I've been in and out of this forum for years but decided to delete my account due to privacy concerns. But basically..
I'm a 26 year old dude, started gambling on sports when i was 18, i work part time for like minimum wage so you can see the draw, i take home 300 dollars a week only, could be like 450 if i vouch for hours but yeah, i've also been severely depressed since i was around 15 and hoping to die which doesn't help much, i started doing anabolic steroids at 18, god diagnosed with crohn's last year among other things, and now i have kidney damage and maybe even liver. That put aside
Since i was 18 i've been gambling everything away, and now with the current health issues, even though they aren't that bad right now, i'm forced to stop steroids if i want to improve my health at all, if i continue the doctors say my kidneys will be gone within a few years, but if i stop, they could last another 20, which is hard for me to even consider given the current situations of my life.
Since i can remember every paycheck gets put on a gambling site, might make 500$, end up losing it all, now with my current health problems i stopped work to collect CERB, and instead of saving and having 14000, i discovered stocks and bet the rest on sports. Lost everything, again, now im back to work and gambling again, i have 1000$ on a site right now, and owe 800$ on a credit card, the smart move would be to withdraw, close my account and put it on that but not sure if i can even do that.
With the way my life is going i think just continuing steroids and dying is my ultimate best bet, the best years of my life have been ruined by this, i can't stop thinking about if i saved from 18-26, i'd probably have 200,000 dollars or close to, not at 0, i don't have it as bad as some because i'm not in debt, but with the little money i make it's hard to stop
I think to myself to get any money back to where i would be, it would take like 5 years of work, then i think about how my health problems in 5 years could get so bad to the point of death anyways, so whats the point?
it's just hard moving forward, i hate it where i live, im lucky i live at home so i can save everything but like, i have no car either, i just use my moms and they all think i have like 200k in the bank..
I want to get away from everyone i know here, i can't even stop steroids because if i do everyone comments on "how skinny" i look etc, and it pushes me back down the path of them.
I've debated many times just packing my things and moving somewheres where nobody knows me, and starting over, i think i'd be happy but having 0$ makes it almost impossible, i've also thought about school but once again, if my health $#%^ gets worse, what a waste of time that would be, since i'm old now, like 26.. school will take like four years, and i keep thinking about my health problems just killing me by then anyways, they aren't too bad now but if i continue they will be, i usually win a bit gambling and think, ill stop steroids, get to 10,000 and withdraw, and thats a good start, but i never make it there.
I just don't know what to do at this point, no, im not in debt, but i have 0$ to my name. After working and not paying rent for 8 years, i just don't feel like i will ever catch up to where i would've been without gambling, and with everything going on in my life, quitting seems pointless, i feel like death is my only escape at this point. Just the thought of "i could of had a supra" or a nice car at this point if i just didn't gamble kills me
or enough money to just move across canada and start fresh where nobody knows me.
now im faced with the whole CERB thing, not sure if i need to pay it back which i don't even have because i gambled it, i got my doctor to write a note saying i had medical problems that required me to take drugs that surprise my immune system, so my boss at work understood and put me on a leave of absence, if i need to pay that 12,000$ back too, i really am ###$.
any help or thoughts would be appreciated, i just don't know what to do, i'v even looked as far as seasonal jobs in other areas that pay good but to try to escape from this place but i'm not sure, like crab fishing and such, i know it's dangerous haha.