fighting denial today

I am trying hard to talk myself out of falling back into denial today. I have talked about doing memory work recently and how hard it has been. A bit over a week ago, I was in agony, and I worried about whether it would just keep on getting worse. Well, I seem to be getting indications from my kids that I really am successfully processing that memory. Ironically, that is now making me doubt whether I have made everything up. How can I go from where I was a week ago to being at a point where some of my kids are considering letting go of the memories? It just seems so fast.

I have to remind myself that there is nothing fast about this process... It took me over 20 years to get to this point! It's just that it took me so many years of moving at a snail's pace, now that I am seeing something actually resolving over the course of a month and a half or so it seems like a lightning pace to me and I am afraid to believe in it.

At the same time, I spent all of those years not really believing myself, and while I made a lot of progress in a lot of ways, I wasn't ever able to resolve any of the trauma. Now that I have found a way to believe myself, I am making progress on getting actually healing the trauma. I look at that contrast and I doubt that it is a coincidence, so I know that I cannot afford to start to doubt myself again.

There are certain things that look like memories that are written in my body. Obviously that comes from somewhere!!! When I believe myself, parts of me feel more safe and at peace than they have ever felt before. My abuser is de*d, so I don't even have to worry about how do I deal with him, if it is all true. So why is it so hard to to resist the urge to start to start to doubt myself again?

Isn't that what abuse does, teach you to doubt your perceptions?

Old habits die hard. It's tough, I don't know what to say other than, trying to fight it as well. Sorry.

Do you think it's like a internal pace maker? Like to make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself?

Borg wrote:Isn't that what abuse does, teach you to doubt your perceptions?

Old habits die hard. It's tough, I don't know what to say other than, trying to fight it as well. Sorry.

Do you think it's like a internal pace maker? Like to make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself?

Yes, old habits certainly do die hard. However, I do know that even the thought of starting to doubt them again makes my kids have reactions that vary between tears and anger. Working with myself feels so much better than fighting myself, even if I hate what I find out. So I just need to hold on to that. Believing myself works for me, so I need to keep on believing myself.

I certainly intend to talk with my T about whether I am getting ahead of myself. I want to really be done with this piece when I am done with it! I don't want to have to come back to it later, if that is at all avoidable. I do know that there are some things in my every day life that are pushing me towards getting through this work as efficiently as possible, because I don't know how long I will be living in this area. If I have to start again with another T, I will, but I would really rather be past the memory work, if at all possible.

However, I do know that even the thought of starting to doubt them again makes my kids have reactions that vary between tears and anger. Working with myself feels so much better than fighting myself, even if I hate what I find out. So I just need to hold on to that. Believing myself works for me, so I need to keep on believing myself.

Yeah, I understand. I hate to make them cry too. I like your attitude though, very inspiring.

Maybe it's more like a seesaw that had swung out of control, the side of denial and processing trauma are slowly reaching an equilibrium of acceptance. One goes up, then the other side goes up, eventually, it gets whatever. IDK.

Do you get really tired from all the processing? Like find it mentally fatiguing too?

Borg wrote:Yeah, I understand. I hate to make them cry too. I like your attitude though, very inspiring.

Maybe it's more like a seesaw that had swung out of control, the side of denial and processing trauma are slowly reaching an equilibrium of acceptance. One goes up, then the other side goes up, eventually, it gets whatever. IDK.

Do you get really tired from all the processing? Like find it mentally fatiguing too?

Hm... I like the seesaw idea. I look forward to equilibrium!

Do I ever get tired!!! Both physically and mentally. I was basically in survival mode for about 4 weeks- I got my family fed, the laundry done, my daughter taken care of, and dealt with the therapy issues. That was it, because there was no energy left for anything else. I spent a lot of time curled up on the couch, just working on soothing the kids and helping them feel safe, both because that is what my intuition told me was most important and because I didn't have energy for anything else. Over this past week, the energy has slowly started to come back, much to my relief!

