"Other people found me ok"

Did your partners with HPD traits ever say to you that other people in the past had found them (and their ways of dealing with crisis) ok and that you were just over-sensitive in complaining? Or accuse that you were a tyrant who demanded everyone around them was always happy and calm?

my partner with HPD traits says that when i complain i am a tyrant that expects everyone around me to be calm and happy. She says that everyone gets cross at times and i should deal with that. Never mind the fact that all her family dont want to know her cause she attacks them whenever something goes wrong and loads of shrinks have wanted her locked up, and she has lost all her friends through raging outbursts.

I have not been in a mental hospital and have other friends and family who get angry and frustrated at times and i deal with it. I had other long relationships in the past where i had no problem with them being angry (even if they went wrong for other reasons such as us wanting different lives).

I never had violent arguments in any of my relationships, wheras my partner has had violent angry relationships. I used to feel angry about that, now i wonder if she drove them to it. all the shrinks say she is angry and hostile and agressive.

Yet, she says i am just a wimp who cant handle people showing emotion, a tyrant who wont let people show emotion around me. And that all the shrinks are tyrants and wimps like me. She says that lots of people in her past have been fine with her rages and were "compatiable" with her, though i never hear of any of these people.

Hi Raz, thanks for your post.

I just have a couple of questions. When you talk about shrinks wanting her "locked up" do you mean that psychiatrists have recommended she be sectioned? I can't ever imagine that someone would be sectioned for having HPD. This could then indicate that she has possibly much more serious mental illness going on. I think what is actually wrong with her and how serious is this/if this can be treated is an important factor for you and her relationship with her.

Also, from your post I get the impression that she is certainly not an easy person to be with. You describe her as angry, aggressive and hostile (nb these themselves are not HPD traits) so I wonder why you yourself want to carry on in a relationship with someone like this?

they sectioned her when she was a teenager though she has not been back in since. yes she has suicidal times as she cant cope with peoples bad reactions to her, she is loud and has aspergers.

i carry on the relationship cause she is so loving and caring in the good times and i enjoy being with her, dont want to abandon her, dont want to live without her company etc.

She is nasty, abusive, aggressive. Leave her and get some support.

P.S Cluster B's are not worth having relationships with.

I think you obviously have a lot to cope with this relationship and its fair play to you for sticking it out when so many people would have walked away.

I am quite interested in the fact that she has aspergers syndrome whilst also displaying HPD traits. I am not pretending to have any in-depth knowledge about aspergers but from what limited understanding I have I would have thought aspergers and HPD were completely opposite disorders. For example someone with aspergers likes routine, has poor eye contact and has difficulty with social interactions. These are the exact and extreme opposites of HPD. I am not at all saying that she cannot have the two concurrently but am interested to know how she displays her HPD traits and how this fits in with the aspergers syndrome.

thanks sofrance

I dont think she does have HPD to be honest. I just posted here cause i find her behaviour "histrionic", wheras she calls it "autistic meltdown". She says she has AVPD. she is hyper sensitive to people disagreeing with her or judging her clothes. (she was bullied as a child for being dressed in old ripped clothes by parents). She rages at me and throws me out when things get hard then apoligises.

the AS according to her comes out in her interupting people, talking over people, being too loud and monopolising conversations, (which she does do and cant to stop though it upsets her) she says her suicidal angst is due to peoples bad reactions to this.

Seems to me to be a very difficult situation that you are in, regardless of if she is HPD are not. I am sure that effectively being her "carer" whilst she is so full of anger is a very stressful and exhausting situation to be in. The fact that she may be suicidal must be fairly horrific for you.

I think it is very admirable that you are sticking by her but in my humble opinion I think that there are several things that you should reconsider on a regular basis.

Are you staying with her because you feel you have to even though it is a very bad situation for you? Whilst this is a noble and unselfish thing to do you also need to think of yourself. Don't wake up in 10 years and wonder why you have wasted your life in this miserable relationship. Also, is the fact that you are staying mean she does not have to face up to her problems? Is you sticking about making her worse because she treats you like this and you let her?

Also I think you need to find out if she actually does want help, and then use every avenue possible to get help. Make it absolutely clear to her that you will no longer put up with the anger and hostility and if she does not seek help and begin to change you do not wish to continue in the relationship. If she loves and respects you she will want to change. If not, you are best of out of it.

Finally, look at yourself and your role in the relationship. People have spoken of "co-dependancy" on this website before and I think this is something you should look into. Do you see yourself as her "knight in shining armour". Do you feel the need to "save" her when she may not be in a position to be saved.

thanks sofrance

were not together right now. I do keep leaving her and giving her angry phone calls - i made her visit friends alone and didnt see her on her birthday once when i was really mad, but it doesnt change things. Youre right maybe it wont work.

I'm not saying it definitely won't or can't work. She will probably need professional help though and to WANT to change if it is going to work. You seem like a nice and caring person but don't let her treat you in a disrespectful way, it will lead to lack of self-esteem on your part and will only make her worse.

Sofrance 1

Hi, I'm new here, although have been reading a while.

I've been reading your posts with interest as they were all chillingly like my X would write - 'cold' and 'superior'. Infact, I was getting 'flashbacks'. You now 'seem' to have some empathy?? What happened?