HPD's~ Be Aware of 'the TRAP'

Many of us right now are in a fragile place, a kind of darker place from our usual supperficial happiness and exuberance of energy, and because of this fragileness during these times of personal exploration and transition it is all too easy to fall prey to the TRAP!

I've done this countless times myself through the cycles of my life, and I now find myself on another upswing of feeling good, having validation, admiration, adoration, and hoards of complimentary attitudes and actions. Being recently invigorated with this infusion of over abundance of praise and free spirited fun- I feel like a million bucks!

I feel just like we all do when we're each in that moment; feeling the reverbing vibes of peoples affections towards us. I feel re affirmed, re assured and just WHOLE again... I feel wonderful and full of life, passion and musically me in the joyousness of it all. It really IS a wonderful feeling!!!

BUT (and this is where the trap comes in) although feeling these things is a good thing; it is easy to get lost in them!

We ALL do this, it's part of the disorder and our previous coping stratagies, our cycles. We get 'down and out- feel low' and we get angry/vengeful/cornered in, and seek the 'high' that brings us back up and out of the funk. It's a natural thing we do. It's OK to need affirmation and supportive feelings from others; but it's not a cure.

It's good to feel good about yourself, you should feel good about yourself because despite some of the negative things we do/have done in the past, we are all special and unique people- NON's and HPD's alike. We really are all wonderful in our own way. The difference though is that when we (HPD's) feel wonderful, we often forget that there is a much bigger problem behind that feeling, and THAT's the trap!

I caught myself doing this kind of thinking yesterday. I had a wonderful weekend, and it really lifted me up out of my recent funk. It just re affirmed me in a way I needed to feel valued/accepted. I caught myself feeling great in that feeeling, empowered and invigorated- ready to take on the world and give it the best me it can handle, and then some. I thought, jeez- this is great, and I totally missed this part of myself. I could just be this happy and care free forever... then it occuredto me, 'the Trap!' I was feeling the good feeling, and loving it. I was allowing other people's inamored pre ocupation with me, and all that complimentary praise oozing with the 'attention drug' and feeding my weak, starving ego dictate my mood and self worth all over again.

That is dangerous! Because if we allow others give us our own sense of value, we become powerless to devaluation by others, as well as unable to sustain ourselves, by ourselves, and the cycle continues...

So the Trap does a few things:

1. It makes you feel wonderful and without worry. This can cause us to stop working on ourselves and fall back into the the cycle of self destruction. We think we're 'fixed', 'better', and 'don't need therapy anymore' because we honestly do feel great! This is not true- it is a temporary happiness and it will not last. Focus on improving yourself and being happy while you do so as much as you can; but don't be tricked into thinking you're done with this process. It's just a stage, as it always was before, and if you look back on before you'll see clearly how it patterns. Enjoy it, love the feeling; but love yourself enough to keep working on you- don't stop!

2. It brings up our mood and self esteme to a new level after a 'fall' and if we go with that as how we give ourselves value, we've lost the battle to win the war. Having fun and feeling great should make you feel good, but it shouldn't add or detract from your self worth as person. Our value is often given to us by others, and as such it is also stripped from us by others- we need to value ourselves for ourselves- consistantly! We are good enough and that needs to be something we control and keep in high status as often as possible, if not forever!

3. It is the high climbing streatch to the apitomy of happiness before the plunging fall into the spirialling rollercoaster of our emotional lives. It'sa high and great feeling that will not last, and if you give it too much power/credit you'll just set yourself up for the unaviodable fall. Give the credit to yourself not to the way people make you feel!

I mentioned the trap in passing a few months ago on the boards. I also addressed to some in a few PM's here and there too. Well here it is- live and in living color- the TRAP & it almost got me yesterday

Be Aware of yourself, your feelings, your self worth and how/where these come from. Reflection, evaluation and bruatl honesty will help keep you on your course. Continue on your journey and be aware of the Trap it is VERY REAL!

~Alice

Damit! I keep looking for the rope tied to the tree or the carpet over the pit, I don't have as much introspection to look INSIDE myself, who knows what I might find in there!

Hugs and kisses to Alice!

Strangely I tend to go to the other extreme, running from affirmation from others because I expect the other shoe to drop, and avoid the painful downs by denying myself the joy of the ups.

There must be a happy healthy balance in the middle where we can enjoy affirmation from others without either extreme. As you said, our sense of self worth really should be a balance of how we feel about ourselves (independent of others) while at the same time being able to enjoy something we all need, to be reminded we are valued.

Traps are everywhere and if there aren't any there, I wil invent them and put them there. I'm very creative like that.

I guess I don't have anything constructive to say except what Alice said is all true.

Thanks guys,

I just got back from seeing Beth a while ago and she really did say much of the same thing to me when I talked to her about my concerns with the trap and loosing focus on my goals to better myself through therapy and introspection.

I love what dude said here:

xdude wrote:There must be a happy healthy balance in the middle where we can enjoy affirmation from others without either extreme. As you said, our sense of self worth really should be a balance of how we feel about ourselves (independent of others) while at the same time being able to enjoy something we all need, to be reminded we are valued.

and that's just what Beth said too. She said I (we all) have a right to happiness and feeling good about ourselves; we as human beings both need and desrve that in life; but we also need to be aware that just because we currently may lean on others to help us stablize our moods (bring us up when we are down) that's doesn't mean we need those people (or others) to determin our self worth.

She said this is something that will come with time. Through acceptance of myself and learning to love myself for who I am as a person, pulling myself togather as a more solidified entity (without the pieces) and growing in a supportive, more possitive environment I'll no longer need others to bring me up because I will be more stable in the fact that I am worthy as a person and a valuable person in this world.

