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In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

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In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby swiftcat39 » Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:58 pm

I've been in and out of this forum for years but decided to delete my account due to privacy concerns. But basically..

I'm a 26 year old dude, started gambling on sports when i was 18, i work part time for like minimum wage so you can see the draw, i take home 300 dollars a week only, could be like 450 if i vouch for hours but yeah, i've also been severely depressed since i was around 15 and hoping to die which doesn't help much, i started doing anabolic steroids at 18, god diagnosed with crohn's last year among other things, and now i have kidney damage and maybe even liver. That put aside

Since i was 18 i've been gambling everything away, and now with the current health issues, even though they aren't that bad right now, i'm forced to stop steroids if i want to improve my health at all, if i continue the doctors say my kidneys will be gone within a few years, but if i stop, they could last another 20, which is hard for me to even consider given the current situations of my life.

Since i can remember every paycheck gets put on a gambling site, might make 500$, end up losing it all, now with my current health problems i stopped work to collect CERB, and instead of saving and having 14000, i discovered stocks and bet the rest on sports. Lost everything, again, now im back to work and gambling again, i have 1000$ on a site right now, and owe 800$ on a credit card, the smart move would be to withdraw, close my account and put it on that but not sure if i can even do that.

With the way my life is going i think just continuing steroids and dying is my ultimate best bet, the best years of my life have been ruined by this, i can't stop thinking about if i saved from 18-26, i'd probably have 200,000 dollars or close to, not at 0, i don't have it as bad as some because i'm not in debt, but with the little money i make it's hard to stop

I think to myself to get any money back to where i would be, it would take like 5 years of work, then i think about how my health problems in 5 years could get so bad to the point of death anyways, so whats the point?

it's just hard moving forward, i hate it where i live, im lucky i live at home so i can save everything but like, i have no car either, i just use my moms and they all think i have like 200k in the bank..

I want to get away from everyone i know here, i can't even stop steroids because if i do everyone comments on "how skinny" i look etc, and it pushes me back down the path of them.

I've debated many times just packing my things and moving somewheres where nobody knows me, and starting over, i think i'd be happy but having 0$ makes it almost impossible, i've also thought about school but once again, if my health $#%^ gets worse, what a waste of time that would be, since i'm old now, like 26.. school will take like four years, and i keep thinking about my health problems just killing me by then anyways, they aren't too bad now but if i continue they will be, i usually win a bit gambling and think, ill stop steroids, get to 10,000 and withdraw, and thats a good start, but i never make it there.

I just don't know what to do at this point, no, im not in debt, but i have 0$ to my name. After working and not paying rent for 8 years, i just don't feel like i will ever catch up to where i would've been without gambling, and with everything going on in my life, quitting seems pointless, i feel like death is my only escape at this point. Just the thought of "i could of had a supra" or a nice car at this point if i just didn't gamble kills me

or enough money to just move across canada and start fresh where nobody knows me.

now im faced with the whole CERB thing, not sure if i need to pay it back which i don't even have because i gambled it, i got my doctor to write a note saying i had medical problems that required me to take drugs that surprise my immune system, so my boss at work understood and put me on a leave of absence, if i need to pay that 12,000$ back too, i really am ###$.

any help or thoughts would be appreciated, i just don't know what to do, i'v even looked as far as seasonal jobs in other areas that pay good but to try to escape from this place but i'm not sure, like crab fishing and such, i know it's dangerous haha.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby Aries411 » Thu Sep 03, 2020 2:49 pm

