Just when you thought you were free and in the clear

It's been awhile since I've posted. In fact awhile since I've been on this site. But I'm back because.... Well.... She's back in a way.

I'm very confused as to how to define her. I read somewhere here about her being similar to a sexual narcissist. But she has some strong HPD/BPD tendencies. So, I'll stick with that.

Very briefly,

She was someone I worked with and fell for. I went through all the little games with the hope of catching her. But was nevr quite successful. Eventually, she left the department for another position at another location. Her leaving in my mind was to be a new begining for me. We would break ties and I could lift that cloud from over my head. I even told her I'm not going to contact her and basically left it up to her to initiate anything. This was last March by the way.

I think she would make periodic contact to ensure I was still available. She'd e-mail me just for a response. For example, she would ask me if i received my bonus check. I'd respond and then ask her something about her new job. No response back. I figured this was all a part of her game.

Between the time she left and now, my mother passed away after a 1 1/2 yr illness. The stress of caring for her, my children and job probably affected my self esteem and made me vulnerable to my HPD.

With my mom passing, there was a lifting of a tremendous amount of weight off of my shoulders, which I probably wasn't even aware of. I felt like the old Anyguy I used to be.

Well..... my HPD saw this as an opportunity to make contact with me. She emailed/called me to offer her condolences. We talked briefly and everything was alright. Then she made arrangements to have lunch with another buddy, who in turn invited me per her request. I turned down the invitation because I feel like my time is valuable.

Off and on she would contact me.... I'd keep everything relaxed and platonic (if that's the right word). I do admit I would keep it positive and try to say things that would be uplifting to her. Like giving her compliments. However, even with the little flirting, she knows I'm doing other things and giving my attention to other women.

Recently, she contacted me via e-mail (telling me it's strictly business) about some services my sister can do for her at a reduced cost. She would ask me about it and what she would expect to pay. I gave her the needed info and told her I would have my sister contact her. Well, she wasn't very patient. My motivation wasn't there to jump for her. She called many times without leaving a message and would e-mail me.

Eventually we spoke and she had anger in her voice, which is what I'm most curious about. Why is she so determined to talk to my sister considering she wasn't going to need her for another 3-4 months? While we were talking she sent me via an e-mail a picture of her scantily clad. Trust me this girl is hot, but I was more insulted than anything else. Was she sending me this picture because she felt it would motivate me to do what she needed or was it to say this is what you're missing? I mean you don't send this type of picture to someone unless you have a motive. So, what is it exactly.

Anyways, I had my sister contact her, and now it seems she is as happy as can be. Like she got what she wanted. So what did she want? For me to follow thru? Or to really make contact with my sister, thus eliminating my involvement.

To be honest I didn't want to contact my sister, but I figured it could help my sister financially. But also, I felt suckered. Here I am helping her out and this woman is not reciprocating. In fact she when she thanked me, she said she owed me dinner. I laughed it off because I knew it wasn't going to happen. Did I just give in to something?

Is she setting me up for the big cut off? Or is she trying to manipulate me into chasing her again?

In all the time I've known her, it seems she plans her moves two or three steps ahead. For example, the "I owe you dinner" line was intended for me to come back with the "When we going to dinner" response.

But I'd like to know what's going through her head because it seems she's elevated the game by sending me that picture via company email. Is there a fear of losing me? Or is she trying to create within myself a sense of loss?

Lastly, what goes through the HPD mind when her victim regains their self confidence?

Right now I am so angry at her that I want to gain some kind of leverage on her. Does this make me any better than her, probably not? But right now, that's all I'm preoccupied with. Walking away just knowing I'm one up on her.

Thanks!

Anyguy,

To get her motives, you have to remember how an HPD thinks. That is, mostly they don't. They just act on emotion. My guess is that your HPD could sense that you were breaking away from her, so she acted to reel you back in. That doesn't mean she wants you; it just means that she wants to keep you on her back burner.

It might also be the case that some other guy has turned her loose recently, so she's bolstering her self-esteem by trying to get you to be interested again.

The main thing you have to remember is that it doesn't mean anything, except that she is craving more attention right now. It could disappear as fast as it appeared, and with less warning. Just really, really, try to not get hooked on her again!

Good luck

Dude, you have all the leverage you could ever ask for in that picture she sent you throught the company email!

I have to tell you that you are giving her way too much credit for thinking "two or three steps ahead"...trust me she's not. Roni, is right about that. The HPD isn't capable of that of that sort of cognitive thought. It's actually more like auto pilot. The HPD has had years to develope her defensive mechanisms. They're automatic and predictable, she's following a pattern of behavior... it only appears to you that she's given this some sort of thought. It is also more comforting to you to think that she is thinking and not reacting...but she's merely reacting.