It doesn't mean that we're better than others, but we do have just as much right to peace, happiness, joy and self realiance as they do.

Attitude determins altitude (see many like quotes here for inspiration if needed http://www.motivatingquotes.com/attitude.htm ) and that's a good thing. When we feel better, we think better, and do better; but keeping our feet on the ground is also important. we can't get swept away in ellation and delussions- it's a balancing act, just like Dude said, and it take conscious awareness to see what you're feeling, thinking and why...

nowheregirl wrote:Traps are everywhere and if there aren't any there, I wil invent them and put them there. I'm very creative like that.

I guess I don't have anything constructive to say except what Alice said is all true.

NWG- we all crated these traps ourselves, some of our traps are more commonly shared amoungst us and others affect us more personally; but they are totally our own creation.

My best advice is to just be aware of yourself and what you're feeling. If something feels too extreme one way or the other, or you make a snap descion/impulse- stop and ask yourself 'why' you feel that way. Check it against your personal patterns cycle (past behaviours and why you do the things you do) to see why you're feeling this and how the cycle will play out if you don't stop it.

Our life is a rollercoaster, but even rollercoasters can only go so far on their tracks. Eventually they go back to the beginning and do the same things over and over again. It's exciting at timesbut exausting too.

get off the roller coaster once in a while and relax on something more soothing.
Merry go rounds are fun

OtherHPD wrote:Damit! I keep looking for the rope tied to the tree or the carpet over the pit, I don't have as much introspection to look INSIDE myself, who knows what I might find in there!

Your such a SMART A$$
But I loves ya!

Gotta run

thanks, someone has too.

I'm recovering from codependency and it is also a disorder based in low self-esteem only the symptoms manifest in a different manner. Instead of relying on others opinions of us like HPDs do codependents tend to rely on saving other people from their problems to help us acknowledge in ourselves were worth something. Both are unhealthy and don't lead to true happiness though. Become confident in yourself by yourself and like you for who you are for all for all the goods and the bads. Know its human to have faults and to make mistakes but that we try our best and we are all worth something. Once you can feel secure in that within yourself you'll be able to enjoy others who approve of you while at the same time you won't really care if someone doesn't approve. That way you aren't dependent on others for your own self-worth but can still enjoy the good times with others without getting carried away in it.

Alice I must admit these recent posts of yours are much more 'you'.

Keep it up, and steer clear of the groupthink that resides on forums. I know you're trying to change but a leper doesn't always need to change his/her stripes .

Changing who we are is one thing, changing what we are is entirely different.

Nons also, BTW...experience this trap. It all ties into the saying, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall". It seems like life always has chaos around the corner for us when we are experiencing the good times!!!

In fact, the HPD was many of our "TRAP" (as was the good times we had with them)...you should experience that one!
At least, being the HP...you can dodge that bullet .

mr.johnnymac wrote:Alice I must admit these recent posts of yours are much more 'you'.

Keep it up, and steer clear of the groupthink that resides on forums. I know you're trying to change but a leper doesn't always need to change his/her stripes .

Changing who we are is one thing, changing what we are is entirely different.

Nons also, BTW...experience this trap. It all ties into the saying, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall". It seems like life always has chaos around the corner for us when we are experiencing the good times!!!

WOW Thanks

I'm not trying change everything about me, there are many things I like about myself and many things (that although society doesn't understand them) I enjoy about being me.

My focus is on being a better me, accepting myself (good and bad & working on those things), understanding others (how relationships/society works and why) in order to function more effectively in the world.

A lot of the things I do, and the way I think/react to things is wrong. I'm greatly out of control in many areas, but that doesn't make me a bad person- it makes a person who needs to heal old wounds and learn new ways for the future.

I can see and identify were I missed a lot of things growing up, and although it's not my fault- it is in my power to fix it by reforming my prior learning and growing as person.

I'm seeing that a lot of the guilt and shame I carry is NOT my own. It's been impressedup on me abusively, and drilled into me to become a very powerful, overwhelming thing.

Right now in my therapy I'm learning it's OK to be me, even the disordered bits are OK- they need work, but it will come with time...


Fortunately, I'm not easily influenced by other people- even when they're right. Until it makes sense to me I'm not prone to taking others thoughts, oppinions, advice as my own. Groupthink- doesn't really effect me because I'm so damn stubborn
I was actually telling my son this the other day, he's very much like me and I said, "When you get older and make mistakes (which you will- we all do and that's OK) don't try telling me that you did something because someone else said so. I know you better than that, and you don't do anything you don't want to do yourself. Be a good influence on others and lead them towards the better choices when you can- you're a leader and your strong. Some people are followers and they become confused by bad leadership- never abuse those weaker than yourself, and lead with good intentions. We all make mistakes from time to time, admitting your mistakes and learning from them is the most important part!"

I really do try to give my son all the advice, support and encouragement I never had growing up. Sometimes when I speak to him about stuff, it clicks for me too- almost as if I'm re parenting myself

Pig headedness runs in my family it has good and bad aspects I guess.
Just as I told my son the other day though, I know that everything I did in my life, all the choices I made and mistakes I made are all something I did because I wanted to. I was acting on impluse because it was all I knew how to do. The reason I wanted to do these thing is the part that's messed up, and that's what I'm learning to fix- reasoning...

Ooo getting off toppic here- sorry about that. Sometimes I ramble

Just wanted to say this is a great post, Alice.

I used to jump into feelings very head on one way or the other, and would also rely on things in my external environment to cheer me up, including other people cause I wasn't able to regulate my own emotions. I think something like this might have some mileage in the BPD forum too, cause there is a lot of crossover with big emotional swings one way or another, getting carried away when things look "up" and needing outside influences to help regulate your own feelings. I think this is something really important to keep in mind.