Welcome back to the forum,

When I read your post, I sensed a lot of desperation and uncertainty about what to do about everything. I am Canadian so I have an idea about CERB. I don't usually reply in this fashion, but since there are so many points, I'll put them in point form :D
- CERB is quite easy to qualify for. Just check the website to make sure you qualified for it to see if you have to repay it. You can also call their number for more info.
- The cycle of steroid use is a tough one to get through. It deals like the insecurities of our own body and the effect we get from the attention of working out. Dealing to that correct that thought process takes a lot of work
- Comparing yourself to the 'what if I didn't gamble' can easily lead to depression. You feel that you can never regain the life you should have. I gambled for 17 years and had a decent job my entire life. I have much less than my mentally disabled brother who works a Walmart. I should have LOTS more more, but that thought doesn't help me now. I have accepted where I am now financially (tens of thousands in debt) and choose to make the proper choices forward
- As for the gambling, it may look like what you NEED to get out of your situation, but gambling is never the solution. I always hoped it could be my solution to everything, but it just ended up putting me in a bigger and bigger hole.
- As for going back to school. You are never to old to go back and that is a bet I would take compared to regular gambling. It has a greatest potential to pay off especially since you are young. I would say this even if you were over 40 depending on what job you had.

There is a lot more I would like to say, but I would be rambling on forever. Please continue to post and I hope you continue to post often.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby swiftcat39 » Fri Sep 04, 2020 8:55 pm

thank you for your time and help

even after filling out im back to work, they send me another 1000$ i used the 500 to pay off my credit card and now i have 500$ which i'm tempted to put all on a website to bet

the only way i seem to ever be able to save is if i take out the money from the bank the day i get paid, and leave it in cash at home, i have bad anxiety so if i can't e transfer the money, it just sits around, but i don't even know anymore.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby NewSunRising » Sat Sep 05, 2020 3:16 am

swiftcat39 wrote:the only way i seem to ever be able to save is if i take out the money from the bank the day i get paid, and leave it in cash at home, i have bad anxiety so if i can't e transfer the money, it just sits around, but i don't even know anymore.


Actually , this is a plan . And you need a plan . Gambling addiction doesn't go away just because we want it to . In fact , my personal belief is that it never does go away but it can certainly be controlled .
It's a battle and for that , you need strategy and tactics with which to fight back against the urges . The tactic you describe above is an excellent one .

For me , it started with the decision to fight back . It wasn't a wish , I didn't hope I could do it - I decided . That was my first step in affirming that I had the strength and the ability to take back control of my life from a destructive compulsion .

An urge is just a thought . It may be a relentless , constant , maddening thought but it is only a thought . It can't physically hurt you to deny it what it demands . Mentally ... yeah , it's exhausting to deal with . It's unpleasant and uncomfortable but it can't last forever . The bottom line is , the more you refuse to act on the urge to gamble , the weaker the urge becomes .

This doesn't happen overnight or in a week or a month . When I decided to fight back , I had read somewhere that if you can stop for 3 months , you can break its hold on you . I didn't even know if this was true - it was some random internet statement I saw . But I decided to use that as my starting goal .

No surprise , the addiction didn't suddenly disappear after 3 months of no gambling . But it was much , much easier to control . The urges became brief and and less frequent . I started to go for days , then months without having urges and when I did , simple distractions drove them away quickly.

I discovered this on my recovery journey : It's not about the money . Forget the lack of money for now , it's just a symptom of the disease . Fight the addiction and the money situation will fix itself .

swiftcat39 wrote:I think to myself to get any money back to where i would be, it would take like 5 years of work, then i think about how my health problems in 5 years could get so bad to the point of death anyways, so whats the point?


This is your gambling addiction talking . It's trying to keep itself alive and fed . IT LIES . Learn to recognize the voice of your addiction . It seeks to kill all hope and to stop you from reaching out for help or helping yourself . It tries to convince you that you are doomed to this existence . You are NOT .

You have the power to change your life and to decide what you want it to be . Please read our Strategies thread at the top of the page . You may find a lot of useful information there to help you in your fight .

It's a long , hard road but there is freedom to be found on it . You deserve a decent life . Decide to make it happen . You are not alone - we'll be with you every step of the way .
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby swiftcat39 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:58 pm

Yeah i just don't know what to do, thanks for the replies, im probably down 150k all time, no real debt unless CERB takes it back, and im 27 which means i have literally nothing, only benefit is i live at home which isn't a benefit when you're my age.

