safety

I dont know if it's the same for anyone else but is learning safety for you kind of boring?? My T and I are in phase 1 of treatment right now and he keeps telling me how important it is to find a "safe place" in my mind that I can go to when things become overwhelming. I already told him that my faith in God sustains me and this is my safety but we've talked about it for like the last two sessions and I'm getting kinda annoyed like we can spend our time talking about more productive things other than my being safe. I know it's important but I just get irritated whenever he brings it up.

If my T asked me about my safe place, I'd feel that she was invading my privacy. I think perhaps you should tell your T that you don't like talking about it. He can probably learn something from this. There may be a deeper reason for it? There are little things my past T's and current T have done that irritate me as well. For instance, a few of us get quite upset when a T would ask "So, do you want to com back next week?" I know there was nothing meant badly by it, but it made me feel unwanted. I want to find a therapist I can grow to be honest with, because I want to also be honest with myself. I've only seen this T 3 times. Best wishes.

-Ryu

I felt the same way as you do - but over time I learned why my T was "training me" to find that safe place or to find some way to come back to the present.

Say we are just talking and something triggers an alter and almost everything triggers me.

Take my little Hope for example, my most emotional part - she is 5. Something is said and she is triggered. There are not many subjects or words in the human language that do not bring her out - good or bad! She can get all worked up so quick and she starts to cry, get really upset and becomes downright irrational - then my T will have HER feel the rough cloth of my chair. This is what works for me. I never could come back by thinking of a safe place. It's a safety measure that must be practiced so it can be used when needed. If your T is teaching it to you, then it probably is needed.

It's essential to learn this process before you begin trauma processing and it takes practice between you and your T.

Oh but it's SOOOOOOO Boring! I know! Hopey just wants to have fun and stay out.


Be patient Young Padawan!

It's funny, but dealing with safety has been very different for me at different times. I did the whole "come up with a safe place" thing and it helped some when I was first dealing with all of the abuse memories coming back. But I couldn't ever actually really get my kids to ever feel safe. A bit safer, yes, but not really safe. Even though it helped, it still seemed a bit contrived.

For the last 5 months, however, it seems to have all been about safety in one way or another. But mainly it is safety in terms of getting my kids to learn the distinction between "there and then" and "here and now" and learning that in the here and now, all of me is safe. I feel like I am constantly working with my kids, nudging them to notice what is really going on around me, pushing them to notice the contrast between the memories and the physical world that I now live in. And I am finally getting my kids to develop a sense of safety, which is a huge relief. By helping more parts of me feel safe, I am now able to go in and deal with the really difficult stuff.

I agree, if the "internal safe place" idea just isn't working for you, talking about that with your T is a good idea. Do you have any issues with safety? Do you feel fully safe when the bad stuff comes up? If not, then working out what will help you feel safer is a good idea. Everyone is a bit (and sometimes a lot) different. Finding out what works for you is what matters for helping you heal, even if it should happen to be different from everyone else that your T has ever worked with.

The kind of Safety Cat's Meow mentioned...

I worked on that sort of Safety too! - Containment!

Having over 300 parts I resorted to making Safe Places for those parts that did not hurt others and isolated places (not locked up, just unable to abuse more vulnerable parts). It helped here and there, but it was just a temporary bandage. Oh, but what a nice bandage for a while!

It gave us time to work on the entire inner world being a safer place.

Dealing with safety issues seems to be a very common approach and in my opinion it's a good one. I kept telling my T that I'm a grown man and don't need a safe place. I know what this stuff is. But my T had to keep telling me that the safe place, the issue of safety, was for everyone inside, especially the littles, who don't understand when a flashback becomes present. That made sense to me. It's funny but I found the whole safety thing boring too. But if you think about it, isn't safety the whole point, what it was that was lacking in childhood? It was for me.

My T tried the "create a safe place" approach because we were starting EMDR, which can be powerful but unsettling in unpredictable ways. My system (really, my littles) did come up with an idea for what we felt was a safe place. However, our inside just isn't deep enough anymore in which to build it to escape to. I'd love to and I tried but it just doesn't work well since something shifted last fall.

