HPDs leave men emotionally unavailable?

Jay Mack wrote:Gee Rhodes, hasn't SansStars retorts recalled the wretched memories of life with an HP?

So, someone disagrees with you and that makes them wrong? Yes, I'm certainly the broken one in that scenario.

SansStars wrote:
Awwww, Rhodes. Did you always know everything or did you just learn it all? That would be sooo cool to know everything!

You're right, here I am waiting for someone to rescue me. Oh whoa is me. I'm such a weak, fragile girl and my bottom is ever so tired from sitting on it. Where is that damn knight in shining armor? I couldn't possibly do it all by myself..... Oh wait! I did.

My husband has no f'n clue, yet I'm in THERAPY on my own. He's my one. The one to fight to keep- except that he's not going anywhere and yet I'm still flighting. I didn't ever expect him to fix me out of entitlement. What I expect is that when you love someone you do things for them and not just throw them away. Nothing is perfect and not everyone is meant to be together (even 2 nons!). So sometimes, breaking up is the answer- but that goes for ANY two people not just HPD/nons. My point was that there ARE certain people who are meant to be together and they may never know because the bitterness in this place tells everyone to run away screaming and that we're hopeless. You know what I think is hopeless? The people in this world who always run away when things get tough and are so unforgiving that they shut themselves off in the future because someone isn't perfect.

Hey, kudos for you for seeking therapy. If you are taking steps yourself to work on it, more power to you, and the less you fit into what I was talking about. But what I said still stands and applies to a lot of people w/ HPD ('imo' - better?)

You might want to watch the whole [patronizing tone laced w/ cynicism] - makes you look younger than you are. I don't know whether to have a grown up debate with you or give you a lolly and a pat on the head

Rhodes wrote:Hey, kudos for you for seeking therapy. If you are taking steps yourself to work on it, more power to you, and the less you fit into what I was talking about. But what I said still stands and applies to a lot of people w/ HPD ('imo' - better?)

Much better. I was just trying to make a point that it's not always forever and you don't know until you try. That goes for anything in life, really. Remember the little train that could? I think I can, I think I can!

Rhodes wrote: You might want to watch the whole [patronizing tone laced w/ cynicism] - makes you look younger than you are. I don't know whether to have a grown up debate with you or give you a lolly and a pat on the head

What kind of lolly? Is it strawberry or grape? If its sour apple, you can keep it. That is unless you want to see my pucker face. As for the pat on my head... can we move it to a pat elsewhere?

I would consider myself still young so perhaps you're giving me more credit than you think if you believe me to be older. I was born in the mid 1980's so I'm in my mid 20s.

Anyway, that's all I had to say. I was expressing an opinion the same way as you were. Certainly if you have a right to express yourself, I do as well. We're allowed to disagree. I told you my thoughts and you told me yours.

In my case a "friendship" with an HPD caused a job loss and major disruption of my life. I am VERY fortunate to have a wife who stood by me thru all of the chaos created by the HPD. My interpersonal relationships have changed, but for the better. I no longer adopt the codependent "Fixer" mentality towards relationships. I am more emotionally guarded, but not unavailable. My therapist likens this to a substance abuse/addiction issue. One day at a time.....

In my case I was left emotionally unavailable, but it's getting better day by day. I'm really worried about thing, which is the common friends we have, it's only a matter of time before we meet again on a social event.

I'm not prepared for this, and it is freaking me out. How can I get over it? and should I worry too much about it? I keep avoiding some gathering just to avoid the possibility of seeing her.

Because of this feeling, I'm not sure that I'm over this matter & I'm ready to move on. Is there a way for dealing with it?

As I posted previously, I am currently emotionally unavailable. I too am aprehensive of the upcoming holidays and the gatherings they entale and the thought of another year of Holidays "alone". It will only be a year in December since he walked out and 4mo since divorce was final. I have kept a low profile and have not seen nor heard from him since all was finalized. To be social again with common aquaintances/friends at these annual functions will be uncomfortable at best.

