What I'm struggiling with...advice please

I've been having some problems, and I was wondering if anyone out there had any advice for me.

First of all, I've been having massive panic attacks because I'll feel like I'll start switching and I don't know who I'm switching to. I'm scared because I don't know what they're like, what they'll do, ect. I don't like feeling out of control and it definatley makes me feel out of control.

Also, there is little form of communication in my system. I would like to be able to communicate better, and to have a better idea of how my system works.

I've been loosing a lot of time. Any help with that?

There's probally more, but that's all I can think of at the moment.

I know the fear of losing time. But what is the reality? Is the fear warranted? What usually happens when you do lose time?

Una has posed the most important questions you should be asking right now. I was terrified of the idea of letting anyone take over because I felt I might never come back. Like you, I would be "out of control," whatever that used to mean to me. I didn't know how "I" worked even though I had previous evidence my alters were nice people and didn't want to cause the body or the life any trouble. I suggest you may have alters who are better than you at certain tasks, such as handling (your) panic.

I found my own fear of Jonathan was ludicrous: he got me out of so many jams—mostly states of emotional overwhelm or the desire to self-harm—and I didn't even realize it. Your alters are not Bob down the street or Maria from the accounting dept, they're parts of your mind which split of to protect your mind or you. They're native to your body just as you are. Some may be indistinguishable from you to the average person. But even if they don't appear to be you to the outside world, the first thought in someone's mind will not be "that person is multiple" but "that person is changeable."

My alters had the internal rule that "we have to be John." That is, they had to appear to be me in the outside world to those who might know me. At least some of yours will likely operate from the same rule.

I would try journaling. Type in diary-like entries, relax, and ask if anyone would like to talk to you, then type what they say. You may find, like I did, that conversations can sort of happen in real time. If you feel yourself going vapid, that's dissociation and it's fine as long as you keep typing.

You can also try speaking aloud or internally. Don't try a monologue, keep your comments short so that a dialogue can arise. At least that's what works best for me. Speak, perhaps ask a question, then wait for an answer. You will likely have the feeling "I'm completely making this up" at first. But shortly, you'll be able to see that answers are consistent.

If you don't get any communication back, do not give up. Keep trying. There may be all sorts of things going on that prevent them from responding right away. At least your putting your thoughts into something concrete. I kept and keep assuming my alters can pick up what I'm thinking or feeling. They're getting better, but mostly they can't. I need to put my communications into words for them to be received.

Una+ wrote:I know the fear of losing time. But what is the reality? Is the fear warranted? What usually happens when you do lose time?

The fear's not warrented. This has been going on for a couple days now, and I've been doing all my chores, and fixing things that need fixed without any problems. My family noticies that I'm happier and am being more productive. So, I guess I shouldn't be afraid. Whoever this alter is is obviously taking care of things, so I shouldn't let it bother me so much.

I'm just scared because I feel like I don't know what's going on in my own mind/body. I'm afraid I'll forget something like going to pick up my daughter from school, stuff like that. But latley, I've been on the ball with chores, exorcising, keeping myself busy, ect. I just don't remember doing it.