As a substitute, we did come up with most of a plan for protection from overwhelming emotions, and a way to return to stability after a tough session, which are really the issues. In our case, we assigned older alters to look after one specific little each. To hold them, hug them, reassure them that they're not alone and shield them if possible from the remembered trauma. We also have the gatekeeper, whose assignment is to pull emotions from me if I'm overwhelmed afterwards. We're not sure he can do that anymore but we're hopeful he can at least help.

My T deals primarily with DID clients and she sometimes has certain expectations or assumptions that just don't fit my system. However, she is pretty quick to get the differences in us. Not to say she doesn't call me on something she feels is faulty thinking. She doesn't buy what I say just because I say it --- which I like!

There are plenty of commonalities in people with DID but sticking with a one plan fits all approach isn't going to work for everybody. In my case, because most of my alters went into hibernation for several decades, I myself have been out like 99.9% of the time since age 10, though I know I've been passively influenced to an unknown extent. Because alters rarely came to relieve me (rare, brief switching), I as an alter developed or never healed from a lot of psychological problems of my own that serve as a barrier to even dealing with the DID.

We don't have any persecutors, introjects, or aggressive protectors. We have one very traumatized alter but we all get along pretty well and we naturally look after each other. Switching and lost time have not been a real issue since age 10. A huge problem then is me as an alter. I learned how to have enough success in the world that the life looked, well, lifelike. I guess I squelched my alters and the DID and I learned to cope with life, sort of. But massive compromises were made in order to achieve that functioning. I wish I had had their help. I really think we would have done better.

You should express whenever something doesn't work for you but keep an open mind about the point your T is trying to make. Hopefully the T is flexible enough to change the approach, look for alternatives, or in some cases just wait it out until you feel comfortable with the suggestion.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I tried posting a response last night but my stupid laptop at home is not working right, my son probably drooled on it while he was playing games It's more clarifying to hear of eveyrones interpretation of safety and I understand a little more now from my T's standpoint. It IS going to be very important. I think I may have a few issues with safety probably because I never really feel that safe and it makes me mad so to even try to imagine a safe place is somewhat triggering. I can think of things that make me feel safe but I feel like they're stupid. Christmas music really makes me feel safe so I quietly listen to it sometimes in my car with the windows up ( yes, I know it's June lol) Also, the smell of nutmeg is grounding and feels safe to me. I used to carry around a small bottle of it at work to use when things in the office got stressful but my sister in law then told me it was weird that I kept smelling it so I stopped using it. My T recommended like a spice necklace ? not a bad idea....so my question is I guess..are these examples of things that make me safe? I've also told my T that tactile sensations are very grounding but I dont know if that's the same thing as a safe place. Things like cold water, swimming in the ocean ( I live in Cali) having a fan on me in 60 degree weather etc. but I think grounding may be different than safety I'm not sure but I'm learning. Thanks for everyones feedback.

If you are ANP, then it's not you that does not feel safe. It's the others inside that remember their trauma. I can't remember your DX, but you are most likely an ANP. It's those little EP's that can freak out that you need to rescue.

My T's chair has pockets right on the arm rests, where my little stuffed Farmville Animals are ALWAYS there for me during therapy. It helps the little ones.

The idea is to think of something else, something that takes the little ones mind off looking at the trauma. Something to ground you. Something personal is perfect!

