I hate this

***potential triggers- strong emotions***

I hate being this way and living this way. I'm really stating to resent my DID, my own personality, and my position as the primary host.

I used to be so different, back when I was Chris. He's my opposite in so many vital ways, and frankly I think his personality is preferable to mine. He is so much more personable and outgoing, where as I'm extremely extroverted and seem to have developed some social phobias.

We were at a party at a friend's house earlier. On the way there I asked Chris to come out so that we could have fun and be fun. It worked for a while, but then I came back around and started getting uncomfortable. I sat in silence in the middle of this party for quite a while, while we had an internal argument and I became increasingly anxious.

Finally I decided to leave. As I was about to make my way out I became extremely nauseous and pretty suddenly had to throw up, even though I had next to nothing to drink. After that I left.

Now I'm just feeling angry with myself, and increasingly depressed. It seems like in large groups of people I rapidly become overwhelmed, yet my T doesn't like me going totally under and having full switches with time loss, yet it seems like it's become the only way I can function outside the house.

###$ this. I'm going to drink and smoke and pass the ###$ out. Sorry for my bitching.

I know just how you feel.

Ally is a lot more interesting and fun to be around than I am in most social situations. She's sexy and hilarious and smart and interesting, and I'm hardly a fraction of any of that. I get nervous easily around new people and I get too excited sometimes, so a lot of the time I have Ally do the talking... That party situation that you described has happened to us so many times... And once you're the one that's out, nobody is interested and you're left alone.

A lot of the time, I'm jealous of her ability to be so effortlessly cool, which gets me kind of upset. I feel like I'm the 'rightful owner', so why can't I be like that and be in control of my own damn life? But we're different and it's kind of tough to accept that sometimes...

Anyway, point is, I know where you're coming from, and it sucks. But everybody has their positive points. Just because you and Chris are different and have different strengths doesn't mean that one or the other is better And don't worry about bitching, letting your mind loose is good for you!

I hope that helps a little- you're not alone, friend

I know how you feel, I am plagued with these types of feelings or those of denial on a daily basis. It is exhausting. I try to remember what it was like before I knew of the others, and wish I could go back to that time. I wasn't too unstable (but very contradictory but hey?) and at least I didn't have the psychological awareness of it all. Ignorance is bliss.

I rely on the experience and posts of others though to give me courage and hope that things will settle out one day. When I need it the most I try to be inspired by them and tell myself this too will pass. It doesn't help more than ice cream helps a child's wounds, but at least I can feel better for a moment.

but I hate it too.

Sam

I hate it too, I loathe it. I don't think it's a cool way that my brain tries to protect me. It is a nightmare and I feel I can never wake up from it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I can't imagine any trauma that would be worse than living this existence every day like this. I know how you feel and you are not alone in it at least. I can't wait to come out at the other end and I KNOW it's going to happen. All we can do is patient in our healing journey but in the meantime I know it's really hard. I get excited because when one part is out acting a certain way I get jealous too and wonder why I'm not as outgoing or whatever but I also realize that these are just dissociated parts of myself they are all ME. So I AM outgoing and fun...but I can also be serious and quite. One day once I integrate I truly feel like I will feel whole. I pray the same for you too if integration is what you seek.

I hate it and find it interesting at the same time.

I wonder what life would be like to remember my childhoood. I watch my kids and grandkids play baseball this weekend, and ask the part I know of me that did the same (softball) - and it was a nice time in her life - those fleeting moments she was on the softball field. I wish all parts of me could have experienced that! Actually we will, after integration, but I wish we could have had those nice feelings our whole life when we went by a baseball field.

I wish I did not have terror when someone says Mother or Father... I wish a lot of things but...

I prefer to look for the good things in life. I am an adult and in control of my own destiny and can now make my own choices.

I don't know if remembering my childhood would be better or worse and if my brain could have processed all the trauma instead of dealing with it how it did - I just know the way it did happen.

I don't think I would have wanted to live my life remembering all those things - but I just don't know.

A drink sure sounds good.

Well said Tylas..the part you said about you'd like to walk by a baseball field and have those nice feelings of memories...that sounds doesn't it? I think I just can't stand the fact that I've been missing from so much of my own life and I'm grieving what's been lost in the present because of it and what still continues to feel like it's slipping away. I grieve a lot of time I feel I've lost with my son and the most precious years of his life and I will never get those moments back. I wish I could be present in my life instead of spending my entire 20's trying to figure out what's going on with my brain. I should be grateful I suppose because some people don't get the right help till much later so I guess you're right. I should begin looking more at the good things.

raoul_duke wrote:...my T doesn't like me going totally under and having full switches with time loss, yet it seems like it's become the only way I can function outside the house.

