When you asked "why did she/he love you"? What did they say?

Hey All,

A little question, but feel it is important.

When I first found out real evidence of all the lies and I tried to reconcile, I asked her over our discussion "why she loved me".

I asked her this question, because I felt based on her answer it would give me an insight to whether she truly loved me and knew what I was about.

I got back one answer...you are "kind". That's it, that is all I got!!! No more than that!!

I think deep down, maybe that's it. One safe guy, but behind your back through all the mundane daily life a relationship can bring, they need more. Thier void is never filled, but I tried. I bought her eveything , trips..you name it ( don't ask! lol), because I was "kind" . That is all she wanted from me....A safe guy as home base, a future provider and the other's she was with behind my back to releave boredom and to give her a new challenge.

During the period we broke up, her sister told me she thought I was cheap! lol Her sister also said, my ex wants the next guy to spend more on her, and she wouldn't settle for less. Well, I guess in the end, she didn't even think I was "kind"

So my question to you all is this. If you asked your ex or actually did ask your ex.." Why do you love me?"...What did she/he say or what do you think she/he would have said?

Just wondering...C&H

a very good question. I think you hit the nail on the head a home base. im sorry

I got from him, "because you're (insert my name here)" and he'd say nothing else, just gave me that long intense stare with tears in his eyes.

C & H,

Mine said we should have just been friends.

Yes, I was to be the friend that supported her, while she ran wild.......with other guys........

I was to be her nice little flunky, I guess......

But to get me trapped she poured on the fake love, at first..........

And my folks had money, she wanted that too.......

Hi c&h:
Yep I asked that question. My X's Reply, "your handsome and I'm well with you". The first part is subjective, but the second part perplexed me, as I have heard it before from my wife and all close X's that really knew me. She said to me that I (me) always seem to know what to do and where i am going in life. I believe without being sure, that she felt warm, loved and secure with me. It's what the other ladies that shared my life too all said in one way or another. I remember laughing and saying "you've got to be kidding, I'm as lost as anyone else on this planet"... : ! And i am too... !

Best regards, Musician

Hey,

I got a list. Honestly I can't recall everything, but the content was mostly pretty shallow and surprising to me. From what I can remember, I also got the "because you are [my name]", I often heard that I am a very noble person and then I got the list which included that she liked my arms (?) and the way I pronounced certain words. The rest of the list was in the same kind trend.

On top of this, I'd be interested in knowing what qualities they'd consider ideal in a relationship.

AlwayGrowing wrote:From what I can remember, I also got the "because you are [my name]", I often heard that I am a very noble person and then I got the list which included that she liked my arms (?) and the way I pronounced certain words.

So why did you love her? Her smile, her laugh, her sense of humour, her tits, the crazy things she'd do in bed? How is this any different?

It's hard enough for 'normal' people to articulate exactly what intimacy means for them, let alone someone who struggles to connect with most of their core feelings. I'm not sure there really needs to be any more to love than "I trust you, I'm attracted to you, when I'm with you I feel happy and safe and loved."

Hi TK,

I hope you are still active on this forum; there are so many new faces here and so many of what I would call the 'great libraries' have left.

As you correctly pointed out, it's hard for all people to articulate intimacy. I realized how true that was when I wanted to reply to your post, so I saw a great opportunity for introspection and growth

I have now given this a lot of thought, instead of just posting the first reply that comes to mind (that would have been unnecessarily defensive).

Why did I love her? I loved who she pretended to be. I loved the character I saw, the integrity, the person maintaining a sense of honour in spite of the fact that it's hard. You see, I believe that every time that you have to make a decision, and you can do something the easy way, or the correct and moral way (often being harder), that which you give up to do it the correct way is the price you pay for your character. I have a deep respect for that, and she player right into that. Ironically, everything I admire is what, in reality and retrospect, she lacks. I suspect she even lacks a true understanding thereof. Additionally, the 'little girl' that needed to be protected. I saw someone who bravely stood for what is right, took a beating for it from life, and needed help. I saw a partner, an ally, a friend. After she started speaking about us being 'soulmates', I started seeing that too. Now the word makes me cringe.

Of the items you listed: Her smile - sure. Her laught - most definitely (I am of a more serious disposition and definitely enjoyed the sense of fun she brought to the table). Her sense of humour - I always thought she tried, but in retrospects she could quote Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams and Seinfeld, but often didn't get the very same humour. She told jokes that experience showed her other people found funny, I think. Her tits - not in this case. If I have to think about it, they were saggy, but that was not important. I also never slept with her - that is due to my own value system. For whatever amount of flack I may take for it, I honestly, out of choice, believe in what is jokingly referred to as pre-sexual marriage. It's part of my religion and part of my value system. So I would not allow sex - she professed the same value system

Does this mean her looks were not important? I'm not that naive. Of course they were - on some level I am as 'shallow' as any animal. Of course I would prefer her to exactly the same person in a less attractive 'shell'. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite? At least I'm brutally honest. It would certainly have taken her longer to have the same impact on me if she was less attractive, but the face was more important than the body, and the personality and especially perceived character much more so than her face.

I realize my response seemed harsh, and I think it was. Thanks for (implicitly) pointing that out. My answer was initially an attempt to give an honest answer to a question - not to make the attack I seemed to have made. Despite all that, my answer was honest and I still stand by it. She said she liked that I was noble, but I have no doubt she said that because it's a quality she knows I appreciate in others. The rest of it still seems pretty shallow to me, not so much in the content but in what is completely overlooked in comparison.


I do agree trust is important. That's the real kicker here then, isn't it.

I'm still here on the odd occasion. And I'm glad my reply made you think. I took a long while to consider how I'd answer it myself, before I posted it.

I've been finding myself less drawn to this forum, though, as my life's moved on. I really can't overemphasise how much my wife has improved since I started resolving my own issues, taking responsibility for myself and my relationship, and basically growing up and becoming 'the man' in my marriage. There are definitely cases of severely mentally ill women who rain chaos and destruction down upon hapless males - but if my experience (and others have had similar) is anything to go by, 90% of the symptoms of HPD are merely the natural result of a spoilt, uncontrolled child-woman in a relationship with an insecure, effeminized boy. Neither of them have quite finished growing up, and neither is yet equipped to handle adult life and relationships. Once the man deals with his issues, he will, just by being himself and being a mature, integrated male, lead the woman towards being a mature, healthy female.

Anyway, back to your post! I think it's quite fair that looks are a factor in how attractive you perceive someone. I see it as being just as shallow to discount someone for being stupid, or for lacking artistic skills, or for being bad at sport, as it is to discount them for being unbeautiful. It's a combination of many shallow, superficial traits that forms your overall image of a person and lets you fall in love with them. (And not all positive traits, either - it's often said that you like someone for their virtues but you love them for their flaws.)