Why does she do this?

My HPD friend will take even the slightest criticism to heart and then have to prove to the world that the person is wrong or something. One person suggested she wear makeup/dress up and when I saw her, she had on a full face of makeup and was all dressed up. (The person who said it to her wasn't even there! It's like she had to retaliate or something.) Another time, her parents were giving her a hard time about being single. We met up with some other friends that night, one of them giving us a hard time about being single. Well as soon as my friend got home, she joined a bunch of dating sites. She claims that she just likes rejecting the guys, but it's obviously about what the others said about being single.

Why does she have to prove herself so badly? (Why bother and care?)

She also gets extremely distracted on the phone- if there is someone there like her brother, she'll be laughing and joking with him, while I'm on the phone with her. I said I had to get off because it was beginning to get annoying, and she was like, "Aww, no. I'm trying to get him out of here." (Right...) Other times, she's complaining about him and how they get into fights. (Even though she fights back and calls him names.)

What is her deal?

People with HPD are people-pleasers. They don't have their own sense of self-worth (internal validation) or its very low, and so their self-worth is derived out of external validation. Without external validation their existence is threatened. This is why they try to keep everyone happy about them, all at the same time, in the process not making anyone happy fully.

Its not easy for them to get out of this mode, without extensive work on developing a sense of internal self-worth.

searchfortruth wrote:People with HPD are people-pleasers. They don't have their own sense of self-worth (internal validation) or its very low, and so their self-worth is derived out of external validation. Without external validation their existence is threatened. This is why they try to keep everyone happy about them, all at the same time, in the process not making anyone happy fully.

Its not easy for them to get out of this mode, without extensive work on developing a sense of internal self-worth.

This should be required reading. Perfectly said.

I really liked what you had to say about in the process of trying to juggle everyone's happiness (to keep the fans all available and happy with them) that they end up not making anyone really happy, though..

I'd say, it's possible to keep a large group of nobodies happy. To walk the fence and avoid upsetting anyone.

It's when one really gets close to someone that a person is put in the position of needing to choose between the feelings of those who are close, versus the feelings of others we barely know. For someone with HPD they often cannot choose the people who are close to them. The loss of the attention from the others who could supply them with validation is a cost they understand; the person close to them is already a locked-in source of validation, and also, if the close person really loves them they'll understand (and if they don't it's proof they are not really loved).

Ironically the person with HPD is very hurt if the people closest to them act in the same way. The person with HPD needs validation. They may test. If those closest to them de-value their feelings in favor of a nobodies feelings, the person dealing with HPD is likely to feel very hurt.

It goes back to being able to understand their lives from their point of view (a puppet to their own feelings), but not being able to see things from a 3rd person point of view where they perceive others feelings (and consider them) in the same way they experience their own feelings.

Crap! After reading these posts it makes me want to "Save her" and contact her again and tell her, "I understand". In other words, try "one more time'. Geez what a cycle huh ?

Joliver wrote: Crap! After reading these posts it makes me want to "Save her" and contact her again and tell her, "I understand". In other words, try "one more time'. Geez what a cycle huh ?

Well Joliver, after reading all these posts, you think you would want to RUN and have nothing to do with her?

confused1010 wrote:
She also gets extremely distracted on the phone- if there is someone there like her brother, she'll be laughing and joking with him, while I'm on the phone with her. I said I had to get off because it was beginning to get annoying, and she was like, "Aww, no. I'm trying to get him out of here." (Right...) Other times, she's complaining about him and how they get into fights. (Even though she fights back and calls him names.)

What is her deal?

My ex gf did the exactly same thing with me except she gets along with her brothers and little baby sister. I could never understand why she would continue talking on the phone if she was too busy talking with her siblings or playing video games with them. It used to get on my nerves and I would tell her focus on what she is doing and call me back later. If anyone could explain why she does this I would be grateful.

light wrote: If anyone could explain why she does this I would be grateful

The more attention they get, the happier they are, don't you think? Also, like Search said, they want to please everybody. They want to feel loved, as a child does. Remember, they don't grow up.

okherewego212 wrote:
The more attention they get, the happier they are, don't you think? Also, like search said, they want to please everybody. They want to feel loved, as a child does. Remember, they don't grow up.

I guess that make sense. A normal person would either call back later when they are less distracted or not call at all when they are busy.

joliver54 wrote:Crap! After reading these posts it makes me want to "Save her" and contact her again and tell her, "I understand". In other words, try "one more time'. Geez what a cycle huh ?

You are joking right? Maybe, and I mean maybe, if she still loved you, so much that it hurt her terribly if you left her she'd reach a rock bottom point in her life and consider the possibility she needs help, but only maybe. There is really nothing you can say or do that would save her. The main reason being is she likes being as she is.

This is why they try to keep everyone happy about them, all at the same time, in the process not making anyone happy fully.

It just seems like an exhausting process, and ultimately part of the reason they jump from supply to supply I guess.

I do want to know however- she likes to mention and talk about people that she knows I'm not friends with anymore (it's a sore topic for me)- does she do this for attention because she knows it will get a reaction out of me?