Thanks Tylas, I am not too sure but I would assume I am the ANP. These things like listening to Christmas music or laying my head on my mom's lap and asking her to stroke my hair don't come from the adult me. I feel very small and helpless but these things make me feel safe. My Dx is DDNOS-like DID the key difference my T says is that I am constantly aware when another part is present I'm just depersonalized and watching in the distance. I am very new at learning my system so forgive me if I seem slow of learning or ask too many questions. I feel intruded on or possessed when my other parts come out but I am still present while it's happening so sometimes I think it makes it just as scary if I had complete amnesia for these episodes. I do however have no memories of my childhood or life for that matter and have no idea where they've gone. I know facts but have no real emotional memories or pictures in my head of memories. I also get amnesia symptoms for present day situations also...I can honestly say I don't know what I've been doing for the last two years. I dont know where I went.

brandonsmom777 wrote:It's more clarifying to hear of eveyrones interpretation of safety and I understand a little more now from my T's standpoint. It IS going to be very important. I think I may have a few issues with safety probably because I never really feel that safe and it makes me mad so to even try to imagine a safe place is somewhat triggering.

It sounds to me that talking with your T about how even trying to imagine a safe place is triggering for you would be a good place to start.

brandonsmom777 wrote: I can think of things that make me feel safe but I feel like they're stupid.

It really doesn't matter what makes you feel safe, as long as it works for you! We are all individuals, so the things that are most effective will be things that speak to our individual experience.

brandonsmom777 wrote: Christmas music really makes me feel safe so I quietly listen to it sometimes in my car with the windows up ( yes, I know it's June lol) Also, the smell of nutmeg is grounding and feels safe to me.

That is great that you have two things to start with! It sounds like there is something about Christmas in general that feels safe to you, since nutmeg is often used in Christmas cooking. Maybe thinking about other Christmas related things would bring up other ideas?

brandonsmom777 wrote: I used to carry around a small bottle of it at work to use when things in the office got stressful but my sister in law then told me it was weird that I kept smelling it so I stopped using it. My T recommended like a spice necklace ?

Carrying nutmeg to work to use was excellent problems solving on your part. How frustrating that your sister in law was so judgmental about it. I think that your T's idea is a great one. Another idea would be to see if they have nutmeg essential oils. You could put a drop of essential oil on something that you could sniff during the day in an unobtrusive way. I do this myself with lavender and vanilla essential oils. Another idea would be to put a drop of the oil on a light bulb (while it is still cool) and then turn on the lamp. The hot light bulb then releases the sent into the air- one of my T's used to do this with vanilla, which is why that is now a grounding scent for me.

brandonsmom777 wrote: so my question is I guess..are these examples of things that make me safe?

Absolutely! Whatever makes you feel safe is appropriate!

brandonsmom777 wrote: I've also told my T that tactile sensations are very grounding but I dont know if that's the same thing as a safe place. Things like cold water, swimming in the ocean ( I live in Cali) having a fan on me in 60 degree weather etc. but I think grounding may be different than safety I'm not sure but I'm learning. Thanks for everyones feedback.

Tactile sensations are also very grounding for me as well and bringing me to the here and now connects me to safety, because I am safe here and now. I have the hypothesis that different senses work better for grounding for different people, because we don't all process information (or memories) the same way. I process things kinesthetically, so I have found that paying attention to tactile sensations helps a great deal with grounding. I have a silk scarf that I often wear to therapy for that purpose. I also run my fingers along my forearms in a firm manner when I am trying to not dissociate for the same reason (my arms are always with me, so they are a good fall back.) I also have a little stone heart that my T gave to me when things got really bad. When I am having trouble with memories intruding, I squeeze it in my hand, and it helps me to remember her holding my hand, which helps me to feel safer. It really is all about experimenting and finding out what works for you. And then not judging what works as being "silly." All that matters is if it works. Somethings you might not want to do out in public, because you don't want to have to deal with other folks' judgments, but you may be able to find something else that is a good substitute and is unobtrusive (like the spice necklace.) Being creative is an excellent thing when it comes to creating safety. Fortunately, in session, you don't have to be unobtrusive! I bring not one, but two stuffed animals to my sessions in a backpack. One of them is actually fairly large, and I have found that one of my kids will often end up in my bear, so it is like I am wrapping myself around the child, protecting her, when I am holding my bear. Other times, a child will be more in me, and I find myself comforting myself on the bear. It works, it feels right, and I am not going to worry about what it might look like to someone who doesn't understand, because they will never know.