Introject...turned host?

OK, so I am outing what I have been shown recently. Originally, as an inside-only part, years ago, I am a basically an internal representation of a very important person in my life, somebody who seemed to have it altogether, somebody I have put on a pedastool...and somebody, it turns out, who once hurt us very badly. Actually, it is me and my denial/invalidation part combined who intially made up this other part. The person in question was experienced as very invalidating and we learned to do it inside in order to not be wrong, because wrong is bad, humiliating and shameful. I have experienced through some of my littles that because of this caretaker have to see every angle and pick the right truth to be safe and if we aren't 1000% sure (yes, extra zero for emphasis), then we keep our mouth shut and avoid even looking like we have an opinion. Anyway, when I became host, or right before, during my teens, the invalidator was split off into an internal only role.

I have been unconsciously colluding with him in order to keep this one particular "memory" (I literally have to write quotes or he will start acting up inside and I am weary from a four-hour session dealing with this stuff, despite napping for a few since then). So, my T keeps pressing me to suspend judgment, to trust God (we're both Christian) will sort out the truth, to not obey the compulsion to attack, disprove, make sense of something that was beyond understanding. So, when the invalidator would act up in session, I would just acknowledge what he said and kind of give a "there's no way I can ever answer that definitively on my own," and give encouragement to the kids to keep going.

Except, when inside, I would be thinking while they were talking that this person must have thought they had to do it. Personality-wise, they must have justified it in their own mind, must have thought it was "right" or been able to convince themselves. As I did that, the kids who were sharing started to say more and more, in response to T's assertions that it was bad and shouldn't have happened, that it was their fault, because they were bad. Now, I don't know if they actually believe they were bad, if those parts of the conversation that steered it toward explaining why this person was bad were because they heard those justifications at the time, or because I was considering them inside when they were talking to T. So, I'm not sure if myself + invalidator inside is still perceived as some sort of authority, because we are this other person's internal representative...in both good and bad ways (a lot of the skills that make me high functioning are because of this person and I don't think we have any other memories of being extremely hurt by them, only abandonment and seemingly unintentional psychological shaming).

The bigger mind-f--- for me is that Observer is always extremely insistent on avoiding telling me how I started out. He told me about he later split before hostship, but held off telling me that I represent this caregiver inside until only recently and when asked about when I specifically started, he avoids. It makes me wonder whether the feedback I'm giving them in this memory is not just about my needing this person to be good, because the presenting identity is so heavily associated with them, it feels annihilating if they are bad. It makes me wonder whether the excuses I keep trying to make, which are very specific, about why they had to do this particular painful, violating thing, are actually excuses we heard at the time...excuses I hold. It makes me wonder if, despite feeling certain that I held no trauma and my splitting was always the result of function, not pain, I have origins in this memory too. My certainty that this caregiver is justified about the activity is so strong and specific, I can't really explain it any other way. It feels like the only two options I have is that we made it up (invalidator's option) or it was intended as something else, something not bad, and escalated/went too far (mine).

It is very painful for my parts that I think this way, but it feels almost programmed into me, this certainty of the caregiver's rightness and even "righteousness" in always making the best choices. I don't know if that programming was internal, through our perception of them, an unconscious projection they emitted, or a subliminally implanted "truth" I can't defy.

All I know is that it has taken all my strength to sit through the invalidating part's aggresion on this topic without siding with him and it feels like the only way I can survive it now is to say, "I don't think it was intended to hurt us like it did." Ironically, that is the same way I had to deal with similarly questioned memories from this particular caretaker's parent.

And now, I will get to listen to all the different reasons why I am ridiculous for even entertaining either of these people hurt us, that anybody did, that I even have DID in the first place, that I'm not just acting it out for time and hugs from T or something stupid like that. F---. I'm sick of this.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I think if I didn't confess it, I would just give up fighting, and for all our sakes, I can't. Even if I confused my littles who shared today with my thoughts, at least they were able to talk about the experience and about how hard it is to have it invalidated.

Your post suggests what could, for some, be behind almost constant invalidation of memories and DID itself: an introject. In your case, you've outed yourself as an alter with introject-like qualities. Introjects often get a bad rap. They're can be based on an abuser, but they can just as well be based on a caring figure. Or on someone who has both positive and negative qualities, as in yours.

My alter Jonathan spent a significant portion of his time with the father, who was an abuser. So Jonathan's personality has traits and beliefs reminiscent of the man, though he is protective rather than abusive. A year ago, he was defending certain positive things we learned from the man and I now have some perspective to see that they are still defensible. But it was hard to work with Jonathan for quite a while.

I've found when my gatekeeper, like your Observer, avoids telling me something, it's highlighting what I really do need to know. I've found that what he thinks I should not know is based on past habit, when we were young and fragile and didn't have the perspective we do now, so we've worked towards him passing along as much information as possible. He confirmed one of my worst fears lately very bluntly, so his delivery could use a little adjustment. But we're working on that.

I still can't believe you "outed" yourself. That took some courage. It's inspiring because it's easy for me to identify my own shortcomings as a host and an alter, but very difficult to stick with those and act on them. Sometimes I need to participate in sort of quarantining myself -- pushing myself back, almost offline -- but, much like the Terminator, I find it impossible to self-annihilate, not really, no matter how right it is at times for my system, for the others here, and for our future.

***Triggers - Swear words...wait, does that need a trigger warning? I'm not sure, so I'll put one anyway.***


You just barely beat me to my chicken-$#!+ retraction (well, actually deletion). But, since you were good enough to reply, although you don't have to, I will leave it up for now. Wait, was that by design?

I am not feeling particularly brave this morning. I literally have to pretend this person does not exist at all, because thinking of them brings up so much conflict between accepting the kids' assertions vs. invalidating it. I'm not supposed to invalidate it anymore...but accepting it makes me think I have to do all sorts of things that are terrifying, like completely cut off contact with this person. Like, if they find out that I think bad things about them, it will kill me. That's how I actually feel about many of my caregivers from my childhood. I can't know that I have bad thoughts or feelings toward them, because they can see those thoughts in my face or body and I will be in trouble for thinking and feeling wrong and hurtful things. It's a threat to them and I will be under attack for it. I really think the warping of reality, the invalidation, the inability accept my personhood as separate, unique and valid was the biggest injustice, because it has left me without any sense of truth or being able to rest in times of uncertainty. No peace.

As for quarantine, you know that is a special word for us. It is much like the Terminator in a way, although comparing him to Poet is kind of hilarious. Funny how she could have obliterated the existence, but she was not capable of locking herself away. It took all the rest to do that at a the time. I'm glad she is able to be out again, though. I advise you to exercise caution with quarantine as it has caused Poet a lot of pain, trapped her where she least wanted to be for a very long time...turned her into a ghost. Though, I know you are a zombie too.