I am really grateful that you all have been accepting of my posting, even though I don't have DID. It is a huge relief to be able to talk about my kids to people who understand what I am talking about! I have a group of friends who know that I was abused and who are very supportive of me, but I don't dare talk to them about things like hearing my kids cry or the fact that different parts of me hold different pieces of the abuse. My T gets it completely, but I only see her once a week. My husband has been dealing with a major depressive episode and started to get overwhelmed at the very thought that I had parts (he has a background in experimental psychology,) so I haven't been talking with him about it much at all. That has been hard, because the previous times I have done therapy, he was my major source of support. Now that I can post here, I feel much less isolated.

Obviously, I'm much further behind in this stuff, so I can't really give advice, but I can relate to it. I do know that my denial stuff kind of goes in waves and often responds be heightening after a period of looking at memories. I think it's one of the only ways we've worked out how to get back to functional when I need to. I am a stay-at-home mom with a three-year-old and a part-time childcare business, active in my church. I'm curretly doing therapy three times a week, about 1.5-3 hours each session, just depending on what T has available. One of the sessions is usually Skype, though, so we can't do much other than process my reactions to everything that has been coming up or my bossy executive committee advises him about how to work with us. Evening sessions are best, because I can just go to bed after, but daytime sessions, it can be almost impossible to do anything other than bare minimum care for my daughter and get a nap as soon as her nap time or H's return allows.

Anyway, back on topic, I find that denial is most extreme when I'm pushing to get functional after a difficult period. I am fighting it myself right now. We just processed bits of horrible memory (that I still can't fully accept) yesterday with T. Today, the person involved keeps coming to mind and I literally feel like I'm being annihilated if I have to even "look at" this stuff. So, the best I can do to not invalidate it all right now is just to imagine they don't exist, therapy doesn't exist, etc. A different sort of denial. Not one that tells the kids they are liars or that they don't exist (which has been a problem for so long). Just, a sort of, "It is impossible for me to look at this right now; I'm too tired, have too many things I'm responsible for, and I'm going to go watch a movie or do chores or daydream, but I promise we can go back to it later."

It doesn't help that the person in question is still on my Facebook and they were the first post that popped up when I went to share some photos this morning. I don't feel like I can take them off, as it will be obvious I've done so and I will have questions from all over the place, so outright invalidating this stuff is the best I can do (i.e. I still can't accept it as absolutely true or maybe wasn't something good intentioned went wrong or misunderstood and even if it were just horribl abusive, I couldn't prove it ever happened). So, this whole feeling like there is something I have to do about this information is pushing me further into the compulsion to allow this other part to invalidate them. I just have to avoid right now. It is the only way I can keep myself from hurting the kids by saying it's a lie, while taking care of myself in this process.

Therapy with memory work is like a full time job and recently, it seems like 1/2 of my sessions are spent on breaking through my denial, so we can even let the kids have some safe time with T in the first place.

Reality is a painful thing. A mind ripped apart by trauma is a complex mind. Adding these to components with a quick release of past events might equal denial..

Its all hard isn't it..!. No one gets out alive, even tho one goes through the transformation. Coming back from trauma is being reborn.

yakusoku wrote:Obviously, I'm much further behind in this stuff, so I can't really give advice, but I can relate to it. I do know that my denial stuff kind of goes in waves and often responds be heightening after a period of looking at memories. I think it's one of the only ways we've worked out how to get back to functional when I need to. I am a stay-at-home mom with a three-year-old and a part-time childcare business, active in my church. I'm curretly doing therapy three times a week, about 1.5-3 hours each session, just depending on what T has available. One of the sessions is usually Skype, though, so we can't do much other than process my reactions to everything that has been coming up or my bossy executive committee advises him about how to work with us. Evening sessions are best, because I can just go to bed after, but daytime sessions, it can be almost impossible to do anything other than bare minimum care for my daughter and get a nap as soon as her nap time or H's return allows.

Anyway, back on topic, I find that denial is most extreme when I'm pushing to get functional after a difficult period. I am fighting it myself right now. We just processed bits of horrible memory (that I still can't fully accept) yesterday with T. Today, the person involved keeps coming to mind and I literally feel like I'm being annihilated if I have to even "look at" this stuff. So, the best I can do to not invalidate it all right now is just to imagine they don't exist, therapy doesn't exist, etc. A different sort of denial. Not one that tells the kids they are liars or that they don't exist (which has been a problem for so long). Just, a sort of, "It is impossible for me to look at this right now; I'm too tired, have too many things I'm responsible for, and I'm going to go watch a movie or do chores or daydream, but I promise we can go back to it later."

