Another question about HPD

A little Wisernow wrote:My HPD/NPD found the perfect schmuck..........

He cooks, does the laundry, works, keeps the yard etc.

All she has to do is visit friends/boyfriends, and do her hobbies......

She is 60 some........looks 40, has never had a job, and cannot cook.

She has had 200 boyfriends.........

And she's married to some poor schmuck............

So glad it isn't me.

Mine said that I would work all days and she would be at home and playing with our daughter??

She was student but she and her parents never help me with money for her costs (renting apartment, food, gas, etc). They expected me to drive 380 km to work in both directions FOR HER because she was so special. So we rented apartment 190 km from my workplace.

Now, when I found out she cheated on me with numerous guys (I don't know the whole story) and told her to leave I am the biggest crap. She took away our child (for which I had to do DNA to make sure she is mine) and she lives happily with her parents who support her.

Butch,

You have to stop beating yourself up. You have to stop worring what her parents think and how unjust it is. You are right, you did the right thing, and in the long run you will be better off. You just don't see that now. You can't let someone cheat on you and let them get away with it, without reprocussions, or it will never stop. It is like condoning thier behavior.

So, ask yourself. Did you want to be with a woman that will never change, will always cheat and make you feel miserable and go through life like that? To stay or let go is your choice and your choice alone.

So what is your choice?

I hope I will soon see that I would be better off. I am now 7 months out and I don't see any change in that. It is really like an addiction.

Butch,
I'll tell you that the family thing doesn't matter in the long run.

My wife has a cousin, who I thought liked me, but they confide in each other about her cheating and see nothing wrong with it. Her cousin is a downright slut so I shouldnt be surprised, but the fact that there is no respect for me hurts.

However, everyone of the rest of her family has disowned my wife for her behavior. She blames me, because I told them what she did. Even though, they have taken my side in all of this, it doesnt matter - so dont focus on what your inlaws think.

My wife refuses to stop her behavior, even though she is no longer welcome in her family's home. She used to idolize her grandfather, now she badmouths him constantly. She even found some old guy who comes into her work that she now spends time with and calls him her adopted grandfather. Amazing how they can idealize/devalue so quickly and find ready replacements.

I understand the addiction. No man wants his family taken from him. Good men will fight to the death to protect what is important to them. But you and I have to realize, that our relationships with these people were lies. Unless they are willing to get help, nothing will ever change. The rejection and loss are worse than death, I think. But the pain will subside, especially if you put them aside and move on.

It's hard, I have kids with mine too.

Butch,

Well, ok...then what steps have you taken for yourself to get over this addiction? What have you done for you? What are the good points about you? If you try and let go, name the reason you will be better off. If you stay the way you are now, name the reason you will be worse off. What are you addicted to, her or being in a relationship you thought you had? Is it a healthy relationship for you? If not name the reasons it isn't. What is an ideal relationship for you? Do you think you can ever have that with her or do you think you can ever have that relationship with her? Do you think she is the only woman on this earth you can have a relationship with? Where would you like to be 5 years from now? Do you think you can have those goals and dreams with a person like that? You need to start thinking about all the bad points of this addiction you have, stop beating yourself up over it and stop questioning yourself as to the why's you left a person that has no love for you, cheats and lies her ass off. She doesn't love you. Do you want to be in a relationship knowing that, because your relationship never existed in the first place. You are still in it all alone at this point. It is not healthy.

Read all the questions and write it all down. Post it here. Post your final breakup, and why you will be better off and what you need to do for yourself to get over it. You need to get over this addiction and think of all the positives for getting over it or all the bad if you choose to stay addicted. Keep reading why you are better off. Focus on all bad and re-read it, to understand why this is unhealthy for you. You need to un brainwash yourself, and get over how this disrodered person munipulated you and caused you to be brainwashed in the first place.

okherewego wrote:
then what steps have you taken for yourself to get over this addiction?

I am trying to become less needy. I used to call her numerous times when she didn't answer a phone. Now I call if it is my turn and if she doesn't call back - her problem. If it is her turn and she doesn't call - her problem. I know it is small step but I am looking forward to make more steps but it takes time.

okherewego wrote:What have you done for you? What are the good points about you?

I make sports. I run much more now like I used to in the past. I got myself a job because I lost my previous because of taking a paternity leave to help her with daughter. I have done STD testing last week.

okherewego wrote:If you try and let go, name the reason you will be better off.

