Breaking the NC after 9 months.

So, I have been having some thoughts lately, probably brought on by all the hormones in my body, but still, they are there, and I need some advice.
I started NC with my ExHPDfriend 9 months ago after some things that were done. It wasn't our first go round with a falling out, but this time it was more personal. Since then she had tried to call me, I ignored, and she tried to threaten me with going to the cops and reporting an item stolen that she had given me as a gift. In front of other people. She has also exuded some very SWF behavior. Still knowing all this, I feel like so much time has passed, that I catch myself seeing things that remind me of her, and thinking fondly. Then I think "oh, well, I should email me her and just tell her I hope she's doing well." And then I think that might be the dumbest idea ever.
I guess I just hate that the feelings have went from disgust, to indifference, to annoyance, to hopes of well being. In some ways I wish that there was a way to be civil and not feel like there is still some pent up animosity...I think that's because right now I'm remembering the good parts.
Advice?

Stars wrote: : Since then she had tried to call me, I ignored, and she tried to threaten me with going to the cops and reporting an item stolen that she had given me as a gift.

She is nuts and I suggest you get some new friends.

I for one can relate, but do NOT break NC. Not worth it. She will laugh at you if you do.

Well, I do have new friends, so it's not like loneliness is the issue and I'm just sitting here pining over her. It was just that I was feeling nostalgic about the friendship I USED to have with her and when I saw some items that reminded me of her, I thought "I hope she's well."

I know that I shouldn't break the NC. It really isn't worth it, you're right joliver. I don't know if she would laugh at me for doing so, but I know that she would feel some sort of one-uppance in the situation. And while I'm not really looking for a pissing match of any sort, I guess I had a momentary laps of thinking that I could be pleasant or wish her well, and that be okay.

Well Stars..it is difficult to erase anyone from your memory and good you remember the good times from time to time. That is normal. Eventually though, you will hit a level of indifference where you will feel no urge to contact. Re-contact always seems to cause more hurt. Best not too.

My feeling is you've healed some and so it's understandable that some of the negative feelings that brought you to the point of NC to begin with have diminished. Of course that was the whole point of going NC, to separate yourself from a situation that was hurting you, and heal.

Okay so if this wasn't a person, but a stove top on which you had burned your hand repeatedly, you wouldn't expect to be able to go back 9 months later, put your hand on the stove again and expect not to be burned again, even if the burns of 9 months ago hurt less today. But I suppose that is an imperfect analogy. A better one might be the analogy of using an addictive drug. Remembering the good feelings the drug gave, but forgetting about all the painful/unhealthy side effects. Analogies aside -

If she hasn't changed, what do you believe will happen this time around that will be different than 9 months ago?

Maybe you're feeling you are better able to handle her? Or can be friends and not become emotionally involved? Or maybe you're hoping she has changed? I don't know what you're feeling, or if you are feeling or what is really motivating you to re-contact her, but whatever it is, you should figure that out first. Once you understand what is motivating you to contact her again you'll be in a better position to understand what you are hoping to get out of it. Just don't forget that because you are feeling less hurt today, because you've healed some, doesn't mean you can't be hurt all over again.

I think it's the natural human instinct to avoid thinking about the painful memories when there's also good times to reflect on..... It sounds like you've got a handle on just why that can lead to history repeating itself. If there were a way to guarantee that the well wishing contact would STAY simple and casual I'd say go for it. The sentiment can be a healthy closure to a bad period, but.... She'll sll be as histrionic now as she was then.. and even a small window will be pounced on by her. Remember the HPD's need to reconquer.

Starsandstripes wrote:I guess I just hate that the feelings have went from disgust, to indifference, to annoyance, to hopes of well being. In some ways I wish that there was a way to be civil and not feel like there is still some pent up animosity...I think that's because right now I'm remembering the good parts.
Advice?

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My natural frame of mind towards my HPD is compassion, that is what comes after indifference for me. Only allowing myself to detest her leads me to actively avoid her. Its probably better to keep reminding yourself of all the bad times.

Nothing wrong with compassion. I even have a degree of compassion for sociopaths because I don't know exactly what they've been through, nor how their brain is wired, but I still don't befriend them because I know that the compassion is not mutual. I know that, even if it mildly touched them, they'd end up using me as a resource and think nothing of it once I was of no more use. They might not see it like that, but that's often the life long pattern of a sociopath.

Really though we need to be honest with ourselves. We all do things on some level because we get something out of it. Even if it's just to feel better about ourselves, there is something we get out of choosing to interact with others. Maybe all the OP wants to get out of it is to prove to himself he is stronger this time around, but whatever it is, figuring that out is key. As long as there is a belief it is being done for her benefit it is all too easy to become deluded and hurt all over again.

xdude wrote:Really though we need to be honest with ourselves. We all do things on some level because we get something out of it. Even if it's just to feel better about ourselves, there is something we get out of choosing to interact with others.

That's the Randian conception, anyway. I reject it. Perhaps you have never gritted your teeth while doing the "right" thing and then suffered the severe and predictable consequences from it?

That is not to say that in THIS particular HPD scenario that there are not secret motivations, there often are. Testing your own emotional strength, as you point out, is certainly is one of them.