It doesn't help that the person in question is still on my Facebook and they were the first post that popped up when I went to share some photos this morning. I don't feel like I can take them off, as it will be obvious I've done so and I will have questions from all over the place, so outright invalidating this stuff is the best I can do (i.e. I still can't accept it as absolutely true or maybe wasn't something good intentioned went wrong or misunderstood and even if it were just horribl abusive, I couldn't prove it ever happened). So, this whole feeling like there is something I have to do about this information is pushing me further into the compulsion to allow this other part to invalidate them. I just have to avoid right now. It is the only way I can keep myself from hurting the kids by saying it's a lie, while taking care of myself in this process.

Therapy with memory work is like a full time job and recently, it seems like 1/2 of my sessions are spent on breaking through my denial, so we can even let the kids have some safe time with T in the first place.

Relating to what I am saying to so very useful to me!!!

I had been trying to do this work with only every other week sessions, and we kept on trying to dial back the intensity, but it just wasn't working. A couple of months ago, we agreed to go to every week, with the plan of alternating phone and in person sessions (it is a 4 hour round trip for me to see my therapist.) It has taken two months to finally get that other session set up, because of her crazy schedule, although she did fit me in where she could and has been generous about doing phone check ins on the weeks when she didn't have a real appointment opening, so she has been keeping me supported. Given what I have been dealing with and how much more productive it has been for me to see her in person, I am going to see if I can swing making the drive every week. The last two or three sessions, I have been OK (if tired) for at least 24 hours after the session, so now that I am really listening to what my kids have to say, my system seems to be working with me to make the drive back home as safe as possible. I am crossing my fingers that it will work. School will be out in two months (I have a 7 year old daughter) and I don't know how I will handle things at that point, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I completely understand what you are saying about not being able to look at it at all, I also have had the experience of just having to pretend that it doesn't exist for awhile, because I simply couldn't tolerate being anywhere close to it at all. For me, it feels like taking it, bundling it up in a ball, and placing it just out of arms reach away from me. Yes, I do know that it is there, but it isn't in contact with me, and I can pretend that it isn't there for however long I need a break from it. Occasionally, I turn and look at it and see that it is there, and then turn away from it again. Eventually, I catch enough little glimpses of it and I start to be able to briefly touch it and slowly move into enough contact with it to be able to deal with it. I went through that process 6 or 7 weeks ago with the memory chunk that I am currently working on. It's funny the ways that our minds find in order to deal with that which would destroy us in too large of doses.

Borg wrote:Isn't that what abuse does, teach you to doubt your perceptions?

Old habits die hard. It's tough, I don't know what to say other than, trying to fight it as well. Sorry.

Do you think it's like a internal pace maker? Like to make sure you aren't getting ahead of yourself?

Thank you SO MUCH for what you wrote in the above quote. I have been there myself many times during my trauma healing. My DID diagnosis is new and I am new to this online community. Your words are a comfort, a validation, that only another trauma survivor can understand.

Wishing you the best...
Joy

We do not have a major problem with denial, although it certainly does rear its ugly head at times. It did when our host first began to deal with everyone returning but even then sporadically.

We prefer to describe it, and much of what others have related parallels it pretty well, as compartmentalizing. A decision to deal with what we can deal with when we can deal with it. So we do not move into claims of denial (John would pay a heavy price from several of us if we found him trying that), but we do set it aside. And we have all set our own stuff aside from time to time. Come to think of it, I'm not sure there is much difference. John also can put things aside for too long sometimes -- avoidance -- which we realize has the same results as denial.

We will say that once John began asking for assistance in dealing with everything, and made no effort to deny what had happened, we all somehow pulled together to enable him to do what he needed to do to cope, keep the job and our income. I would say we were collectively willing to sublimate our immediate needs in exchange for indications that help was underway but we should not expect miracles right away.