If Chris and others do not cause serious problems when they're out, your T's advice sounds bad to me. Granted I don't know the full context for that recommendation. I can understand wanting to encourage you the host to avoid losing time. This can be distressing in itself and definite goals should be communication among alters and co-consciousness. I don't think you want to lose time as a habit. But it is not up to your T to determine who is out, when, or why. You have to live your life and switching under the right circumstances can be positive when individual alters have different strengths.

I am not a T, I am just someone else out there with DID. I know very well that the benefits and problems with switching and loss of time vary for each system. But if that would be bad advice for my system -- it would be rejected -- it would be bad advice for some other systems out there, which is why I'm posting.

I switch multiple times a day, though with no time loss. It has had tremendous benefits for overall emotional stability, communication, empowering my alters to express themselves, reduction in me as an alter of anxiety and suicidal feelings, and everyone moving closer together and taking on some of each other's traits. Switching and being co-conscious is making us more alike, I have no doubt of that. Our first switches last year were co-conscious but just barely because it was very foggy and I couldn't remember much of what had happened afterwards. Now I watch and remember everything.

In fact, this practice switching now results in alters being out and going about our business and we're not even sure who it is for longer and longer periods of time. This used to happen just with Jonathan, but it's happening for many others. With the littles, we can tell it's a little but we don't know which one right away. I think we're all becoming more similar from allowing volitional switching. Our practice seems to be, you want the body, go for it. I'm sure this free-for-all wouldn't work for everyone and probably not at first awareness of DID.

I'm sure there are other systems where switching, even under the right circumstances, results in something negative. But given the situation you described, it sounds to me that even if you were to lose time, if you trust Chris and it enables him to have a good time and has benefits or is neutral for your system stability, why not? Switching with some co-consciousness enable you to learn from his abilities obviously.

I don't really offer all that as a strong recommendation so much as a challenge to host-centric thinking as the prescription for everyone's system. I also took into account your vomiting and then deciding to drink, smoke, and pass out. It might be better to cut yourself some slack and allow a switch without guilt when it works for you all.

brandonsmom777 wrote:Well said Tylas..

Thanks

I look at it this way - even with how much I have gone through, there are perfectly healthy people that totally waste their lives. I might have been one of them. Who knows.

I am 52. Although the President Emeritus of my College and Psychology teacher tried, I could not accept real help until now - so little was known about what was called MPD back then and I simply could not deal with it. The result -endless attacks by system protectors and a clueless ANP taking over with no memory of any of the work he tried to do.

My kids have scars due to my DID, but overall, they were taken care of better than most kids. Like you said though - I was absent...but for me it was mostly after they turned 12. I was on my own at that age. It's taken me a lot of work to understand that kids are not adults at 12 years old. Instead of grieving for this - there is nothing I can do about the past, I work with my T on fixing the problems that my kids exhibit due to my dissociation and so many Alters raising them.

The Good
I have done a lot in life - published books, Olympic Level sport competition, 4.0 in College, MS, run a very successful business, raised 5 kids ---- and all by just ignoring what was going on and letting my ANP plunge ahead.

The Bad
At the same time arrested many times for assault, angry, scared, obvious PTSD, very a-social, eating disorder, can't communicate well (except in writing)... but I have never turned to drunks and almost never drink.


I bet all of you have some good and bad.

raoul_duke wrote:***potential triggers- strong emotions***
I hate being this way and living this way. I'm really stating to resent my DID, my own personality, and my position as the primary host.

Raoul, I forgot to add something. I totally get this. The upheavals and changes during early phases of awareness of DID are stressful and frustrating, to put it mildly. Please try to give yourself credit for handling an exponentially tougher job than you used to have. As the host, so much falls on you and no host, not a single one of us, bats a thousand with everything that comes at us. We do our best with a ferociously difficult assignment. I too have questioned why I remain host and I've wanted desperately to hand the job off to anyone, including at one point an eleven-year-old child, which admittedly was irresponsible thinking. I happen to have a gatekeeper who has explained why I must keep this job. It mostly comes down to experience. But I do claim the right to call in all the support I can get and I demand periodic "working" vacations, which for me means switching and letting someone else drive for a while.