urgent help please

hello every one

i'll make this as short as possible

i had an emotional affair with an illegedly histrionic women that put me into agony
through out the last three years
each time i gave the cold shoulder and went on my way she ran after me
over and over
last time i gave her the cold shoulder was 5 months ago

she ran after me i avoided her and was absolutely rude more than ever before just to keep her off

suddenly and since three weeks she showed me allot of change in her behaviour in a way that
she never has shown before

so my quistion is

would a histrionic do that ?

because i personally think that she isnt histrionic
infact i know the signs of being histrionic
and she showed many of those signs
before
but i know that histrionics do seduce many men at the same time and chase them
and try to get thier attention

but would a histrionic change her behaviour for a man she has feelings for
or could she be normal and all the signs that she gave earlier were missinterpereted by me
so i thought she is histrionic while she is not?

please help...especially from the histrionic ladys on this forum

phoenic, in my experience with my histrionic friend (and she was diagnosed in addition to exhibiting the 'signs') I'd say that kind of thing wasn't all that uncommon for her to do. she loved the 'thrill of the chase' and would often enthusiastically chase men who didn't want to date her (or men who were married/in relationships already), even if she already had a primary love interest or three.

throughout the whole time she was chasing these people, she would claim to me that they were 'obsessed' with her and would do anything she asked, that they were just 'pathetic' hangers-on who simply couldn't let go of her and who continued to harass her day and night. of course I found out the real story after the friendship ended and I talked to some of these guys. they admitted to liking her at one point in the past, but after noticing her odd behaviors, they were done with her. when they started to try to ignore her, she would bombard them with texts and requests to hang out again, seeming 'apologies' for strange things she had done in the past, and declarations of her love for them. as soon as they would respond (either postively or negatively, but they gave her something other than radio silence), she'd quickly disappear again only to resurface a few weeks or few months later, with another round of insistant texts/phone calls/emails. or, she'd see them again a few times and be nice for awhile, then suddenly act like a jerk again, which would prompt them to cut her off, and prompt her to chase them again. it all seemed to be a never-ending cycle. she kept up with her badgering, sometimes for months, until she'd get some kind of response.

my guess is, in her mind, she couldn't have anyone not adoring her. she may not have been super interested in these guys before they started ignoring her, but when they did, she made it her personal mission to 'reconquer' them. all the while making it seem to her girlfriends and current lovers that they were desperately chasing HER, not the other way around. it seemed when her abandonment fears were triggered, the 'prize' suddenly held that much more value - plus, she didn't want anyone else to know that she wasn't 'desired' by absolutely everyone.

Is she in therapy? This is a must. Further evidence of change would be watching her interact with other men and whether she has had a religious conversion or something.

treetop wrote:phoenic, in my experience with my histrionic friend (and she was diagnosed in addition to exhibiting the 'signs') I'd say that kind of thing wasn't all that uncommon for her to do. she loved the 'thrill of the chase' and would often enthusiastically chase men who didn't want to date her (or men who were married/in relationships already), even if she already had a primary love interest or three.

throughout the whole time she was chasing these people, she would claim to me that they were 'obsessed' with her and would do anything she asked, that they were just 'pathetic' hangers-on who simply couldn't let go of her and who continued to harass her day and night. of course I found out the real story after the friendship ended and I talked to some of these guys. they admitted to liking her at one point in the past, but after noticing her odd behaviors, they were done with her. when they started to try to ignore her, she would bombard them with texts and requests to hang out again, seeming 'apologies' for strange things she had done in the past, and declarations of her love for them. as soon as they would respond (either postively or negatively, but they gave her something other than radio silence), she'd quickly disappear again only to resurface a few weeks or few months later, with another round of insistant texts/phone calls/emails. or, she'd see them again a few times and be nice for awhile, then suddenly act like a jerk again, which would prompt them to cut her off, and prompt her to chase them again. it all seemed to be a never-ending cycle. she kept up with her badgering, sometimes for months, until she'd get some kind of response.

my guess is, in her mind, she couldn't have anyone not adoring her. she may not have been super interested in these guys before they started ignoring her, but when they did, she made it her personal mission to 'reconquer' them. all the while making it seem to her girlfriends and current lovers that they were desperately chasing HER, not the other way around. it seemed when her abandonment fears were triggered, the 'prize' suddenly held that much more value - plus, she didn't want anyone else to know that she wasn't 'desired' by absolutely everyone.

thank you vert much for your replay it is a food for thought
but my story is different in many waysatleast she doenst chase men who doesnt chase her infact i was the only one but there are signs that she is starting to chase other men since a few months buti dont have any evidince it is just my feelings

CptSaveAho wrote:Is she in therapy? This is a must. Further evidence of change would be watching her interact with other men and whether she has had a religious conversion or something.

no she is not in therapy
i am the one who went to see a phsychatric a few months ago
and my psychatric told me the she is narccistis histrionic
but that session was only for one hour
and i couldnt have given him all the details that happened in the wholse three past years
this is why i think that she might not just be histrionic

I suppose, phoenic, it's hard to know if she is chasing other men or not if you don't have 'proof', but I'd go with your gut feeling on that. oftentimes our subconscious mind picks up on those little cues before we do and we get that feeling. if she truly is histrionic, there is no way she is going to let you know straight out that she's a cheater and/or a liar, if she wants you as a primary supply source in the future.

