What's it like having Dissociative Identity Disorder?

My Definition... please add one of your own.

Let me tell you from personal experience that it's not about alters. That's the least of it. It's about suffering from pseudoseizures, violent flashbacks, insane-like mood swings and being so dissociated it's hard to drive and impossible to remember much of anything on a day to day basis. It's as if I did not have a childhood - and at least half of my life is missing. It's being told, by other parts of me, what those 16 years of childhood were like and somehow wanting to remember those years even though they were filled with terror and pain - something is better than nothing - or is it? It's being thought of as a freak in elementary school and being diagnosed with schizophrenia when you don't have it, because no one can comprehend what is really going on. It's hiding from life as much as possible, just so I can cope from day to day. It's living with Mother and Father introjects in my head - endlessly attacking me even now I am an adult. It's living in a deep depression and unable to climb out. It's wondering - will I ever be able to function normally.

That's what DID is like for me.

Hear Hear.

100% agree.

I fear writing my own would depress me. So I am not going to.

Well, I'll have to admit that for me now it is largely about the alters. It's about uncovering mystery after mystery of why my life has turned out as it has, mysteries that the others knew about but couldn't or didn't tell me. Why dozens and dozens of otherwise inexplicable things happened, why I've suffered from periodic depressions throughout adult life, why my sexuality has been so messed up and confused, why I've felt like part of me was missing somehow, why I just knew that some day I might be able to do things I knew I was capable of if only I could figure out the key to the puzzle!

It's about meeting all of these wonderful people who just happen to be me too, parts of me, hurt but playful children, conventional people, strange adults, people with accents who live inside me. It's about understanding why I could respond to certain questions with 100% confidence that my answer was entirely accurate and truthful, yet not having any idea how I arrived at that answer or, often, what it even meant. It's about finally learning why I always felt like a doppelganger or the non-lost twin or an imposter in my own life.

Okay, I realize I kind of answered the question from the angle of what's it like discovering you have DID. Having DID before knowing I had it was having a life that never made complete sense. Knowing that, but not knowing why.

For us, it's being a very young child, with a bunch of "imaginary friends".

It's watching those imaginary friends become family, part of the self. It's living innocently and happily, until one day it's NOT, and suddenly the imaginary friends are quiet, scared, angry and full of hatred. It's watching the peaceful system break down and crumble, trying to hide and heal what happened, trying to survive. It's forgetting and denying, growing up to pretend that is one and only one, and that we're not an "us". Then it was blackouts and feeling unreal, and watching myself from outside myself. The blackouts kept getting worse until finally, the denial stopped and I accepted that there was an "us".

Then it was about uncovering and accepting what had happened, what turned us from a natural, healthy system into something that was unhealthy, disordered and scattered. It was gathering the pieces back together and rebuilding a stronger, healthier system. DID is what helped us realize that something bad happened to us, and even if it didn't cause us to be multiple to begin with, it WAS what caused us to become disordered, desperate, angry and scared. It WAS what had turned it into a coping mechanism. It HAD come about because of trauma and abuse.

For us, it's ALL about the system members. It's about finding out who is here, finding out their stories and what they can do to help. Once they have a purpose, even if it's just to be a friend and be supportive, then it becomes about healing their wounds and having us all work together to heal and be happy. If I don't think enough about them, then it hurts me, too.

So now, having multiplicity and accepting it for what it is... it explains so much, and since we are still living with our abuser, it helps us to stay alive and sane. The DID Dx would help us explain to other people what is going on, and help us find support and such, but it isn't wanted or necessary at the moment.