apologies' such as "I'm sorry you were so offended by my behavior." (which is really just spin, she's basically blaming you for getting angry over something you had every right to be angry about.)

after the 'playing nice', though, then the subtle manipulations would start up again, and gradually build until an atrocious falling out occurs again. I've decided that for me, I personally don't have the emotional energy to deal with all of that right now. no one should have to deal with it, regardless of whether they have the energy or not. the thing is, she probably hasn't changed.

I guess I believe that possibly my HPD friend 'might' change, if she's forced to see that her behavior has cost her all of her friends and her lovers. If people keep going back to her, they're just feeding into the sickness. while people might have noble intentions to help her and heal her, that is just not going to work unless she sees how destructive her behavior is on her own, and takes her own steps to heal.

CptSaveAho wrote:That's the Randian conception, anyway. I reject it. Perhaps you have never gritted your teeth while doing the "right" thing and then suffered the severe and predictable consequences from it?

I don't know if it's that concept, but we do like to see ourselves in the best possible light. Let's put it like this. If she was very unattractive, but the same personality, odds are the right thing would have started out with ignoring her as if she never existed. We guys can be extremely blind to how driven we are by sexual attraction and convince ourselves of a lot of things, but really we'd treat the same woman with the same behaviors very differently if we found her physically unattractive. If nothing else, its the physical attraction and possibility that it may lead to sex that has striving so hard to save a relationship that we'd otherwise just write off as intolerable. But again, it's hard to see ourselves in this light. We all like to believe we're altruists, victims, just doing the 'right' thing, etc.

I guess I don't see anything wrong with two humans in a relationship both getting something out of it. That doesn't mean it's not love to me. I don't have any problem with love being a mutually beneficial matter in which both parties feel greater than they would alone. It's when the giving/receiving is one-sided, or lopsided that eventually one party or the other gives up. After all we all could have just said 'I love you just as you are, and because of that you go on and have your emotional/physical affairs because that's what you need' Except we didn't.

I will tell you I spent much of my life trying to 'save' my BPD mother. I really believed I was doing it for her. I still do on some level, but I also realized I was doing it for me too. Once I focused more on that, and less on seeing myself as a martyr for a righteous cause, I realized nobody selected me to be a martyr but myself. Really if anyone cared, there is a whole world full of people who could step up, including the one person most affected, herself. As it turns out, sometimes the best thing one can do is let go. Let the other person sink or swim. The may sink, the probably well sink, but by remaining co-dependent they may never reach the point where they take the step they need to take themselves, and choose to get help. So in a way, I was part/cause of the her problem even though it's very hard to view myself like that.

I guess because I am more hormonal, but she and I are in similar places in our life right now. Regardless of how I think it's super ###$ up she reached this place in her life so similar to mine, I know that it's something she's always wanted, and I am one of those people who believe that no matter what a person has done in their life they do deserve to be happy. I guess in my mind I am just imagining that if she is in a happy place, that means she must have changed. Not necessarily true, but this might be my hormones talking.
What triggered my thoughts of fondness were when I was baby clothes shopping I did see some outfits that reminded me of things that she likes, and she is pregnant as well. I thought "aww...."HPD" would love that for her baby." and that kinda set my nostalgia flowing. I had a moment of thinking I should reach out to her and let her know of these super cute things I found. But on the other hand, I have had zero contact with her since she got a boyfriend, engaged, and pregnant (all in less than 6 months).
Also, our husband have the same job which require them to be gone from home a lot, even during the birth of our children. So, my empathy goes out to her. I am fortunate enough to have wonderful friends that are coming to stay with me while I do this, and I know that she has absolutely nobody. Her family cannot afford it, but then again, she might have her new husband pay for them to come? Who knows? NOT that I would be able to offer much more support seeing as I too will have a newborn. My baby is due in 2 weeks, her's isn't till Dec.
I guess I just hate to see anyone, even her, go at this alone. I don't want to rekindle a friendship, I guess I just like to know that she's okay, and if there was some sort of emergency that regardless of the past, I would try and help. I know that is not going to happen. I know I would be taken advantage of, and I know my husband would probably divorce me if I even exchanged an email with this woman.

definitely normal to feel nostalgic when you're a bit hormonal! lol. when I was preggo I cried watching a sappy commercial. and I definitely found myself to be much more sentimental and nostalgic than I ever was before.

I wouldn't worry too much about your HPD friend - she is HPD, after all, she WILL find someone to caretake for this baby. She'll probably manage to milk a lot of attention out of it, too, as well as make herself out to be a martyr for 'doing everything' for the baby. you can bank on it. don't worry about her, she can take care of herself. but, I get why you would feel sentimental about her.

Starsandstripes wrote:our husband have the same job which require them to be gone from home a lot, even during the birth of our children.

She will probably be making the most of that scenario, I wouldn't feel too bad for her.

You are both correct. She will find someone to take care of the baby. The guy she married is already twice divorced and has 2 other kids. So this is his 3rd marriage and 3rd baby, and he's not even 30.

It was surprising when I found out that in 6 months time she got a boyfriend, moved in, got pregnant, got engaged, announced the pregnancy, then got married. That's a busy 6 months.

Starsandstripes wrote:You are both correct. She will find someone to take care of the baby. The guy she married is already twice divorced and has 2 other kids. So this is his 3rd marriage and 3rd baby, and he's not even 30.

It was surprising when I found out that in 6 months time she got a boyfriend, moved in, got pregnant, got engaged, announced the pregnancy, then got married. That's a busy 6 months.

It almost sounds like you're talkin about MY ex. LoL The 2ndary dsm criteria that HPD's "move rapidly from relationship to relationship" is misleading. (IMO) In reality the gap between relationships is generally zero because they usually have 4 or 5 dudes warmin up in the bullpen.