I have the solution to weeding out HPD's.

If we start dating again following a failed relationship with a HPD, we could set boundaries in our next relationships. If we would set-up non-physical boundaries and just get to know the person we could weed out HPD's. Their strength is in their seductiveness. A relationship should be based on friendship which a HPD cannot usually sustain. Ask them questions to find out about them. Make a stand and don't be sexual with them. Get to know their family and friends. Ask them their goals and beliefs. Watch their actions not their words. Do they have long-standing friendships etc? Do their actions and words match. The mistake I see over and over again on this board is that people become sexual too fast. I based this post on my Christian convictions but, even if your not a believer this will work I think!

koos12 wrote:The mistake I see over and over again on this board is that people become sexual too fast. I based this post on my Christian convictions but, even if your not a believer this will work I think!

I do think people get physically involved too soon these days compared to older generations (who I think had it right); then I think the physical can blind one to things that need to be seen. I'm not a Christian - I'm a mid 20's female yet have old-fashioned values. I think people should date more innocently for a while and get to know someone before getting too seriously involved. I have just seen so many friends (male and female) jump straight into relationships with people they barely know (indeed it seems to be almost the norm these days!) - then by the time they realise they're not particularly compatible it's too late and they're emotionally involved. It's not something that will ever take off now 'cause society has gone too far the other way but I think it could be a good idea - not even for trying to weed out HPD's, just as a general thing.

I think this is a very good strategy overall, even if your not trying weed out HPD. I like it and I think some people learn quicker than others. Usually when people get a bit older and after plenty of hurt, they tend to use this strategy a bit more.

For what it's worth, I'm an atheist. When I first started the relationship I had with the HPD it took more than six months for me to have sex with her. At no time did I feel any pressure at all in any form from her in an attempt to convince me to sleep with her.
I'm in my 40s and in my life I've had one marriage and three other serious long-term relationships. The six months before I slept with the HPD was the longest I've gone without having sex in a new relationship.

When I look back now, I'm sure the reason for me waiting was because somehow I already sensed that something wasn't right. I'd never waited so long before (and in the future, if I believe everything's right I'll probably never wait so long again) but the end result still wasn't good.

From my own experience I can see how the HPD will design and mould the visage they present to you very carefully. They'll appear, sound and behave in exactly the way that they've learned you want them to.
With this in mind, perhaps if I had taken her to bed more quickly I'd have then discovered more soon about what she really is.

In any case, it's an interesting thought.

Six months is a long time, it's interesting that you waited so long and yet still got involved with as you say a histrionic.


"When I look back now, I'm sure the reason for me waiting was because somehow I already sensed that something wasn't right."

Perhaps sex or no sex isn't really the answer. It would be good to know what it was that you sensed. What was the histrionic person doing, saying or behaving that made you sense something was wrong. How did they relate to you.

I often think small red flags go up at the beginning of a relationship or at the getting involved with someone stage, that people overlook. People overlook them because they get something out of being with the person. They think about the red flags and then they rationlize them.

People often say at the end of being involved in very destructive relationships that on reflection or in hindsight they got a instinct something wasn't write. Or, the remember certain behaviours that set of alarm bells.

Forensic2 wrote:Six months is a long time, it's interesting that you waited so long and yet still got involved with as you say a histrionic.


"When I look back now, I'm sure the reason for me waiting was because somehow I already sensed that something wasn't right."

Perhaps sex or no sex isn't really the answer. It would be good to know what it was that you sensed. What was the histrionic person doing, saying or behaving that made you sense something was wrong. How did they relate to you.

I often think small red flags go up at the beginning of a relationship or at the getting involved with someone stage, that people overlook. People overlook them because they get something out of being with the person. They think about the red flags and then they rationlize them.

People often say at the end of being involved in very destructive relationships that on reflection or in hindsight they got a instinct something wasn't write. Or, the remember certain behaviours that set of alarm bells.

In all those six months there was nothing I could identify (based on past experience) which was indicative of there being anything wrong. And perhaps more importantly, I'd never had any experience of being with a HPD before. Note: I say "never had experience" as opposed to "never heard of" - because even if I'd some insight before, if I'd met others who had a relationship with a HPD, there's no way I could even begin to conceive how deeply their facade runs below what they carefully construct to present to you.

"How did they relate to you." - How? By carefully examining who I was and where I'd been, by learning what motivates me and my hopes for the future, and then presenting the ideal package to me.

I've had some time to consider the relationship for what it was. While there are common (and correct) methods of dealing with the aftermath, I recognise that everyone's different and so they deal with it in slightly different ways. On the whole I found that what worked for me came down to understanding (and accepting) that the mix of abusive, dememted lunacy present in my ex-partner was catalogued as being 'HPD'. Then I realized that I'd made a mistake by being involved with her. Finally, I allowed myself forgiveness for that mistake.
So any red flags which can now be seen with the not-so-wonderful benefit of hindsight can fly as long and as high as they like. They've really no value for me, although perhaps they do have for others. My view is to the front, with barely more than a nod to the past - and even then, only when it's required. As I say, that's what works for me and has brought me success.

Koos12,

I'm going to be honest with you! In my case, with the trauma I still bear over me, because of my HPD relationship...Even not being a devote Christian I guess I will not hurry to have sex on my next date. And that's not because I want to test her frienship. It is just because I'm not ready

I am an atheist and I think sometimes waiting is a good thing, giving more meaning to the act, but sometimes sex on a first night is also a good thing that i would not want to miss. Sex means hormones and hormones are just like drugs - they can get you addicted, they can make you do things you would not normally do, they can numb you, impair your judgment and make you easier to manipulate. So you can see sex like beer: learn to control your consumption and you will be fine. And some people like to get really drunk and others not, and that's fine. But don't drink and drive...

I was wary with my HPD right from the start, i felt i could not trust her - I never considered our friendship as intimate as she did (i know, they tend to see relationships as more intimate then they are). I found it pretty obvious that she was manipulative (a lot of people are - you do not need to be histrionic or evil in order to play mind games) i am still stunned that it isn't obvious to everyone (disclaimer: i am speaking of her, i don't know your HPDs). But i never saw THAT coming.

maria wrote:I am an atheist and I think sometimes waiting is a good thing, giving more meaning to the act, but sometimes sex on a first night is also a good thing that i would not want to miss. Sex means hormones and hormones are just like drugs - they can get you addicted, they can make you do things you would not normally do, they can numb you, impair your judgment and make you easier to manipulate. So you can see sex like beer: learn to control your consumption and you will be fine. And some people like to get really drunk and others not, and that's fine. But don't drink and drive...

I agree. I think that sex can be appreciated and shared at any point in a relationship. All you need is two mature adults capable of making the choice to do so. And how that 'choice' is made isn't dependant on what anyone else thinks - it's none of their business. We all have the right to make such decisions unburdened by what anyone else believes is 'right'.
But here's the thing, I also believe I've the right to enter into a relationship (sexual or otherwise) without regard to my past experience I had with the HPD. There's no way I'm going to allow her to have influence on my life now or in the future. It's not easy to put that philosophy into practice in life, but I'm working on it.

Harry-s,

I think you have the right to do whatever you think is in your best interest regarding your future relationships with women.

I still believe the original posters suggestions are valid and they make a lot of sense. Religion and sexual contact aside, taking that out of the equation.

This doesn't mean that anyone who has found themselves in a relationship with a person who has a personality disorder of any kind to be responsible or in anyway to blame for what happened.

I still think there is a way for people to protect themselves from getting involved with others who will damage them. Or, if they do get involved to listen to their intuition that something doesn't feel right and get out of the relationship.