What's going on with me? *may trigger *

I haven't seen much of my alters lately except one of ISH's that I have the most contact with and everything seemed calm inside since my life didn't seem so triggering during the calm Easter period.

Until last night I woke up during the midnight and was terrified,I felt pressure all over my upper body and breathing was hard. my room was chaotic (in reality nothing was happening in the room) but I saw disturbing images and heard people pressuring me saying "it's all your fault" among other things. the area behind the door was really noisy then the door opened and 2 others came into the room standing against me and pressuring me together with the others who were in the room.I ran out of the room and to the kitchen, that's when I realized nothing was really happening in the house and the images slowly started to disappear from all around me. then I went back to bed after that.

today in the morning I woke up with a deep and painful pressure on the stomach,chest and upper back area. it was hard to breath with a slight shaking of the body. the feeling was the same as the feeling people get before a hard and long cry, or a cry after a shock.
I got this feeling 3 times today but I didn't cry nor do I know what's going on inside.
(saying not knowing what's going on inside is a bit inaccurate because my life is not like I want it to. a big part of my day is being alone, that's mainly because of internal conflicts about socializing,expressing feelings and people on the outside, as well as other dissociative disorder related issues which I try to avoid (that's a mistake, I get it!).)

can anyone give me some hints on what's going on? like what are these things that I'm getting?

Here's an educated guess. It sounds to me, especially given the similar morning responses, that this was part of a body memory flashback, an incomplete part of a trauma memory that by itself doesn't make much sense because other identifying parts are lacking.

Why haven't you heard much from your alters lately? Are their issues being addressed and they're just calm or are you pushing them aside? If the latter, if what you describe was a body memory flashback, that suggests someone may be trying to get through to you. The people you felt were there could have been several of your alters and, if that's accurate, they sound like they think you could be doing better. I believe that once DID is known, you ignore your alters, which are parts of your mind like you, at your peril.

What I don't think it is: On the surface someone might read in psychotic symptoms but your response to them was rational, even at the time. If you weren't dissociative, it might suggest the extension of a nightmare that may have had memory components. I actually don't think it's related to "night terror" but you may want to scan the Wikipedia article on that for comparison.

What about not spending so much time alone? I'm actually not suggesting you socialize. You could start spending it with your alters. The payoff is considerable.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Here's an educated guess. It sounds to me, especially given the similar morning responses, that this was part of a body memory flashback, an incomplete part of a trauma memory that by itself doesn't make much sense because other identifying parts are lacking.

I agree with this. My flashbacks seem so real!

Also the feeling you got - I had that with a few alters that could not breath. I had to rescue them. One was being drowned - so she got magic skin and CPR. This made it go away. With this one and others there have been lumps in my belly or lungs much like you describe. For me at least it had to with not being able to breath well.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Here's an educated guess. It sounds to me, especially given the similar morning responses, that this was part of a body memory flashback, an incomplete part of a trauma memory that by itself doesn't make much sense because other identifying parts are lacking.

Why haven't you heard much from your alters lately? Are their issues being addressed and they're just calm or are you pushing them aside? If the latter, if what you describe was a body memory flashback, that suggests someone may be trying to get through to you. The people you felt were there could have been several of your alters and, if that's accurate, they sound like they think you could be doing better. I believe that once DID is known, you ignore your alters, which are parts of your mind like you, at your peril.

What about not spending so much time alone? I'm actually not suggesting you socialize. You could start spending it with your alters. The payoff is considerable.

3 alters were integrated during the last year who were among the most active alters of my system. the system felt much calmer, but then ISH explained to me that the integrated alters stood for the "follow ups" of a larger problem. when the larger problem was known,the "follow-ups" were not needed so they just integrated.
what remained in the system were the alters that formed very early and don't surface unless they are triggered. who are 2 littles , 2 protectors and 1 ISH (or 2)(there a few exceptions like ISH who is out without being triggered). but I try to avoid being triggered.

that's the reason the system is calmer as there are less things to deal to with, on the other hand there is a larger focus on the main problem which is carried by 4 of the remaining alters and that "they live in the past"- as my T once said.
Also I do listen to my alters but they keep saying the same things over and over, and I'm getting tired of it. I tried listening and shifting my whole focus to them when they're out, I tried to talk to them over it, (I used to have internal fights with them before knowing about the whole dissociation but that stopped shortly after knowing),I've tried to ask them what they want and give them all the time they need to do whatever they want (unless it's damaging to me or anybody else in way or other) and all I heard was that I was "changing the subject" and they keep coming back with the same things over and over and I want it to stop. I can't think of what to do next. (I've heard that a new host will surface if I can't do anything for their problems, however me and ISH are against this because the reason for the creation of my later alters was that the existing alters couldn't "cut the tree of the system" as ISH would say and that would only extend my problem further as experience shows)

On socializing:-
1-there is an internal conflict when it comes to socializing,trusting people, letting the feelings take over, finding friends (you name it). the protectors (passive and aggressive) on one side (who have caused me many problems) and the more socially open alters on the other side.
2- I find it difficult to be "myself" in social situations, as I tend to switch (,not hear or forget what was said etc etc) and a simple questions involving the word "you" (like what type of music do you like?) become the hardest questions to answer. (the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear things like that is :who am I?). I tend to go on "autopilot mode" in such situations and remember very little shortly after.