Just when you thought you were free and in the clear

anyguy,

I concur with airbornedoc on all counts. I agree by being here I sometimes feel "let down", like I still should not be here. Let me share a little about how I've managed to "break free" from HPD madness, but not entirely--kind of like your situation.

4 months ago, I busted her cheating. I thought she was Narcissist or BPD, but she told me after we broke up she was diagnosed HPD. AHA!! Had no contact for 3 months. I contacted her 2 weeks ago because I was curious about whether her therapy was doing her any good. Yes, that was a big risk!

WHY did I contact her knowing what I've learned??!! I am almost finished with my OWN therapy. This girl unleashed so much havoc in my life I needed to get some help. I'm very much emotionally unattached, although I still have fantasies that she will have a break through in therapy and "get it" so to speak. And, like you I've grown very curious about this disorder and why it captures certain people like you and me and others here on the forum.

But to break free emotionally and stay free is not easy without doing the following: Getting a life, so to speak. I'm defining myself better by what I LIKE, not what others want me to like. I'm associating with positive friends and I'm open to dating (finally ready), so I'm talking to women again (without fear) and keeping busy. Since I've been in contact with my exHPD, she's clamping hard on "getting me back", I'm keeping an emotional distance and not letting her dictate anything--she has been told, no relationship unless she gives up her fan club. She says she won't and that I'm insecure. I say she's still a mess and has eons to go in therapy, so she can dream on about me. Please do not beat yourself up over this. This is a process and some people, like myself, have to go through this to get to the other side and be healthly, happy and strong. Spend time thinking of her "bad" side and about good things in your life and slowly you will recalibrate your thinking!! Be well!!

I don't think that visiting the forum means you're not moving on. I still visit fairly often to make sure I never forget what my HPD was like, and what I was like and how I felt while I was in a relationship with him. It's a funny thing, but it's easy to forget- like they have some kind of power to give you amnesia for the bad stuff. The forum is kind of like AA to me - helps me stay in control of my HPD addiction.

When my HPD and I first split, I had intrusive thoughts about him all the time. I never consciously planned it, but I realized at some point that my automatic reaction when I thought of him was to say to him in my head "Leave me alone!" That usually makes it go away for at least a while. And, over time, I have to say it less and less. I would be curious to know how much I still dream about him. I don't remember dreams about him too often these days, but I know I still sometimes do. (After almost 5 months apart.)

I found that things got much easier after the first couple of months of no contact. I still have moments when I get a flash of him being sweet or cute or vulnerable, and I tear up for a second. Then I remind myself of how empty he really was. Then I think "Leave me alone!" and move on.

ANYGUY wrote:I sound horrible, but I'm sure there are some here who know what Im talking about... I'm not helpess in this but in general, just tired of it all.

I hope somebody can relate because I don't want to think I'm going crazy.

I have no idea of what you're talking about and can't relate ... but can you forward me that picture of my ex-wife that you have.

Seriously, it feels like you have been watching me and my life on a a web cam that can read thoughts. When I get a chance I'll give a longer response to some of your posts. Suffice to say your experience replicates mine except for the pictures by e-mail or phone. And that might be a techno-phobe issue.

Hello AnyGuy:
I just found this forum through Wikipedia following my Psychiatrists diagnosis that I was in a relationship with an HPD woman during 14 months. I don't have the time to write about the details right now, but I can relate to numerous posts that you have written, the terrible suffering felt by the victims of these people (whom find themselves desperately looking for answers on these forums) and to several replies from other members. In any case you are not alone

Regards, Musician924