T's away, argument occupying my head.....

my T's away on his usual break and there is a heated argument in my head whether or not to go back to him.

On the last session I was able to communicate the reason different parts were having trouble trusting him to further develop the relationship. Or at least divulge a character trait that prevents the development of trust.

The parts that don't want to go back insist that that convs was evidence that the relationship cannot be developed further and that this is all a waste of time and money, both of which we are falling short of.

I think protectors fear no longer being needed. I was curious that my T called me a protector in that same session when talking about something new. I never felt myself as a protector. Rather a keep it together kind of soul. Maybe he thought someone else was out. Regardless, the longer and more successful the therapy, perhaps the protectors may fear their role being lost.

I also wonder if this is purposeful disconnection while he is away. Akin to leaving someone before they leave you. Except we know he will be back..... or at least I do. Maybe the others aren't so certain.

Anyways I don't know what I am asking I am just I guess vetting the possibility that I have reached the limit with my T and whether it is worth it to keep going. Or whether one can build past a certain point when others just can't get on board with trust.

Sam

Hi, Sam

We had a very similar argument about trusting a certain person. Even though we methodically listed out all the pros and cons, the argument went on for months and we still have doubt. So we took a vote, explained the pros and cons of each side and then we imagined ourselves in a position where that person wasn't in our lives anymore. We focused a lot on the cons in that scenario, because those are more uncomfortable than the pros. I ended up deciding to stay with that person. I don't know if it's for better or for worse, but the world didn't end yet so I guess it was good enough If I were in your position, I would stay with your T until you become really pressed for time and money.

Maybe in the meantime talk to your T about how he can earn more trust? Hope I helped

SamsLand wrote:
I also wonder if this is purposeful disconnection while he is away. Akin to leaving someone before they leave you. Except we know he will be back..... or at least I do. Maybe the others aren't so certain.

Sam

Well, all I can say is that I experience this a lot. Even between sessions I can fall back into a place of: "what if he isn't the right T for me, I need to find someone else *clicks onto therapy searching websites*".

But deep down I know this is coming from a "I've been abandoned, I'm going to abandon him too" place and I know that he is helping my healing so I'd be stupid to go anywhere.

Bourbon

I just ended regular therapy with a psychiatrist where most of the others did not fully feel comfortable or trust him, with valid reasons, though he worked all right as a T for me, the host. We proceeded much like pepsinotes except that we determined to move to a new T, who was actually recommended last year by the former T.

Our final decision was solid and clear. The new T is a psychologist who has extensive experience with DID clients and does EMDR, which we know now will be a hundred times more effective than talk therapy alone for us. It felt like everyone trusted her very quickly. Some have already appeared in sessions and felt entirely welcomed, whereas only Jack would participate in sessions with the psychiatrist, and that infrequently.

If there is strong opposition, a decision about a T is valid but a decision about whether to go to therapy at all isn't so valid. If you have access to therapy and therapist is at all competent with your DID, it's going to be better for you overall to go than to not go.

It's understandable that a protector would have angst about no longer being needed. But if you all think about it, the alternative is to leave your system and alters the way they are now. Some with traumas and pain that have not been dealt with. Those being protected deserve to grow to a place where they don't need so much protection. Protective parts don't disappear nor does their role but they do evolve. Ideally, they become what they should have been if the need for the dissociation had not been there, protective abilities and inclinations in a unified mind.

I hear you all.

pepsinotes you are right and what the ones who support the cons are trying to prove is that over the next few weeks while he is away we will not need him therefore making the case to stop. Of course this is naive and completely different from someone not being in your life all together, but....

But deep down I know this is coming from a "I've been abandoned, I'm going to abandon him too" place and I know that he is helping my healing so I'd be stupid to go anywhere.

Bourbon, yes this is very plausible for some of us. But the desire to go elsewhere is complicated, one I have discussed here before and ultimately I cannot bear to start over. Plus the lack of male T's is a major obstacle as I cannot work with women.

I understand what you are saying Johnny-Jack but it is too logical for the emotional parts. There is actually no expectation to find a new therapist. No belief there is someone "better" out there. There is a "web-site-description-perfect person" down the road from my work which would save the "time" end of the deal but I am so not ready to deal with a woman. I have nothing against women in general except with the idea that they might genuinely care about me. I would never believe a supportive word that came out of her mouth.

And on the point of caring. it was awful last night. My most aggressive protector screamed at all of us. It was awful. He was going on about how we want someone to care about us and that our T is not that person and he will never care about us. That it is not his job and if he did care he wouldn't be a good T, because how could someone who cared about so many f-u ppl actually do their job well. He doesn't care about you, he never will and if that is what you need then stop looking for it from him. you are wasting your time because the truth is he will never, ever care about you. you need to get over it

Many of us cried ourselves to sleep last night. But he is right, our T is not the nurturing type and doesn't show overt signs of "caring". The littles communicated through me they don't think he likes kids at all and don't trust him. But I am not sure it is a matter of him but a matter of anyone. But the greater point is do I need my T to care about me? and if I do, then K is right, I am looking in the wrong place because this T does not "care". He works. He is very good at his work, but it is clearly his job (as well it should be).

To sleep I have to promise to quit, or at least to write a letter to quit or something. ugh.

Thanks all,
Sam

Hi Sam,

I hear your dilemma and I am right there with you. I am the flip side, I cannot work with men for whatever reason. An inability to attach to them I think.