Cut off contact with her completely and forward the explicit email to your HR dept.

Bingo! Yahtzee!

This thread is worthless without pictures.

Hahaha, on a more serious note. I wouldn't waste my time even communicating with this woman. Me personally, if I can help it I don't like having people in my life where I'm trying to guess their motives all the time. Involve yourself with simple honest people, that's my advice.

ANYGUY wrote:Is she setting me up for the big cut off? Or is she trying to manipulate me into chasing her again?

It can pay to remember that 'being manipulated' is an internal generated feeling. You can only be manipulated if you allow it to happen.

So with that thought in mind, listen to Roni and take Mr 36D's advice, it's all very good. Oh, and Hero's too.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It's all insightful...

have to tell you that you are giving her way too much credit for thinking "two or three steps ahead"...trust me she's not. Roni, is right about that. The HPD isn't capable of that of that sort of cognitive thought. It's actually more like auto pilot. The HPD has had years to develope her defensive mechanisms. They're automatic and predictable, she's following a pattern of behavior... it only appears to you that she's given this some sort of thought. It is also more comforting to you to think that she is thinking and not reacting...but she's merely reacting.

This is what's so confusing about her. I feel she's not a true HPD or she doesn't exhibit it outwardly. Everything seems so planned. I've dealt with other HPD's and she seems so cool when compared to them. Like a snake waiting for its prey. She doesn't seem to panic.

If I avoid her, she doesn't email a hundred times a day or call me like you'd expect from a HPD. Well at least not until recently.. It doesn't help that I've shown I've moved on and am now enjoying life. She hears stories (not instigated by me) about my personal life from others and it does bother her tremendously. She emails me and I"m pretty honest about what I've been up to, which seems to bother her. Usually our email interaction doesn't last long because, she's on the phone calling me. Not saying much, but just wanting to hear my voice. But each and every time there is an angry tone.

She is very private and protective of her image, which baffles me to as why she would give me a picture of herself. I find it hard to believe she would offer me such a picture just to arrange for her to meet with my sister. Yeah she'll save a bunch of money through my sister, but by dealing with my sister she has to deal with me and is it really worth it If I'm such a terrible person because I don't give her attention? By the way, the HR thing can be appealing but it can also open up another can of worms.

It just goes against her protecting her image. Let me clarify. She does dress very sexual, but also tries to project an image of being very capble of doing her job. If she asks for assistance, she speaks in hushed tones to avoid appearing encapable. To be honest I see strong NPD tendencies.

I believe she does to an extent plan things or maybe to build on what Roni said... She's like a fisherman casting a number of lines and then waiting for the fish to bite. She possibly has so many poles out there that she can afford to be patient.

I do know this, for the longest time, I was a main target of hers and was one after she left. I even told her she would never get me. Although she had me like that fly at the end in the movie "The Fly". Because all but my hand was covered by webbing I felt out of her web.

The only other thing I can think that would draw her to me is she looked up to me as some kind of "father" figure. Someone she respected in the sense showing stability and calmness. So, to counter her turmoil she seeks me out? I don't know.

The one defense mechanism, which is consistent with her is the immediate rejection she gives if I ask her to do something. There's always resistance. Although she encourages me to ask her out. I've pretty much have ended this ritual with her. However, she will approach me to do things when convenient for her.

I was just recalling the anger in her voice the other day. She felt I wasn't doing what she wanted and you could hear her anger by taking very short angry breathes on the phone. The type of breathes that keeps you from throwing things And then after I told her I would follow thru for her, she got really giddy. Like a school girl. The switch in behavior was astonishing. Even the next day when my sister made contact she was totally ecstatic (via email), which I basically limited my responses to. It's like she accoomplished something. Or ANYGUY is her Superman once again.

It can pay to remember that 'being manipulated' is an internal generated feeling. You can only be manipulated if you allow it to happen.

What mechanisms does one use to fight this off. A person on a diet uses distractions to avoid thoughts of food. What smothers those internal feelings?


Lastly, I mentioned to her that the last 1 1/2 yrs was the worse of my life, and she asked "Was it because of me?". Why would she bring it up?

I know the easiest thing to do is to move on and forget about her. But it isn't that simple. As is the case of alot of people on this forum. I just wish it were.

Thanks!

ANYGUY wrote:

It can pay to remember that 'being manipulated' is an internal generated feeling. You can only be manipulated if you allow it to happen.

What mechanisms does one use to fight this off. A person on a diet uses distractions to avoid thoughts of food. What smothers those internal feelings?

Good self-confidence, high self-esteem, a strong belief in your own values and your intense desire to stick to them, thoughts of knowing your own boundaries and when you are prepared to say "Enough is enough" or "Stop". Viewing how she works with you from a 3rd party perspective, see her and yourself as someone else would from a viewing platform.

