So what lesson have you learn?

What have those of you who been involve with a HPD (your ex friend, girlfriend, wife, etc) learned about yourself as a person after your relationship ended?

I have discovered that I can be a little bit narcissistic and have a few avoidance qualities. I believe that's why my ex was drawn to me. Fortunately, I don't have the disorders. However, I never consider myself to be "normal" at least in what society claims to be normal. It's good to have an answer to why I'm the kind of person I am. I learned what to look out for in future women whenever I'm ready to find a new woman to date seriously. I also learned to have lower tolerance for games and develop stronger boundaries. I'm still in recovery, but I can safely say I'm coming out a much stronger person. I was in a much darker place when I first came here. Now the light is more apparent. I won't say I would turn my ex gf away should the moment arise, but I don't think she would be able to break me if I did allowed contact. I would had been fresh meat two months ago.

That I have low self esteem at times. That I should stay away from women with daddy issues. That you can't make a ho a housewife.

I learned I need to trust my intuition more and start taking care of myself rather than take care of other people all the time. Also I learned more about what red flags to look out for when I start dating people. I still have a ways to go on self recovery but I think I will make it in the end.

I learned that women can be as untrustworthy as men. ha! I guess I'd always had my guard up around men to some extent, and 'expected' them to be devious, because I'd dated my share of d bags. I always felt comfortable in my female friendships and gave them all of my trust and loyalty. after being taken by an HPD woman, it definitely opened up my eyes that ''all females" are not trustworthy or deserving of loyalty.

I also learned that when something starts to 'feel off' about a situation, there's usually a reason. throughout all of my friend's gaslighting, I had this eerie sense of 'she's lying' but I could never prove it, thus I gave her the benefit of the doubt. before meeting her, I thought I was skeptical of people - sadly, after being around her, I'm even more skeptical than I was before. that can be a good or bad thing, depending on how you look at it.

I say it's good to be skeptical, Treetop. I believe in the phrase that trust must be earned not given. Unfortunately, we can't let our guard around people given how mess up the world is. A little skepticism is always good to have around new people.

I have learned that my self esteem should only come from me, within, not from outside or from another person. I have also learned that when a woman whom I have not seen in 30 years grabs my crotch at a football game, that I should RUN and not linger and "fall in love". I have also learned to be wary of females who ooze flattery and accolades. I have also learned that my family comes first and that happiness has been right under my nose the whole time.

What did i learn?:
> The true meaning of the words coy, devious, treachery, perfidy and lies
> That i was capable of loosing the "North" on my own personal compass in life due to someone elses bad influence
> That i felt emotionally raped/abused
> That i hurt people that really do love me to protect my sick relationship with this person.
> That i was then 38 and still naive and trusting
> That i was over idealistic (thanks the Brady Bunch, nahh just kidding... )
> That my gut feelings warned me and were absolutely right the one time i thought them wrong
> That orange flags most usually hide red ones. These come out sooner or later.
> That the best liar i ever came across convinced me she was telling the truth, and despite blatant proof to the contrary, managed it again and again
> That i was addicted to this person, that she wanted that, knew it and cultivated it
> That I knew i was in serious trouble with myself for the first time in my life
> That the serious trouble has created a new me, much stronger and resilient, but extremely bitter, angry and lacking trust in others (no doubt including very good people)
> That revenge makes no sense.
> That sooner or later she shall trip up on her own (she does not me to help that process... )
> That I had to treat my ex as poison and eliminate her from my life, and that it was the hardest thing to do.
> That I cannot allow myself to ever fall back into the addiction
> That intense sports, music and all kinds of daily life activities (that i sometimes forced myself to do) could put me back on the rails
> That the relationship lasted from October 2004 through January 2006. There was a me before the start of the relationship, and there is a me now. The 2 me's are completely different and cannot be compared.
> That i prefer the new me minus the anger and the bitterness
> How to end a relationship still in love.

LightZero wrote: I won't say I would turn my ex gf away should the moment arise, but I don't think she would be able to break me if I did allowed contact. I would had been fresh meat two months ago.

It will never be as bad as the first time because you have this forum as a crutch, but just look at my example. The more disaffected you are, the higher they raise the stakes. I went back to her repeatedly, as a lover and as a friend and the manipulations apparently never stopped. You still havent been through the "deluding myself into thinking its just about sex" post-honeymoon phase that most of us have been in, be thankful for that. But whatever you do, we will be here to support you. And if you DO go through that phase, make absolutely sure that you have other women on the side. I got cocky and had a few and let myself get sucked back in(for the third time) and I lost all those women and was stuck with her. Then she burned me bad and I came here.

-- Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:06 pm --

Musician924 wrote:
>That the best liar i ever came across convinced me she was telling the truth, and despite blatant proof to the contrary, managed it again and again

> How to end a relationship still in love.

I identify with everything you wrote, except I never learned how to end a relationship in love because she was always the one who ended it. Yeah I told her to piss off a few times, but that was after I was out of love and really just hurt and bitter and trying to get SOME sex as compensation for what she took from me.(sunk cost fallacy).

Also, I knew mine was lying very early on, but I didnt WANT to act on that, so I added my own lies to cover up for her fallacious ones. Like "Its ok, she's a slut, Ill just use her for sex" when I was still in love.

About trusting your gut...I had prior warnings but even barring those, there were some things she said(orange flags) like "I don't deserve you" within the first few weeks we were dating that made my gut SCREAM "get out!" I was going to break it off at least 5 times within the first month. Instead I let myself feel sorry for her and fell in "love".

-- Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:07 pm --

joliver54 wrote:I have also learned to be wary of females who ooze flattery and accolades. .

Joliver, you've done me and this forum a great service by emphasizing this point. Those Psalms about the "adulterous women" really hit home.

Thanks Capn for the wise words and also the kind words too. ( Proverbs CH 5 and CH 7 )

Musician924 wrote:What did i learn?:
> The true meaning of the words coy, devious, treachery, perfidy and lies
> That i was capable of loosing the "North" on my own personal compass in life due to someone elses bad influence
> That i felt emotionally raped/abused
> That i hurt people that really do love me to protect my sick relationship with this person.
> That i was then 38 and still naive and trusting
> That i was over idealistic (thanks the Brady Bunch, nahh just kidding... )
> That my gut feelings warned me and were absolutely right the one time i thought them wrong
> That orange flags most usually hide red ones. These come out sooner or later.
> That the best liar i ever came across convinced me she was telling the truth, and despite blatant proof to the contrary, managed it again and again
> That i was addicted to this person, that she wanted that, knew it and cultivated it
> That I knew i was in serious trouble with myself for the first time in my life
> That the serious trouble has created a new me, much stronger and resilient, but extremely bitter, angry and lacking trust in others (no doubt including very good people)
> That revenge makes no sense.
> That sooner or later she shall trip up on her own (she does not me to help that process... )
> That I had to treat my ex as poison and eliminate her from my life, and that it was the hardest thing to do.
> That I cannot allow myself to ever fall back into the addiction
> That intense sports, music and all kinds of daily life activities (that i sometimes forced myself to do) could put me back on the rails
> That the relationship lasted from October 2004 through January 2006. There was a me before the start of the relationship, and there is a me now. The 2 me's are completely different and cannot be compared.
> That i prefer the new me minus the anger and the bitterness
> How to end a relationship still in love.

What a profound list. It is this kind of deep thinking and application of truth that has made you a very different (and better, I think) man this side of the relationship...

Now, if you can only give your own heart the love and understanding it needs from you... so that it may dare to love again...

Lifesong