Parent of a BPD Child Who Committed Suicide

My son was 21 and took his own life two weeks ago. I found him. I have so much guilt and anguish. I feel like I’ve been shattered into a million pieces. My son had bipolar. He had been talking about suicide and because he felt he made a mess of his life and was feeling like no one loved him or cared and he felt like he was in pain every day. He was very very depressed for about a year or more. He had been released from a psych ward 10 days prior and we begged them to keep him longer. We knew he wasn’t okay. He saw a psych and a primary care doctor the day before he took his life and both said they were concerned about how he was talking and wanted to see him back within a week. I have so much pain, guilt, what if’s, anger. I would like someone who understands to talk to about it. I have two other kids- my 25 year old was home and he saw his brother too. His sister is 15 and was at school. It was just horrible. I can’t get the images out of my head. Police and detectives and coroner in my house for over 6 hours, adding to the trauma. I cleaned up everything in his room, and now his room and basement apartment are kind of a weird and comforting shrine because I wanted my other kids to be okay hanging out where their brother was and have good memories and not be afraid. But it’s been hard. We cry. A lot. It’s been horrible for all of us. Bringing home his ashes was one of the worst days. I have to go back to work soon and it’s hard to imagine how. I’m in a total fog and crying constantly. I’m numb and forgetful. I’m sorry for your grief and loss. I know what it feels like to lose a child to suicide. It’s senseless and shocking and you’re just riddled with guilt and what-it’s and trying to figure out signs and trying to remember things. Frantic to find something with your child’s voice, imprint, etc. hugs and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I have a feeling life will always be divided into “before” and “after” for the rest of our lives.

@crazymonkey,

I'm sorry for the loss and trauma you have suffered. There are no words that can really make up for the sorrow and heartache you feel, just know there are ppl who will listen with their hearts.

I feel your pain so deeply. I am very, very sorry for your loss.

I have Bipolar I. I had a mixed episode once and I couldn't fight the pain, it seemed. Mental anguish. I am alive. Recently I had a week long episode that I was literally begging my kids and my husband to help me. To be ok, to come through it ok.

But I am a mother too, and as a mother to 3 beautiful daughters, I just couldn't imagine losing any of them to suicide. My heart pours out to you.

I read a book called Night Falls Fast, understanding suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. An author well known in the area of Bipolar. She has Bipolar I, the same kind I have. I read the book and I thought I'd share here.