New to the topic of DID and I'd like some help :)

Hey everyone~ I stumbled across this site today as i was browsing online in order to better understand this disorder. I have a situation that's fairly new to me and i'm not quite sure, if i'm dealing with it right, or rather i'm not sure how to deal with it at all. I'd greatly appreciate it if someone would be kind enough to give me a bit of feedback.

Okay, so i guess i'll start with the story. So about two months ago, i met this amazing guy and we started dating. Now I met him online so our relationship is strictly that, an online one. Although we've made plans to meet up soon. Anyways, we started dating and one of the first things he told me was that he had a really bad breakup with his ex and wasn't looking for a new one. After about a month of literally talking non-stop day and night, we both found out that we liked each other. Bottom line is that he asked me out and we've been dating ever sense (two months strong)

With the back story out of the way i can get to the real stuff. So about 3-4 weeks ago, he told me he had something to tell me and i thought it was bad. In any case, it was telling me that he had schizophrenia; however when he started describing it to me it sounded more like DID. He said he hears a voice in his head and it has a seperate name and a completely different (violent and angry) personality, compared to his normally gentle and sweet side. He says he can talk to it and sometimes it checks up on him to make sure he's okay. After a little research, i discovered more that it might be DID. He diagonosed himself so he doesn't know. First i'd like to know if i'm right before i bring it up to him.

Next, i'm not sure if i'm handling it right. When he told me, he was really scared i'd break up with him and i told him that i didn't care at all. Personally i told him that it was cool and that no matter what i'd still like him. However, there were somethings that i'm concerned about. Most importantly the fact that his alter ego is a different sexual orientation that his initial self. You see he's gay and his other self is straight. I'm kind of a jealous person so i told him i'd like to talk to that other guy and set up some rules. (which i now realize might not have been the best course of action.) He's been cheated on before so i kind of expect his alter ego to know not to do that to others, but he brought to my attention that his alter ego has flirted, partially kissed, groped, and playfully taunted his best friends (girls) and that he has a slight crush on them to boot. I've told him before that if it happened again, we'd have a problem. But he says he can't help it and i understand that. But is there a way i can prevent his "straight" alter ego from cheating on me? I understand that he can't help it but it wouldn't change the fact that it happened, if it ever did occur.

Sorry for the lengthy post >< I'd really appreciate it if you guys could help me. I'd like to have a more empathetic and understanding approach when dealing with this, but for that i'd need your help.

Wow! First, you are very amazing to be so new to such a potentially (scary) situation and to deal with it so compassionately and intellectually!

*labeling triggers*
It sounds (to me) like DID. The alter persona sounds like he is protective of your BF - sometimes that first personality we meet is a Gatekeeper (they may know about other alters, they may control who and when someone comes 'out' which means taking over the body) They can also be called Protectors (if they are more aggressive/angry - they may be the one who had to endure abuse that the host did not). I would say the first thing to know is that no (alter) came on a sunny day. A person who splits has been through Severe trauma. These other states of consciousness (SOC) as one therapist may say, are completely separate individuals from the person who is usually in control of the body (or host). I'm trying to give you some terms that help identify the different aspects of your BF - but even that can be triggering to some DID; to be reduced to 'labels' or categories...which is why I put the warning before this paragraph.
*end trigger*

My advice is to realize that this is nothing to take 'personally'. This other person in your BF has his own feelings, agenda, fears, joys, etc. He came for a reason. He is important. He needs to know that he is accepted. That you realize he is there (to stay) and his feelings matter. Alters who are ignored, belittled, or asked to just 'go away' or just 'merge' with the host tend to respond with negative behavior.

As far as the sexuality - many DID are struggling to know who they are, what they want, what that means...and identity is such a big deal (juggling at times alters who are the opposite sex, opposite sexual orientation, and alters who can range in age all the way to infancy).

I can tell you I have not met someone who has only had one alter, so you need to be prepared for this not being the only one. I would suggest your BF find a therapist who specializes in this who can help him to navigate this.

If you go down this road; you need to know that it is going to test you, it is going to require Love on it's highest level. meaning - when it gets tough - you stick through it. When you FEEL you aren't sure you can do this - you do it. Love is not a feeling; frivolous and fleeting - it is a choice we make. I say that all the time. We have to consciously and willfully strive to do our best by those around us. A person with multiple personalities within one body requires even more compassion and grace because there are literally more than one person involved to love, to put up with their bad habits, to comfort when they need it. And, if you feel, as you discover more, that you cannot 'do this' - you need to be gentle and compassionate and honest.

I want to end with the fact that many many people with DID have very successful and meaningful and long-term relationships.

Oh gosh thank you for responding, i really appreciate it.

Also, I'm glad that at least in your view I handled it the right way. I was really worried that i had maybe made a mistake dealing with it. Every time the topic comes up, i reassure him that no matter what I'll be there for him. That I like all of him and that includes the alter. I've told him before that i'd like to talk to him/be friends with him to be honest, but He always down plays it and says that wouldn't be a good idea for some reason. I don't push it but i suggest it from time to time if we're on the topic already. I remember My bf said that his alter was angry once and i told him "Aw, well i hope he feels better" and apparently the alter responded with a "thank you". I smiled super hard, cause apparently he doesn't respond often to other people. So i'm kinda hoping that one day i'll be able to talk things out with him.