That's a good question as to whether you need a therapist to care. I think it really depends on the individual. I must say though, that I really don't think they would be in that profession if they genuinely didn't care. So what I think varies is their level of overt caring, aka warmth. This is an issue I've had with my current therapist.

I know that I do better with someone who is "warm." My therapist, I wouldn't say she is cold (I couldn't see a therapist who is like stone - I tried and it didn't work!), but I wouldn't say she's overly warm and nurturing either. She's somewhere right in the middle. Her eyes are usually intense and penetrating, but can be filled with kindness and warmth at times. Her face is usually serious and unsmiling, and her speech normally sounds too "professional" for my personal liking. There've been many times where I've questioned whether she's the right fit, and whether she's the one who can really help me. I still don't know the answer.

I'm wondering Sam, do you have these issue primarily when your therapist is away? Or do you have the same concerns when you are seeing him. How do you feel, for example, right after session, or the day after a session as opposed to now. Is it the same? Do you generally feel encouraged by your work together? (Although I'm sure it's not easy work.) Because if you are always having these doubts, even when your therapists isn't away, it's something to look at. Maybe you do need a therapist who seems less "clinical" and more personal. But if these doubts only seem to spring up when your therapist goes away, then that's a big sign right there. These are issues related to wanting to be independent, not needing anyone, not attaching to anyone, etc. and probably have more to do with yourself than the client/therapist relationship.

Just remember that you don't have to make any decisions right away. You can always give yourself a set time, as a trial, and to see if you feel differently at the end of that. For a month, for example, you can test it out and see if you still feel the same at the end of the month. I would say that the answer will become more obvious as you go along. At least it usually does for me, if the therapist isn't a right fit. At some point it gets to the point where there's no doubt that I have to get out of there!
X Brandic

I'm wondering Sam, do you have these issue primarily when your therapist is away? Or do you have the same concerns when you are seeing him. How do you feel, for example, right after session, or the day after a session as opposed to now. Is it the same? Do you generally feel encouraged by your work together?

Brandic, thanks for this, the question is completely obvious yet something I hadn't really thought about in great detail. My first gut reaction was to say, of course not, it has nothing to do with him being away. Yet I don't think this is me speaking, but a part that is convinced abandoned, forgotten and uncared for is the only way we live.

He goes away three times a year. Predictable. Safe. Known. Yet you are right, the last time I went through the whole finding a new therapist thing was right before he went away. Yet those circumstances were a bit different in that I really felt he wasn't acknowledging my "others", and so I left him, started with someone new, got really triggered by this person and went back. Coincidence. I am not sure. It was part frustration that he wasn't "hearing" me but part perhaps because he was leaving. His last break was a month.

I think what could be at play, somewhat, is that when he is away the parts that don't want to be in therapy take it as an opportunity. That we don't need him or therapy or anyone for that matter. And perhaps the littles are vulnerable at this point and see his side. Also, the issue of us all going through and expressing why we have trouble with the trust barrier, makes us want to give up and say "it;s no use anyways. we are hopeless to make this kind of connection to work, just stop now".

But what does Sam think. Me. I am not sure. I guess I do feel good discussing with him, but I am not sure what is necessary. In the sense that it is a short fix but without the whole self commitment the permanent fix won't be possible. I tend to worry about what every one else needs, that I feel what I want is secondary to everyone else (that puts me in about 8th or 9th place I think).

Yes my T is not nurturing, soft or warm. But I think that is part of the reason we have lasted this long. The nurturing, soft warm is generally a sign for me to be wary of the person. I trust these kinds of people even less. So I am not sure what I want. I guess somewhere deep inside I do long to be cared for, for me, all of me, (given the convs the other night) it is just something I am not willing to admit or be comfortable accepting. I guess paying someone to "care" might be the closest I can come to and even then it is not right, be cause T's don't necessarily show "care" in obvious ways.

Thanks Brandic I have thought a lot about his over the past few days and I still don"t know what I am looking for. Perhaps a break is a good idea, also spanning time he is in town, to get a better sense of it all. I'll admit a lot of it is the time/cost of it all too. I was going 2 times per week and only then did I start to talk more freely. I almost feel like once a week is a waste of time. So I know this is playing into the equation, at least for the older ones of us.

Sam

All I can say Sam is that I can relate big time. I don't think I've "attached" fully to this therapist, and perhaps not very much at all. I see her once a week, and deep down I know it should be more, to allow for it to really work and for me to really start feeling connected, but she's made it clear her availability doesn't allow for that. She was very straightforward and upfront about this from the beginning.

My ex-T was very warm and nurturing. Through basically manipulative means (and creating a very co-dependent and needy relationship), that T was able to somehow break through my defensive walls and get me to trust her. BIG mistake. She ended up leaving us, and it was one of the most painful and upsetting experiences of my life. I now know better, and if I saw an overly warm, nurturing therapist I'm sure I would run the opposite direction! So I think some clinical professionalism is a good thing - for me anyways!

I can relate to detaching when your T is away. My T simply postponed our next session from next Mon to next Thurs (so I have to go a week and a half between sessions), and that caused me to completely sever ties with her emotionally. I usually email her every few days with updates and/or blog posts but I'm refusing to reach out at all. Ugh these things aren't easy.

Hang in there and let us know what you decide!
X Brandic

thanks brandic,
Sam