Im debating whether or not to get a second job since i work 28 hours a week at my first, just a grocery store

If i can somehow do what elon musk does and work 80+ hours a week, i could probably save 40k in a year at minimum wage, which would be a decent car and school paid for, still nothing compared to what i lost, my mom has no idea about my gambling and thinks i have a lot of money, i told her it was all in an account i couldn't touch for a few more years, she really wants me to stop working at the grocery store and go to school because she says when she dies she wants to make sure i have a decent job, and am okay

but like i don't work until wednesday now, have 0$ to my name, i work wednesday/thurs/friday/saturday, 30 hours this week, but on days like this i just think about gambling, im thinking of another job, i think i could get a night job at another grocery store, but my boss is a hella dick and if i got one during the day things would be rough trying to set both up to work with eachother,

i feel like i could do long and huge weeks, i don't have many friends and don't do much other than gamble, every minute im awake and not at work im thinking about gambling, at work im thinking about if i can work 1 full YEAR and save everything i make and work a lot, thats a decent looking car, (NO SUPRA OF COURSE , :D)

and enough to find something to do at school, not sure what to do. right now im making 300$ a week and by the end of the year if i save everything i might have 15k (im talking come september when school starts again) which isn't that much.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby swiftcat39 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:00 pm

also i know quite a few people who tell me to put it into stocks, there are still some decently beaten down stocks that won't go bankrupt apparently, like Wells fargo, that are down 50 percent to date which will apparently recover slowly, i guess putting money into stocks isnt like betting since it's not really gone unless the company goes under

but even still unless there a 100 percent place to put the money to make extra money every paycheck by the end of the year, its probaby not worth it and an alternate to gambling.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby Aries411 » Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:33 pm

Thanks for the update swift,
Its tough to give advice based on experience to those who have not experienced it. Also it is hard to give advice from a person who has gone through therapy to those who haven't. It is so easy to say, but very difficult to do and to truly understand.

I think you fixate often on what your life is now and what it should be. It often causes your mind to think of shortcuts to get back (which I have done countless times) and that solution is of course gambling. When its going well, nothing makes more than gambling, but in the long run, its sucks away all your money and truly changes you. Just look at the present and do not fixate on the past, learn from it. Make choices that will make your future the best. I am a big fan of investing in education even if it doesn't work out. That really depends on what you are passionate about (or at least enjoy) and what opportunists there are out there. Taking extra shifts or having two jobs are a great idea. Hard work is the only way to properly make money.

My brother who has a disability has only worked at Walmart for the past 10 or 12 years and he is light-years in terms of savings compared to me (I still tens of thousands still in debt), but I don't worry about the debt now. I can pay my debt piece by piece and it may take 10 - 15 years, but I enjoy my life now where there are very few thoughts of gambling.
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Re: In need of desperate help, my story. Life help.

Postby Lucid » Sun Sep 20, 2020 7:06 pm

I am in a little bit of a similar situation as you. Not with the steroids but the stocks part. The more I read about stocks and the ability for those to make money through it, the more i realize it may be best for myself and maybe even you to just start incorporating low risk investments and even financial advisor. Which is hard as heck to do considering you probably will still have those impulses. I still do but i am slowly moving my money more to safer investments.

Not removing myself from the game entirely, but also not playing it 24/7 either. I would be checking constantly. I'm still in but am dribbling away slow and steady.

Because the longer we are in, the more bitter the number becomes. I have dreams about the numbers and sometimes i can't pull up a stock without feeling something i don't even want to express. You are still young, you can recuperate the money soon. Save and invest lower risk. Roth IRA, having someone you are referred to manage your money (you can also tell financial advisor you want a certain amount of your wealth in Wells Fargo for example while they help grow the rrest), etc. I feel like if anyone brags to me about a stock or good investment, atleast i know i did something that was good for me. I can decide if i want to tell them the whole story or not.

Sorry if overstepping my boundary with some of this advice, the stock market is also super volatile right now too due to well, the obvious circumstances. The "Kangaroo" market they are calling it. And I definitely see the kangaroo hopping everywhere!
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