I will not afraid of her cheating on me and lying anymore. I will not have to argue with her and not solve anything. I will not have to attend shallow conversations about anything anymore. I will not have to let her parents to control my life.

okherewego wrote:If you stay the way you are now, name the reason you will be worse off.

Our daughter won't have full-time father and she will probably become just like my GF. I will miss GF's sense of humour, laughing and all good times we had together. I think that I am responsible for some things in our relationship and I would like to show her I became a better person, who is not so moody all the time. I will miss good sex and her beauty.

okherewego wrote:What are you addicted to, her or being in a relationship you thought you had?

I think I was addicted to her because she always seems so unavailable and I always tried to win her. I was needy and she knows that.

okherewego wrote:Is it a healthy relationship for you? If not name the reasons it isn't.

No, because of cheating, lying, manipulations and passivity. I have the feeling that I was the only one who invested (emotionally and financially) in the relationship. I also think that she would be remorseful and happy if I gave her second chance if it was a healthy relationship.

okherewego wrote:What is an ideal relationship for you? Do you think you can ever have that with her or do you think you can ever have that relationship with her?

My ideal relationship includes love, respect, honesty, caring and supporting eachother. I don't know what problem has she. If she is just immature then I think there is a possibility. But if she really has HPD I think there is very little chance for her to change eventhough she would go to therapy.

okherewego wrote:Do you think she is the only woman on this earth you can have a relationship with?

Absolutely not but she is the only woman I have a child with.

okherewego wrote:Where would you like to be 5 years from now? Do you think you can have those goals and dreams with a person like that?

This is a question I used to get a lot on job interviews. I would like to have stable family, satisfying job and one sweet little home. It is difficult to say for person like her because I have a feeling she doesn't really have any real long-term goals but just live for today, she will deal with the problems when they come.


I will read on and post on this board. Thank you for your support!

Having children with people like this is stressful.

Whether they have HPD or not, they are incredibly immature, selfish and live for today. So many times, that means that the children are on the backburner.

As with my wife, she was more than happy to drop the kids off with me on the weekends because that was her premium time to spend on herself (going out with friends or other men). She would see them minimally through the week (but I see this as only manipulating them so people don't think she is a bad mom, including the kids. She paints the picture like she is being very generous in letting me spend time with them.....which is a sick lie).

I really didnt mind because I truly want to spend as much time with them as I can, and they need that during this difficult period in their lives. But, to be honest, I did feel bad knowing in my heart that she was probably out with other men.

The bottom line Butch, if your GF is HPD or not, she definitely is selfish and immature. Those qualities don't make for a good mother. You have to step up and put your needs aside (I know this is nearly impossible) and put the needs of your child first. Stop dwelling on what could be with her, do some self examination, stop acting like Eeyor, start acting like Tigger, and you will be more attractive to other women. In time, I really believe that it will become evident to everyone what has happened. You most likely wont have a happy family with this woman, but dont let her ruin you having it with someone else.

Butch,

You know what. When someone cheats, lies, munipulates, continues to do so, blames it on you and does not want to be with you, then they don't love you and never will. Especially when you have a child together. Your relationship is not even that old. No matter what problems you had in your relationship or think you caused in the relationship, there is no excuse for her behavior. None.

The fact is, she doesn't love you. Whether inmature or not. That's the bottom line. If someone loves you, they don't cheat, lie and munipulate. Screwing other men and being with other men, is not love. If they love you, they try to make things better.

The sooner you come to terms with that, the better off you will be. You really need to understand that.

The good thing is, you have a wonderful child as a result of a bad mistake. Focus on that and build the happy home you dream of. Show your daughter what real love is, when you are ready. Build your daughter one happy home, full of love and happiness with a person capable of giving that back to you. Start to work on that for a change. A great future for your daughter, a woman that truly loves you and learn to put your past realtionship in the past.

Five years from now, you will be healed and so much better off . Start working towards that and your dreams and goals will come true. Learn from this experience, to grow into a much better stronger you, for both your daughter and yourself.

The woman you dream of now and want so much, is not going to get you there. She shows no signs of love. Sex is not love, especially when there is more than one man involved. So wake up to that reality and stop blaming yourself and stop letting her and her parents making you feel guilty about it. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you. Nothing. Again, there is NO EXCUSE for it. Period!

OK