A good sense of humour is also a good strategy. When you can see her manipulating tentacles creeping over to you, instead of being manipulated, laugh your head off and walk away.

But your last post shows that you are still far too involved with her life and justifying/explaining of her drama to effectively accomplish the humour bit yet.

anyguy,

my friend, let me freak you out a little. I just had recent contact last week with my exHPD after 2 months no contact. She casted a line and I finally bit. Now I'm from a position of less emotional contact and feelings for her, so I can have better boundaries and not feel manipulated.

Last night she sent to my phone a picture of her masterbating, up close, just for me. And I was disgusted, just like you. For 3 days she's tried to seduce me and I told her I remember falling in love with her first, then loving the sex, not vice versa. I told her to stop with the "I got fishnets for u" and "what would it take to get you to bang me" crap!! Then, the picture! Everything you mention is exactly how she is--seems shy about her piture taken, owes me dinner, etc. She is classic HPD and is casting for your attention.


I love the advice of all, Roni, hero, lynn, 36D. But why get leverage. Be yourself, be nice but stick up for yourself. The best leverage is telling her who you are, how you feel and letting her know she's not a bad person but that you deserve to be heard or there's really no point in making future contact. You seem to still have feelings that are strong. Brother, you sound like me and she sounds like my ex. Hang tough and be yourself, strong and in control of you feelings!!!

Okay... I intentionally try to stay off these boards because I feel it only prolongs this ride I shouldn't be on. I get angry at myself because I shouldn't even be in this situation. I love myself too much to be in such a predicament.

If I'm true to myself, we never really had anything. It was me jumping through the hoops hoping to catch her. In the end, I gained nothing but disappointment. I'm just tired of this cat/mouse game. Analyzing every little encounter. Trying to determine her motives. Making up things in my head just to convince myself to continue because I don't want to feel the eventual blow to my ego.

I suspect she's with somebody and has placed me on the back burner until I'm needed to meet some need of hers. I believe she's messing with a married fellow, which seems to be her MO. Is this common because it never leads to a real relationship or she enjoys the idea of destroying someone's marraige?

Now as I sit here, I question what is the point of my fixation on her. I struggle with trying to free myself from any thoughts of her. The smallest of thoughts can breed into something that occupies too much of my time. I don't like this and hope somebody out there knows how to wrestle free.

Lately, a lot of the threads talk about the HPD returning after a period of time, and I anticipate she will do the same. But I don't understand why I don't have enough confidence in myself to just walk away or tell her to "kiss off"... Why am I sitting here waiting?Hoping for the next contact? It's not me. Never was until I met her.

I'm a very attractive guy (I get hit on all the time) with a personality, and I have a terrific job. So, meeting ladies is not a problem. So, why am I sitting here typing my thoughts out? Is it my ego that keeps me from having a stable relationship? Why am I wasting my time?

I feel as though I'm through with her. And I'm convinced I don't even like her. But I have this fear of losing that feeling. It's very addicting... It's easy to say walk away cut off all contact. But it's the last thing I want because it feeds this addiction. Arrrgggg!!!!

I sound horrible, but I'm sure there are some here who know what Im talking about... I'm not helpess in this but in general, just tired of it all.

I hope somebody can relate because I don't want to think I'm going crazy.

When I figured out my now exgirlfriend was hpd I read everything I could about it, sometimes 3 or 4 times. Now I don't care about it except to sometimes look at this forum.

My ex, like your ex, targets married men for a relationship because it is a challenge and therefore exciting to them. They crave novelty, excitement, and challenges.

Once the married boyfriend commits to the hpd and ruins his marriage, the hpd will get bored because obtaining his attention is no longer a challenge and the relationship is no longer exciting because there is no risk of getting caught. Then the hpd will move on to their next man they have already targeted.

This is the same reason they take amphetamines and cocaine. Not to lose weight, like I initially thought, but to uplift their moods. They have to have the feeling of adrenalin all the time.

The hpd doesn't care about ruined marriages or relationships, including their own. Their behavior is all about them. My ex chose to abandon her three children aged 10-17 to be with someone she targeted. Lost custody of her kids, marriage, house, lives in a small apartment with rented furniture, and may lose her car. She still drinks, smokes, and uses amphetamines. She is 40 and can't figure out why she is a "loser." But at least she still has her fake southern accent, fake blonde hair, fake boobs, fake tummy tuck, and fake "I've been abused" story that she uses to manipulate men into ######6 her and rescuing her.

Quite classical hpd behavior, quite pathetic.

My $0.02

Run, don't walk.

Airbornedoc