I believe that you are right, this alter is very protective over him and also extends to his close group of friends. I asked him one night, for the purpose of better understand, when he first noticed his alter and he said that it happened about two months after a REALLY bad break-up with his ex. Which made complete sense to me considering like you said most alters form after a traumatic event. I mean his first boyfriend cheated on him and totally denounced he existed. Makes perfect sense to me which why i always try and reassure him that i won't do the same. I would never make light of this disorder because i know how hard is it to deal with problems (normal ones) and this is a lot harder to deal with. Thus, i would never attempt to belittle his other self, in fact like i said earlier i want to embrace it. I want to be friends with him. However, my bf is the one blocking me out. I'm not sure why. But maybe that'll change in time?

In all actuality, i can honestly say that I didn't know it was common to have more than one. Is it possible to have more and for the "host" or "alter" to realize it? I've tried suggesting that he gets help for it but he says that he doesn't WANT to get rid of it. He says he likes having someone there for him at all times. I tried to reassure him that he has friends and me who will do exactly that but he merely brushed it of. Do you think that this alter will go away after he realizes that there are people who love/support him just as the alter would? I assumed that this alter is there just for his reassurance and a sense of wanting to be masculine. He mentioned that it's the dominant side (he considers himself rather feminine) If that were provided is it possible to eliminate the alter? (Sorry if thats disrespectful to anyone. I'm really not trying to step on any toes here >.<)

I plan on being in this for the long run and i know that may be premature considering we've only dated a short while, but i just want to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake his ex did. I mean his biggest fear is hurting someone like he was, but if his alter does cheat wouldn't that only break him further?

Sorry again for the lengthy reply >.<

I'm going to insert some caution for you here. I have gone through life until last year not knowing I had DID and believing I was gay. I tried gay boyfriends in my 20s but they never really worked for me. I knew that I had a deep fear of women and I know now this was due to childhood abuse. I myself still am more attracted to males than females though my interest fluctuates between low and zero. None of my alters are gay, though two aren't 100% straight. It's clear to us my body was born straight so no matter what I did, a gay relationship would never have worked out. If your boyfriend has DID and has a straight part, one who has had sex and/or relationships with women, your boyfriend, all of him together, is not gay. At most he is bisexual or, more accurately, has multiple sexualities. This is of course conjecture on my part.

If he has DID, the other part (or parts) of him belongs there and is not going to go away. If you and your boyfriend's perception is that the other part cheats on you, that part's perception may be that your boyfriend does not have exclusive rights to the body and, in my opinion, he is right. I would really try to avoid calling the behavior cheating. For DID it's often more a case of two or more persons in the same body, not one "real" person and one or more bogus interlopers. Does one have exclusive rights to a relationship whereas the other doesn't? These things must be negotiated within and sometimes an agreement suitable to everyone is hard to come by or may not be possible at all. This is why communication and cooperation among parts are worthy goals for someone with DID. I can tell you that my parts who are straight, unless they were hibernating, would never have permitted the body or me to have a relationship with a male. They're just not into that.

If you care about him as a person and it sounds like you do, I would most certainly tell him what you suspect. He is ready to acknowledge he has a mental disorder -- schizophrenia -- and knows he has at least one other person there, so learning it may actually be DID may make things easier for him. I hope this turns out well for all of you.

I appreciate your response and word of caution

To be quite honest, i'm kind of worried that you may be right. He says he has tried women before but he says he is 100%. I questioned him about and he says he's sure that he is. However, he says the other part of him is completely straight and quite masculine. You think i should ask him how the "alter" feels about us dating? He implied once that his other self wouldn't like it very much if he were...uh...on the receiving end. I'm not sure if that means he's okay with the relationship over all or not.

I feel i should make this clear, as far as i've known the "alter" hardly ever comes out. I've been talking to him for like 3 months almost every night and i've never seen him. However, he is said to have done a few things with his girl friends. I'm not sure if that means while we were dating or not. But overall it seems like it's primarily a voice at the moment.

I totally get that two people reside in one, or at least recently i've come to understand that. However, how should i react if the "cheating" were to occur. I know i'm only acting on hypothetical situations but i'd like to have at least somewhat of a guide just in case. I'd rather have a solid ground on which to know what is a right way to handle it if it did happen. If that makes sense. As far as i know it's never happened but i'd just like to be prepared. Cause if I can't really blame him do i just brush it off and say "oh it was just the other him"?

Thanks a lot for the kind wishes though, i really appreciate it

First off, welcome!

Yuuki18 wrote:how should i react if the "cheating" were to occur.

Given what you know already, this is not a hypothetical situation. If your boyfriend has DID then he too is an alter. Your boyfriend's other alter has pursued women in the past and will continue to do so. And it is up to you to decide how you should react when this happens. Were I in your shoes I would want him to be evaluated by a psychotherapist with experience diagnosing and treating DID. Schizophrenia is a very different disorder, one that is treated with medications. Medications are prescribed by psychiatrists. Psychiatrists are not necessarily competent to diagnose or treat DID.

Some of my alters are able to take executive control. I have been married for many years, yet as far as I know none of those alters have ever interacted one-on-one with my husband. However, more than once one of them has interacted one-on-one with other men. Can I stop this from happening? I like to think so but only time will tell.