*Full Self Analysis of My STIPO with SCORES pg5*

In referance to my last post, I've been scouring my mind since writing this and had a possible appiphony- I may know WHO that is, if I can enough information to coroborate the memory/flashback itself...

I was trying to figure out when I would have been in the park, at that age, alone, with a dark haired 'mullet man' and as I tried to remember summer events in town (besides the base ball games that were there all the time- too many people around and this couldn;t have happened in a setting like that) and I think I may have found one specific occassion and 'face' that could potentially have been this event, but again, I'm not sure.

What I do think it is (could be) is a family reuinion we had when I was very young. It only happened that one time (not a yearly thing to confuse the probbing of this posibility) and my gradmother's sister and her husband used to foster children in their home. If this is the occassion in question, I think it could have been their foster child. A guy that actually stayed with them for a long time, and would later become my own brothers best friend, when he came back home a few years later.

He did have very dark brown hair, almost black, and a mullet. He was shorter (as I suppose this person was too) and had a rounder face, as he was quite stout in general build/size, etc... The face I see (potenetially see) is rounded and (jeeze like I said - i really don't want to read too much into this incase it's fabricated... I'm not sure where real ends and my imagination takes over from true memory) but I would have said I saw pimples...

The only sure fire way to see if the possibility that this is the actual circumstance in which this happened is to search pictures of the reuinion (we have a large group shot in which everyone who was in attendance was in the photo) and if I'm young enough, and he's in that picture- than that's more than likely what happened. But really there's no way of knowing for sure- is there?

Even if he is in the picture, and I am of the age in which this possibly happened, there's nothing definitive to say 'YES this did indeed occur on this day and HE was definitely the guy who did, whatever he did."

I don't know...

I'm not gonna over think it though. I opened the door, had a peek, found a possibility and I'm gonna close it up for now and check those pictures the next time I go to my parents house (this weekend sometime) and see if it does in fact pan out that he was there and I was of that age range. I'm thinking anywhere beteen 3-5, 6 at the MOST. But for some reason I'm leaning towards 4/5ish... just due to the sheer size of my arm. It's about the same size as my daughters is now and she's 5.

I'll never be able to give this a deffinite positive, but SOMETHING happened. The touch, the penis and my arm- THAT IS REAL!!! It's the rest I can't put my finger on fully and with certanty yet (if ever)

Be back with an update once I check those pictures though.

Not sure anyone is still reading this thread or not, but for my own use and records (while keeping still it public for interpritation and exploration purposes) I'll continue with what I found in the pictures today after I finally got a chance to head back to Ktown this aft...

I searched through many pictures in my parents closet today, some which I may share, and others which I need to find for me personally. after 1.5 hrs into searching, i found the one shot I was scouring for and ran down stairs into the sunlight to have a look.

At first glance I saw a dark haired mullet man in a white shirt- I thought I hit pay dirt until I probbed the pic looking for me, to see how old I was and I saw my brother in the shot, with his friend (th eone I thought it was in my flashback) sitting beside him in a much younger age than I thought he was at the time of this incodent.

I was shocked, disapointed, and a little bit relieved that it wasn't him in the memory. I continued looking for me in the picture, and there I was, a slip of a girl; perhaps 3 or 4- but not yet as much as 5, just as I was in the vision in the park. The arm was so thin and small in length, I knew I had to be very young in that memory...

But then I got to wondering, if this memory is real (which I tend to think it is, by the way in which it came back with such verosity and vividity at the moment of impacted stimmulous) then who was the mullet man??? I searched the picture for mullets, found 3-4 (it WAS the early 80's after all) and I may have been able to pin a possiblity or 2- I lean more towards one over the other though, and though the hair is right, the facial shape is right and the shirt (I think was white) is right, the face is small in the photo and the picture so old and unclear (it still has rounded edged from the older modle cameras of the 70's I know I'll never be able to see the face clearly enough to make a firm and positive ID that this is the face I see smiling at me in the memory...

The memory itself has come into question, as I'm not in 'flash back mode' and my walls are again in place protecting me- I don't see the image with the same vividness I did the other day. But then it always happens this way with flash backs. You see them, you feel the fear and confussion in them, you block them out and then you wonder if it was real or if it was just a figment of your imagination, a fabricated memory with no basis of truth or circumstancial evidence to back it up...

i know I did the same thing when my flash backs began surrounding my brother. remember, block it out, deny it and keep repressing it, over and over- until it just one day can't be surpressed anymore.

I don't know what else to say..

When I felt that sensation that stimmulated this memory- it felt very real and I was shocked by what flashed within my mind. iblocked it out and re opened the door to look inside while these last entries and as I opened the door I saw so much there, but couldn't determine where memory stoped and imagination took over- if imagination played a part in it at all- it could have all been 100% memory, I don't know that for sure at this point. But even the day after writing those entries, I second guessed it all, it seemed unbeleivable to me, that something else happened and I didn't remember or have a clue of it until this point in my life- it seemed unfathomable, and today, even seeing there could be a possible offender in that picture, matching the loose description I gave at the same time/place in which I think this all happened- I'm still second guessing it all, because it feels like it's worlds away. In another time, place, dream state- something that never really happened and now I wonder if it did?

I'm not sure what else to say here, so I'll leave it for now, that I'm just very confused and not sure what will come next with this particular situation... Who is the mullet man? Who poked my hand? Who smiled with the sun behind their head that way at me? Who did this?