I believe my 'strategy' will be to look my best, be who I am, and smile. Not to antagonize, but show I am moving on without him (even if I go alone). I would rather be alone than lonely with him. To be the person I was 12yrs ago- confident, relaxed, friendly, personable....happy. It won't be easy. He is a silver tounged devil and is initially impressive to the masses, but my character has always been much stronger than his and, if necessary, will find strength in pain.

Besides, let them wonder- Have he/she moved on? Is he/she seeing anyone else or did they choose to come alone? Why is he/she here? Is he/she hoping to see me? Let them guess. You already know all about them, but they really know nothing about you....since they likely didn't care to know. You see through them, yet you were always somewhat of a mystery to them- with your ability feel and all. You are now a mystery to them again and they will be curious. Curious to your 'motives' for being there(when you were invited and just want to have a good time). Curious to your 'strategy' (when you don't have one). Curious to your life now (should they test to see if they still have any power over you). Oh, the wondering you could make them do, by doing nothing but being yourself. ----Whew, this is the most thought I have given him in months and now my head hurts. Glad I don't have to think like this on a daily basis anymore. ----

Ironman, I say put on your big boy britches, go and be yourself. Enjoy those events and your friends.

ironman79 wrote:I'm not prepared for this, and it is freaking me out. How can I get over it? and should I worry too much about it? I keep avoiding some gathering just to avoid the possibility of seeing her.

Because of this feeling, I'm not sure that I'm over this matter & I'm ready to move on. Is there a way for dealing with it?

Ironman, I faced the same issue,I was devalued and dumped in mid-November and of course it was crushing to face the Holiday's alone, or at least without her, thankgoodness I had my family but here's how I handled it: I quickly learned that attending social functions where she was present caused too much anxiety to enjoy the event, so I called the host to thank them for the invite and politely declined stating I had plans with a family member, then go to the show with a family member or even by yourself, BUT don't stay home. Or, go very early to the function telling the host you can only stay for a minute then leave and do something else.

You'll experience the anxieties of her presence for as long as you have feelings and an emotional attachment towards her, but the good news is if you 1) go true NC and stick to it, 2) sort out in your mind how and why you got attached to her and 3) categorize in your mind all the difficulties you faced with her and resolve not to make the same mistake again you'll move on, it may take some months but it'll happen and you'll eventually look back and marvel and how dumb you were to ever grieve over the loss of such a witch.

Remember, it's important to work on only yourself and not try to figure out what you should have done differently. You'll get there.

Happy: fantastic post. 'Strategy' when you don't have one - whoa...quotable.

Sans: lol - so a quick peace b/t you and I eh? *extends hand* - I'm all about honest discussion. Good luck w/ your journey

Since my HPD encounter I've genuinely stopped believing that romanctic love euphoria is anything but a projection dream. A vivid dream no doubt, but still only as a real as a dream. The idea that there is "the one" is laughable. After all there are 6 billion humans on this earth and the idea that you're going to meet that person is statistically stupid. If anyone cares to prove the maths against me then go ahead

There is no such thing as fate, only limited human comprehension of that we experience in each of our small little lives. That can be tender and where lasting affection comes from. HPD sufferers, though, act like a drug. All the promise of love eternal is there, with none of the compromises. The damage these people do, through our most sensitive of expectations in life, is what I would call without hesitation - evil.

wow Terry,

i find your post very insightful as I am going through a similar phase and am realizing that the whole romantic/ sexual relationship hype is what you say, a projection of your own wishes and desires onto someone else. HPDs make this extremely easy as in the beginning and after that every now and then they read you and mirror your most intimate dreams and desires. however, it's just a game to keep you around. they take the nice stuff in the relationship but don't want to work on it or compromise as you say.

at least, it has been a lesson in life about what can be the painful essence of romantic love. so emotional unavailability is a normal and healthy reaction for everyone after a draining relationship in order to get your head clear and learn a valuable lesson, or even as you are doing, reassess your world-view.