I'd say the people who truly knew about my friend's cheating activities were her platonic 'friends' (such as myself), outer circle fan club members, or people who had been burned by her in the past. her newer contacts or her inner circle fan club members, the ones that she hoped to become her significant others, would often be kept in the dark. if they by chance started to figure some things out, she'd blameshift, gaslight and manipulate them 'back into place'. if those tactics didn't work, they'd be sent to the fan club outter circle (if they still agreed to stick around after knowing who she truly was.) or, of course, they'd cut off contact with her.

so if you're close to her, and some things 'don't feel right', they probably aren't. she's probably decieving you.

treetop wrote: if those tactics didn't work, they'd be sent to the fan club outter circle (if they still agreed to stick around after knowing who she truly was.)

Interesting. Did you ever meet these outer-circle guys that were "in the know"? I guess thats where I am now. What can you tell me about them?

I knew of a couple outer circle guys from her stories about them only, never talked to them in person. I knew a few others very briefly, saw them once or twice. I emailed yet another outer circle guy I'd met a couple times, which started out as me posing him a question as to if one of her lies was true or not, he responded, and we had a few conversations about her and our relationships with her. The last outer circle guy I came across is my now boyfriend - I knew him briefly when I was friends with her (we would all 3 hang out together on random occasions), but never knew him all that well beyond aquaintance level. I saw him out and about after my friendship with her had ended, struck up a conversation and found out he too was done with her, we started hanging out, the rest is history.

the ones she told stories about - were all 'my old buddy', 'my old friend', ect, ect, but there was always an undercurrent of disdain for them. The couple I saw briefly were raging alcoholics/drug addicts and seemed to be her party/F buddies only, she'd go to them when nobody else was available and she needed an extra boost. they knew all about her but didn't care, they just wanted occasional free sex. The guy I emailed was in her AA group (haha), an ex-alcoholic trying to turn his life around. he struck up a friendship with her through AA meetings but quickly became disillusioned with her when he discovered she was lying to everybody - saying he was some psycopathic rapist. My boyfriend, he knew her briefly when they were teenagers, and a few years ago she tracked him down again. He was always suspicious of her (even back then) and knew she was lying about most things, but didn't mind hanging out once in awhile. When he refused to sleep with her or date her (because he knew too much about how many people she'd been with!), she chased him like crazy. he liked/was amused by the heaps of attention she piled on trying to get him to change his mind, and she could be fun to hang out with on occasion, so he continued to talk to her. He was officially done with her when he discovered she was lying about him to others, claiming he tried to rape her and was a woman beater.

Why do you want to know?


What does it matter if i'm HPD or NPD or more of one or none of the other? Or just, someone you wanted to get rid of so badly, a bunch of times.........you started acting rude?



What is urgent about this?


Am i missing something?

Phoenic,

Hi- I'm Alice and I'm an HPD/BPD woman, fully Dx'd and in treatment for my dual disorders.

You say that she's changing for you- correct?
That's not gonna cut it I'm affraid...

The change inside has to be happening for HER and should be taking place with or without you in her life.
If she's doing for YOU or someone else- she's not really doing it.

Recovering from PD's is a long and painful process, it's not something someone is likely to do for someone else (not long anyways) and it takes a great inner strength and honesty to face the truth and pain associated with real treatment and true progress.

Changing for 3 weeks, even 3 months can easily be done- but unless she addresses underlying issues and frees herself from the very things that constructed her disorder, she will inevitably relapse and do it all again. We're not disordered because we choose to be, it's not something someone can wake up one day and say, "I think I'll stop doing this" it takes a great deal of learning, effort and consistancy to do this stuff.

It is honestly exceedingly difficult to reform the behaviours and deal with the emotional pain associated inside the disorder- if she truly is disordered.

The disorder is far more than what you see on the outside (our acting out and hurting people) it comes from deep within us, and is a malformation based deep within our minds, and as such it takes a long time to correct the damage that's been done.
If she's going to treatment and really take this thing head on- if you want to stand beside her while she does this- go for it!
But don't let a few good weeks fool you into thinking she's changed her life- that's not gonna happen. She could be at the beginning of her great change, but it will be A LONG, LONG time before she's finished the process.

My XBF has come back to stand beside me in my treatement and healing. It's rare- but it does happen, and it takes baby steps, lots of tenderness, understanding and patients between us to make it work. Things are getting better all the time between us, we're rebuilding trust and establishing a firm base that we never had before constructed on respect and personal boundries.

Can it be done?
Yes!
People can beat the disorder if they try and work long and hard at it.
Couples can repair their relationship and become stronger after a fall out, break down in the relationship, what have you- we see here all the time with many who are married.

But it's not perfect, there will be moments where she will falter, you could get hurt and it may not last...
There's definitely a risk in that, and only YOU can decide if you're willing to take that risk.

My 2c
~Alice